Funereal JOW #931

The John McCain funeral seemed interminable (bad pun) but it did give me a topic for this week’s set of jokes.  Funeral jokes are the best - they never die...   But a good funeral should include at least some laughter.  So here are some funeral-related bits.

There men were discussing what they would like for people to say over them as they walked past their casket.

The first guy says, “I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor, and a great family man."
The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow.
The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say ... ‘Look, he's moving!’”
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What the heck is going on here?” said an angry man storming into the florist shop. “I just lost one of my main clients and it’s your fault!”

“Why don’t you calm down a bit” said the lady behind the counter, “and let us know what exactly happened.”
“Well,” said the man “My biggest client moved to a new location, and to be nice I called you guys up and asked you to send him some flowers with a note saying “Congratulations on your new location.”

 He calls me up and says to me “what’s the big deal with sending me a note that says “Rest in Peace?!” “Oh no!” she sighed, “Now I know why I got a nasty message from the funeral parlor!”
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A widow could not resist flashing a huge new diamond ring at the beauty parlor.

“What a lovely ring,” they exclaimed, “Where did you get it?”

"My late mother-in-law gave me a thousand dollars before she passed away. She said that when she dies, I should buy a beautiful stone. So I did!”

Chuck Norris jokes will never die.

·         Chuck Norris can make you laugh at your own funeral.

·         Chuck Norris cancelled his own funeral.

·         Chuck Norris wears white to a funeral; no one asks why.

Tombstone epitaphs.  The first is an actual carving on a gravestone in Jacksonville

·         Those were they days my friend, we thought they’d never end.  But they did.

·         Died from not forwarding that email to ten other people.

·         Motivational speakers have a chance to get the last word in.

·         ‘I’m not dead – I’ve awakened the dead person in me.’

·         Not deceased – dimensionally challenged.’

·         Putting the ‘i’ in die.

·         Some see death as an obstacle.  I see it as an opportunty

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“Mom, we really need to discuss funeral plans.  Would you prefer to be buried or cremated?”

“Why don’t you just surprise me?”

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Cremation is my last hope for a smoking hot body.

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Then there was the passing hardworking executive – he was just buried in paperwork.

……………..

Actually, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is the remains of all my cremated socks.

And of course, there are those horrible awkward things you say do at a funeral.

Like when you finally have a chance to see distant friends and relations you like at a funeral. And after chatting with them you part with “We should do this more often.”

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Awkward – Your cell phone goes off at full volume at a funeral.

Even more awkward – Your ring tone is ‘I will survive.’

…………………..
“He will be missed by all the people he touched in his life.” - What not to say a pedophile’s funeral.

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A little girl raised the dreaded question after her grandfather’s funeral, "Dad, what's going to happen to us when we die?"

Her brother, who was busy texting one of his friends at the time, barely glanced up from his phone. "We'll go in the limousine dummy."

Some funereal lawyer jokes

A Dublin lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city donated to a fund for his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate a shilling.

"A shilling?" said the Justice, "It only takes shilling to bury an attorney? Here's a guinea; go bury 20 of `em!"

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A man is at his lawyer's funeral and is surprised by the turnout for this one man. He turns to the people around him. "Why are you all at this man's funeral?"

A man turns towards him and says, "We're all clients."

"And you ALL came to pay your respects? How touching."

"No, we came to make sure he was dead."

^^^^^^^^^^^^^

An old man was on his death bed, and wanted to defy the old adage ‘you can’t take it with you, so he asked be buried with his money. He called his priest, his doctor, and his lawyer to his bedside. "Here's $30,000 cash to be held by each of you. I trust you to put this in my coffin when I die so I can take all my money with me."
At the funeral, each man put an envelope in the coffin. Riding away in a limousine, the priest suddenly broke into tears and confessed, "I only put $20,000 into the envelope because I needed $10,000 to repair the roof of the church."
"Well, since we're confiding in each other," said the doctor, "I only put $10,000 in the envelope because we needed a new X-ray machine for the pediatric ward at the hospital which cost $20,000."
The lawyer was aghast. "I'm ashamed of both of you," he exclaimed. "I want it known that when I put my envelope in that coffin, I enclosed a check for the full $30,000."

And finally, I wanted to resurrect this old but good joke

An old man was lying in his death bed upstairs. His most favorite food in the world was chocolate chip cookies. As he lay there, gasping for each breath, he was sure he could smell freshly-baked chocolate chip cookies. He crawled out of bed and slowly limped down the stairs. Sure enough, across the kitchen, there was a huge platter of chocolate chip cookies on the table. He finally made it to the table and he reached a shaking hand towards the cookies. Suddenly, his wife slapped his hand sharply and yelled, "DON’T TOUCH THOSE - they’re for the funeral!"