Constructive Project JOW #932

We have started a bathroom renovation project in my house.  This got me thinking about construction; I used to be a carpenter’s helper at Bust a Grape construction company.  There are a number of jokes on the subject of c.  Do you want to hear a construction joke? Oh sorry, I'm still working on it….

The six stages of any project

·         Initial enthusiasm

·         Disillusionment

·         Panic

·         Search for the Guilty

·         Punishment of the Innocent

·         Rewards for non-participants

 
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Marble is a valuable building material and should not be taken for granite.

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 If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs the first woodpecker to come along would destroy civilization.

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One morning a local highway department crew reached their job-site
and realized they had forgotten all their shovels. The crew’s foreman radioed
the office and told his supervisor of the situation. The supervisor radioed back and said,
“Don’t worry, we’ll send some shovels … just lean on each other until they arrive.”

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Two roofers, John and Dave, were working and John, upon on the roof accidentally cut off his ear.

He yelled down to Dave…” Hey! Look out for my ear, I just cut it off”

A bit later Dave calls up to John, “Is this your ear?”

John looks down and says, “No! Mine had a pencil behind it!”

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While carpenters were working outside the old house, the new owner busied herself with indoor cleaning.
She had just finished washing the floor when one of the workmen asked to use the bathroom.
With dismay she looked from his muddy boots to her newly scrubbed floors.
“Just a minute,” she said, thinking of a quick solution.  “I’ll put down newspapers.”
“That’s all right, lady,” he responded. “I’m already trained.”

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Three contractors were visiting a tourist attraction on the same day. One was from New York, another from Texas, and the third from Florida.

At the end of the tour, the guard asked them what they did for a living. When they all replied that they were contractors, the guard said, “Hey, we need one of the rear fences redone. Why don’t you guys take a look at it and give me a bid?”

So, to the back fence they all went to check it out.

First to step up was the Florida contractor. He took out his tape measure and pencil, did some measuring and said, “Well I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.”

Next was the Texas contractor. He also took out his tape measure and pencil, did some quick figuring and said, “Looks like I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.

Without so much as moving, the New York contractor said, “$2,700.”

The guard, incredulous, looked at him and said, “You didn’t even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?”

“Easy,” he said $1,000 for me, $1,000 for you and we hire the guy from Texas.”

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Four surgeons are discussing who makes the best type of surgery patient.
The first surgeon says, “I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.”     

The second responds, “Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded.”
The third surgeon says, “No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order.”
The fourth surgeon chimes in: “You know, I like construction workers ~ they seem to understand when you have a few parts left over at the end and when the job takes longer than you said it would.”

Some leftover jokes about funerals

A man cheats on his girlfriend Lorraine with a woman named Clearly. Lorraine dies suddenly. At the funeral, the man stands up and sings, "I can see Clearly now, Lorraine is gone."

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Alice was always obsessively clean and continually frustrated by her daughter’s messiness.  After her death she arranged to have her ashes scattered on, and then ground into, her daughter’s rug.

For those of you with little ones, here is a Hoki Poki joke

So, I’m sure you all heard of John Hoki, the inventor of the Hoki Poki. While John’s life is well known, what’s not so well know, is a story that happened at his funeral in the late 1940’s. Being that John was quite a popular fella, mostly due to the Hoki Poki, Thousands showed up for his funeral, all coming to bid him farewell. Well, it happened right before the ceremony was about to begin, when the undertaker gently lifted John up to place him in the coffin. The problem that arose was that as soon as they put his right foot in……

And finally

A famous heart specialist died and everyone was gathered at his funeral. A regular coffin was displayed in front of a huge heart.  After everyone said their good-byes, the heart was opened, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart closed.

Just at that moment one of the mourners started laughing. The guy next to him asked: "Why are you laughing?"
"I was thinking about my own funeral" the man replied.
"What's so funny about that?"
"I'm a gynecologist"