Rocky Mountain Hi JOW #930

I recently returned from a too-brief visit to the Rocky Mountains.  That put me in the mind for some jokes about elevated terrain, hills, hiking, and that sort of thing. 

===============

·         Have you heard the story about the hill? I couldn’t get over it.

·         Getting to the top of the hill was great fun but it was all downhill after that.

·         Really the difference between hill and hell is just a fine line.

·         Why are mountains so funny? – Because they are hill areas.

·         Why do mountains get so big?

·         They have no natural predators.

·         Hipsters tend to stick to hiking backcountry rivers. They’re less mainstream.

·         I took my pet Yogi hiking today. Bear with me on this one.  It's quite safe because Yogi doesn't have any teeth. He's a gummy bear.

·         There’s a new waterproof membrane that’s also trying to stop climate change. It’s called Al Gore-Tex.

·         I came across two talking stones while I was out hiking. One was big but shy. The other was a little boulder.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

What was the tallest mountain in the world before Mt. Everest was discovered in 1856?

Yup – it was still Mt. Everest.

How many ski instructors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One to screw it in and one to say “nice turns”

How does a snowboarder introduce himself?

“Sorry bro…”

How did the big mountain know the little mountain was lying?

Because it was only a bluff

What do you call a snowman with a six-pac?

An abdominal snowman.

What do you call an old snowman?

Water.

*************

A physicist, an engineer and a programmer were in a car driving over a steep alpine pass when the brakes failed. The car was getting faster and faster, they were struggling to get round the corners and once or twice only the feeble crash barrier saved them from crashing down the side of the mountain. They were sure they were all going to die, when suddenly they spotted an escape lane. They pulled into the escape lane, and came safely to a halt.

The physicist said, “We need to model the friction in the brake pads and the resultant temperature rise, see if we can work out why they failed.”

The engineer said, “I think I’ve got a few tools in the back. I’ll take a look and see if I can work out what’s wrong.”

The programmer said, “Why don’t we get going again and see if it’s reproducible?”

~~~~~~~~~~~

After being away on a trip, Tom thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift.
"How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk.
She showed him a bottle costing $50.00.
"That's a bit much," said Tom, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.00.
"That's still quite a bit," Tom complained.
Growing annoyed, the clerk brought out a tiny $15.00 bottle.
"What I mean," said Tom, "is I'd like to see something really cheap."
The clerk handed him a mirror.

Some random thoughts:

·         Research shows that 6 of 7 dwarves are not happy

·         I before e except after c is disproved by science.

·         Donuts – the original hole food

·         I am terrified of elevators.  I take steps to avoid them.

·         And my fear of moving stairs is escalating.

·         If ignorance is bliss there should be more happy people.

·         Stupidity knows no boundaries but it does know a lot of people.

·         Things that tell the truth: small children, drunks, and yoga pants

·         I ordered a chicken and an egg of the internet to see which would come first

·         Never iron a four leaf clover. That is pressing your luck.

·         I will track down whoever stole my copy of MS Office.  You have my Word.

·         I saw a baguette at the zoo.  It was bread in captivity.

·         Did you see that cashier?  She was checking me out.

·         A bike in town keeps running over me.  It’s a vicious cycle.

Bumper Stickers seen on military bases

·         101st Airborne Division- “ When it comes to Combat, we care enough to send the very best”

·         “When in doubt, empty the magazine” 

·         “Sniper – You can run, but you’ll just die tired!” 

·         “Machine Gunners – Accuracy By Volume” 

·         “Except For Ending Slavery, Fascism, and Communism, WAR has Never Solved Anything”

·         " U.S Air Force – Travel Agents To Allah” 

·         “The Marine Corps – When It Absolutely, Positively Has To Be Destroyed Overnight”

·         “Death Smiles At Everyone – Marines Smile Back” 

·         “What Do I Feel When I Kill A Terrorist? A Little Recoil” 

·         “Marines – Providing Enemies of America an Opportunity To Die For their Country Since 1775"

·         “Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Anyone Who Threatens It”

·         “Happiness Is A Belt-Fed Weapon” 

·         Napalm is okay by me

·         “It’s God’s Job to Forgive Bin Laden – It was Our Job To Arrange The Meeting”

·         “Artillery Brings Dignity to What Would Otherwise Be Just A Vulgar Brawl” 

·         “One Shot, Twelve Kills – U.S. Naval Gun Fire Support “ 

Finally, a little puzzle for you to try to solve.  I like it because I was able to figure it out.

My friend had purchased a piece of slate to put into the floor in the hearth in front of his fireplace. The slate was 3/4 of an inch thick, by 10 inches wide, by 48 inches long, and weighed on the order of 175 pounds. He had cut a hole in the oak floor that was the same size as the piece of slate.
The depth of the hole was exactly 3/4 of an inch, the same as the slate. And, of course, there was the sub-floor underneath. When he put one end of the slate into the hole in the floor, he realized that he would have to drop the other end to get the slate into the hole. He realized that if he dropped the brittle slate, even half an inch, it would break.
Not only that, but it wouldn't go in the hole, anyway. There was so little clearance that he couldn't even use that thin fishing line to lower the end of the slate. So he sat there for the longest time, drinking beers and pondering this dilemma. After his 5th or 6th trip to the kitchen he returned with something that solved the problem in elegant fashion.
What did he find there that allowed him to lower the slate into the hole without risk of breaking it?