Dumb sex JOW #934

There has been a lot of noise & outrage about oppressed women and various sexual shenanigans in the ‘news’ lately.  It sounds more like high school chatter than actual news but than our media has been that way for a while.  I am sure a part of the problem has to do with misunderstandings and miscommunications between men and women.  There are lots of jokes about this subject.  Here are a few 'dumb sex' (and we know which one is dumb) for your amusement.

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A female brain cell once entered the skull of a man. She found nothing.
A bit nervous, she cried: “Is there anybody in here?” No answer.
She cried out again, as loud as she could: “Is there anybody in here?”
Then she heard a faint, distant cry: “We are trapped doooown here!”

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What she really means:

Yes = Maybe
No = Maybe
Maybe = No
We need = I want
I am sorry = you’ll be so sorry
We need to talk = You’re in deep trouble
Sure, go ahead = you netter not
Do what you want = you will pay for this later
I am not upset = of course I am upset, you moron!
You’re very attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think about?

What he really means:

I am hungry = I am hungry
I am sleepy = I am sleepy
I am tired = I am tired
Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
I love you = let’s have sex now
I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
May I have this dance? = I’d like to have sex with you
Can I call you sometime? = I’d like to have sex with you
Do you want to go to a movie? = I’d like to have sex with you
Can I take you out for dinner? = I’d like to have sex with you
Those shoes don’t go with that outfit = I’m gay

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Seen on women’s tee shirts

·         I'm out of estrogen. I have a gun.

·         Guys have feelings too. But like... who cares?

·         Next mood swing: 6 minutes.

·         I hate everybody, and you're next.

·         Please don't make me kill you.

·         And your point is ...

·         I used to be schizophrenic, but we're OK now.

·         Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.

·         All stressed out and no one to stab.

·         I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people.

·         How can I miss you if you won't go away?

·         Sorry if I looked interested. I'm not.

·         Nobody knows I'm not wearing underwear.

·         Objects Under This Shirt Are Larger Than They Appear.

Women feel men change after marriage

When you are dating … Farting is never an issue.
When you are married … You always make sure there’s nothing flammable near your husband

When you are dating … He takes you out to have a good time.
When you are married … He brings home a 6 pack, and says “What are you going to drink?”

When you are dating … A Single bed for 2 isn’t THAT bad.
When you are married … A King size bed feels like an army cot.

When you are dating … You are turned on at the sight of him naked.
When you are married … You think to yourself “Was he ALWAYS this hairy????”

When you are dating … You enjoyed foreplay.
When you are married … You tell him “If we have sex, will you leave me alone???”

When you are dating … He hugs you, when he walks by you for no reason.
When you are married … He grabs your boob any chance he gets.

When you are dating … You picture the two of you together, growing old together.
When you are married … You wonder who will die first.

When you are dating … He knows what the “hamper” is.
When you are married … The floor will suffice as a dirty clothes storage area.

When you are dating … He understands if you “Aren’t in the mood.”
When you are married … He says “It’s your job.”

When you are dating … He understands that you have “male” friends.
When you are married … He thinks they are all out to steal you away.

When you are dating … He likes to “discuss” things.
When you are married … He develops a blank stare.

When you are dating … He calls you by your pet name.
When you are married … He calls you “Hey” and refers to you as “She.”

>>>>>>>>>>>>> 

A woman called in to poison control very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants.

They quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital.

She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. 

They told her that she better bring her daughter into the emergency room right away.

Which made me think of another dumb joke:

A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers.

The first one shouted, "Nobody move!"

When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.

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Which then reminded me of this final joke:

“You’re and idiot!  A weak fool!  Everybody knows it.”  The shrew was loudly berating her old husband to the embarrassment of the other customers in the bank.  It was clear this was a long-standing habit of hers.

Suddenly a masked gunman burst into the bank brandishing a gun.  “Everybody down.  Nobody look at my face.”  As he reached for the money his mask slipped.  Hastily pulling the mask back up the robber shouted “Did any one you see my face?” 

An old teller raised his hand.

BANG.  The robber shot him dead.  “Did anyone else see me?”

Still keeping his head prudently down, the old husband extended a finger to his wife.  “I’m pretty sure my wife there got a good look.”