Poems JOW #922

While back at my ancestral home of Jacksonville, Florida, I had occasion to get some artifacts from my past.  These included some of my father’s poetry.  Dad wrote a fair number of poems, and some have survived.  I have included a couple of the humorous ones in this set of jokes.  That got me thinking about poetry (a declining art) in general and funny poems in specific.  Poems form the theme for this week’s offerings.  Enjoy.

I will start with one of my favorite poetry jokes

A nurse is giving a young medical intern a tour of the hospital.
The intern approaches one bedridden patient and asks, “Why are you here?”

The patient replies, “Wee sleket cowerin’ timrous beastie/O, what a panic is in thy breastie.”
The intern moves on to the next bed and asks the same question, “Why are you here?”

The patient answers, “O, my luv is like a red, red, rose that’s newly sprung in June.”
The intern moves on to a third bed and asks again, “Why are you here” to which the third patient replies, “The best laid plans of mice and men, may often gang awry.”
At this the intern turns to the nurse and asks, “What ward is this anyway.”

And the nurse answers, “It’s the Burns Unit.”

Here are a couple of my father’s poems

My parents taught me not to smoke – I don’t

Nor listen to a naughty joke – I don’t

They made I clear that I must not wink

And pretty girls nor even think

About intoxicating drink – I don’t

To dance and flirt is very wrong – I don’t

Wild youths chase women, wine, and song – I don’t

I kiss no girls, not even one,

I do not know how it is done.

You wouldn’t think I have much fun

I don’t

-R.D. Pinney

A Southern Grammatical Note

Now all of you from other parts,

But city folk and rural

Listen while I tell you this

The word ‘you-all’ is plural

When we say ‘you-all come back

Or we-all will be lonely’

We’re speaking of a bunch of folks

And not one person only

Now I don’t mean to criticize

Or act as if I knew all.

But when we speak of only one

We say ‘you’ like you-all.

-R.D. Pinney

A chicken poetry reading:

Chicken

Road

The crossing is within

There is no other side

A woman’s Poem

Before I lay me down to sleep

I pray for a man who’s not a creep

One who’s handsome smart and strong

One who likes to listen long,

One who thinks before he speaks

One who’ll call, not wait for weeks

I pray he rich and self-employed

And when I spend won’t be annoyed

Pull out my chair and hold my hand

Massage my feet and help me stand

Oh, send a king to make me queen

A man who loves to cook and clean.

I pray this man will love no other

And relish visits with my mother.

A Man’s Poem

I pray for a gymnast nymphomaniac

With big boobs who owns a bar on a golf course

And loves to send me fishing and drinking.

This doesn’t rhyme and I don’t care

-Attributed to ‘Pat Woody’

Another deeply felt poem

If you have a grief, nobody feels,

If you have a pain nobody feels.

If your heart is broken nobody feels,

but if you fart everyone understands.

Po poetry jokes

Po-Joke #1
Question: Why do Cowboys write poetry?
Answer: Because they’re inspired by the moos.

Po-Joke #2
Question: What is the highest honor among Cowboy poets?
Answer: Poet lariat.

Po-Joke #3
Question: Why didn’t the angry farmer divorce his wife when she traded
their prize milking cow for a book of poetry?
Answer: Because he vowed to love her for butter or verse.

Po-Joke #4
Question: How do poets say good bye?
Answer: “I’d like to linger a little longer but it’s getting aliter-ate.”

Po-Joke #5
Question: What did the poet say to Luke Skywalker?
Answer: “Metaphors be with you.”

Po-Joke #6
Question: What is a metaphor?
Answer: For grazin’ yer cattle.

Po-Joke #7
Question: What is a simile?
Answer: It’s like a metaphor.

Po-Joke #8
Question: How do poets say hello?
Answer: Hey, haven’t we metaphor?

Po-Joke #9
Question: Why did the boy poet introduce himself to the girl poet?
Answer: Because he wanted to meter.

Po-Joke #10
Question: How does a poet sneeze?
Answer: Haiku!!!

Po-Joke #11
Question: Why are poets always so poor?
Answer: Because rhyme doesn’t pay.

Po-Joke #12
Question: What do baby poets play with?
Answer: Tanka trucks.

Po-Joke #13
Question: What did William Wordsworth mean by “a spontaneous overflow of emotion recollected in tranquility”?
Answer: Puberty.

Po-Joke #14
Question: Why do poets despise writing commercial jingles?
Answer: Because jingles are ad-verse.

Po-Joke #15
Question: How is a book of poetry like O.J. Simpson’s testimony.
Answer: Nobody buys either one of them.

Po-Joke #16
Question: Where do poems come from?
Answer: Poe-trees.

Po-Joke #17
Question: Why did the traffic cop give the poet a ticket?
Answer: For driving without a poetic license.

Po-Joke #18
Question: Where do poets obtain poetic licenses?
Answer: From the DMV, the Department of Metrical Verse.

Po-Joke #19
Question: When is a carpenter with a 2×4 like a poem?
Answer: When he’s a sawin’ it.  (sonnet)

Po-Joke #20
Question: What do you get when you combine Robert Frost and James Bond?
Answer: The Road Not Shaken but Stirred.

Po-Joke #21
Question: What’s big and gray and writes poetry?
Answer: T.S. Elephant.

Po-Joke #22
Question: What’s a Grecian Urn?
Answer: About twenty thousand drachmas a year after taxes.

Po-Joke #23
Question: Why was John Keats always hounded by creditors?
Answer: Because he Ode so much.

I try to end my JOWs with one  that is off topic.  This one was from Bill, I think.

On their way to the church to get married, a young Catholic couple were involved in a fatal car accident.
Being good Catholics the young couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.
While waiting, they begin to wonder: could they possibly get married in Heaven?
When St. Peter finally showed up, they asked him.
St Peter said "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked.  Let me go find out" and he leaves them sitting at the Gate.
After three months, St Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes" he informs the couple "I can get you married in Heaven".
"Great!" said the couple "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"
"You must be joking" says St. Peter, red-faced with frustration, slamming his clipboard on the ground.
"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple".
"OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouted "It took me three months to find a priest up here.....Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?"