Gender conflict JOW #929

I hit the road for a couple of weeks for a road trip.  Now that I am back, I chose and easy theme: the eternal battle of the sexes.  I am sure in this ‘oh so sensitive’ era I have something that you will find at least one of my jokes offensive.  So be sure to read all my jokes carefully.

I know I joke around on my posts but on a more serious note, I want everybody to wish me luck today.  I gotta talk to the bank and if all goes well we are talking thousands of dollars here.  I cannot wait to be free from debt.  I am so excited I can barely get the ski mask over my head.

Some tips for men when disagreeing with your woman

·         Never make a woman mad.  They can remember things that haven’t even happened yet.

·         Arguing with a woman is like reading the software license agreement.  In the end you have to just give in and click ‘I agree’.

·         Behind every angry woman stands a man who has no idea what he did wrong

·         Don’t try to understand women.  Women understand women, and they hate each other.

·         If a woman says ‘first of all’ run away.  Because she has prepared research, data, charts, and she will destroy you.

Finally men, when arguing with your woman-

If you cry, you are a wimp.

If you don’t’ you are an insensitive bastard.

………………….

His girlfriend left a note on the fridge.

“It’s not working.  I can’t take it anymore.  I am going to my Mom’s place.”

He opened the fridge.

The light came on.

The beer was cold.

What the hell was she talking about?

<<<<<<<< 

When God created man he looked at him and thought, ‘I can do better than that.’

>>>>>>>>>>> 

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front, who do you let in first?  The dog – at least he will shut up after you let him in.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Why do men pass more gas than women? Because women won’t shut up long enough to build up pressure.

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What do men and beer bottles have in common?  They are both empty from the neck up.

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A prospective husband in a book store: "Do you have a book called 'Husband - the Master of the House?'"

Sales girl: "Sir, fiction is on the 1st floor!"

 ******

 A man was granted two wishes by God. He asked for the best drink and the best woman ever. Next moment he got mineral water and Mother Teresa.

There are three kinds of men in this world.

Some remain single and make wonders happen.

Some have girlfriends and see wonders happen.

The rest get married and wonder what happened!

 ******

 Wives are magicians. They can change anything into an argument.

 ******

  COOL MESSAGE BY A WIFE: Dear Mother-in-law, Don't teach me how to handle my children. I am living with one of yours and he needs a lot of improvement!?

 ******

 When a married man says, I WILL THINK ABOUT IT - what he really means is that he doesn't know his wife's opinion yet.

 ******

 Pharmacist to customer: "Sir, please understand, to buy an anti-depression pill you need a proper prescription. Simply showing marriage certificate and wife's picture is not enough!"

Here are some tips for the ladies how to talk about men and still be politically correct

·         He is not a bad dancer; he is Overly Caucasian.

·         He is not a cradle robber; he prefers Generationally Differential Relationships.

·         He is not a male chauvinist pig; he has Swine Empathy.

·         He is not afraid of commitment; he is Monogamously Challenged.

·         He is not balding; he is in Follicle Regression.

·         He is not quiet; he is a Conversational Minimalist.

·         He is not short -- he is Anatomically Compact.

·         He is not stupid; he suffers from Minimal Cranial Development.

·         He is not unsophisticated; he is Socially Malformed.

·         He does not act like a total ass; he develops a Case Of Rectal-Cranial Inversion.

·         He does not constantly talk about cars; he has a Vehicular Addiction.

·         He does not eat to much; he suffers from Reverse Bulimia.

·         He does not fart and belch; he is Gastronomically Expressive.

·         He does not get falling-down drunk; he becomes Accidentally Horizontal.

·         He does not get lost all the time; he discovers Alternative Destinations.

·         He does not have a fabulous ass; he has achieved Buttocks Perfection.

·         He does not have a beer gut; he has developed a Liquid Grain Storage Facility.

>>>>>>>>>>>> 

The Wolf Man comes home one day from a long day at the office. "How was work, dear?" his wife asks.
"Listen! I don't want to talk about work!" he shouts.
"Okay. Would you like to sit down and eat a nice home cooked meal?" she asks nicely.
"Listen!" he shouts again. "I'm not hungry! I don't wanna eat! Alright! Is that alright with you? Can I come home from work and just do my own thing without you forcing food down my throat? huh?"
At this moment, the Wolf Man started growling, and throwing things around the apartment in a mad rage.
Looking out the window, his wife sees a full moon and says to herself, "Well, I guess it's that time of the month."

And one more

How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb? 
One. ONE!! 
And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? 
Because no one else in this household knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don't even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CABINET for the past TEN YEARS. 
But if they did, by some miracle, find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID LIGHT BULBS CAME IN. WHY??? BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE.  THIS HOUSE...THIS HOUSE!! ....IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS.... HOUSE . . .. . .