Old Vacuum JOW #927

A text from an old friend got me thinking about all that has transpired over the last half century.  At least I am still relatively healthy and somewhat productive.  Heck, I am still cranking out jokes every week.  You know, I don’t get enough credit for the fact that I do all this while unmedicated – well, mostly.  I have some old people jokes and some vacuum cleaner jokes; actually the very term vacuum cleaner is pretty much an old person phrase.  But here are my jokes this week.

I have noticed that my desires and interests have changed in the last 50 years.

1968                                        2018

Long hair                                 Longing for hair

A keg                                       An EKG

Seeds and stems                     Roughage

Hoping for a BMW                  Hoping for a BM

Going to a new, hip joint        Getting a new hip joint

Passing the driver’s test          Passing the vision test

There are other things I have noticed about myself and my friends.

~You forget names.... But it's OK because some people forgot they even knew you!!!
~You realize you're never going to be really good at anything like golf.  And you don’t care.
~The things you used to care to do, you aren't as interested in anymore, but you really do care that you aren't as interested.
~You sleep better on a lounge chair with the TV 'ON' than in bed. It's called "pre-sleep".
~You miss the days when everything worked with just an "ON" and "OFF" switch.
~You tend to use more 4 letter words ... "what?"..."when?"... ???
~What used to be freckles are now liver spots.
~Everybody whispers. 

~Your kids are slowing turning into you!

In the end you realize that going out is good but coming home is better!
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I can still do some things quickly; I finished my 14-day diet in three hours.

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Someone asked an old man: "Even after seventy years, you still call your wife - darling, honey, and luv. What's the secret?"

Old man: "I forgot her name and I'm scared to ask her."

I haven’t done any vacuum cleaner jokes in long time.

·         Nobody likes vacuum cleaner jokes – they all suck

·         Is a person who cleans vacuum cleaners a ‘vacuum cleaner’?

·         Don’t wear headphones while vacuuming. You might finish the house before you realize the vacuum wasn’t plugged in.

·         I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner.  It was just collecting dust.

·         There's no wine holder on this vacuum cleaner. It's like it wasn't even designed for women.

Years ago there used to be door to door vacuum cleaner salesmen.  One eager lad knocked on the door on the first house of the street. A tall lady answered the door. Before she could speak, the enthusiastic salesman barged into the living room and opened a big bag of dirt and poured all the all over the carpet.

"Madam, this machine is so good that if I can’t not clean this up within ten minutes with this new powerful vacuum cleaner, I will EAT all this dirt!" exclaimed the eager salesman.

"Do you want ketchup with that" asked the lady.

The bewildered salesman asked, "Why, madam?"

"There's no electricity in the house…" said the lady.

Non sequitur jokes   

I never run with scissors.  Come to think of it, the last two words were unnecessary

Why don’t the make smoke detectors that shut off when you yell “I’m just cooking, dammit”?

Always leave them wanting more.  Unless you work for FEMA.

And to wrap things up:

A guy walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by.
As he gets into the taxi, the Cabbie says, "Perfect timing! You're just like Frank."
Passenger: "Who?"
Cabbie: "Frank Feldman...He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."
Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."
Cabbie: "Wait...there's more! He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which utensil to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, could do everything right."
Passenger: 'Wow, some guy then!'
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothes were always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman!"
Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: 'Well… I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his wife.