I am always looking for a theme for my Jokes
of the Week. I mentioned I am having a
bathroom renovated. My friend Tor suggested
that I use some bathroom jokes. Poop Jokes are not my favorite but they are a solid #2. There’s nothing worse than crappy humor. It
usually tanks, and you want them to just put a lid on it. Even so, some of the jokes this week are
about the potty and associated activities.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A lady came in for a routine physical at the
doctor’s office. “Here”, said the nurse, handing her a urine specimen
container. “The bathroom is over there on your right. The doctor will be with
you in a few minutes.”
A few minutes later the lady came out of the
bathroom with an empty container and a relieved look on her face. “Thanks! But
they had a toilet in there, so I didn’t need this after all!”
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Lauren was frustrated. She had complained dozens of times to her daughter about her newest gag of kissing the bathroom mirror immediately after applying lipstick, but it was all to no avail. Finally, one day after spending a half hour scrubbing the mirror, only to find another kiss mark an hour later, Lauren had enough. “Lizzy!” she hollered,
Lauren was frustrated. She had complained dozens of times to her daughter about her newest gag of kissing the bathroom mirror immediately after applying lipstick, but it was all to no avail. Finally, one day after spending a half hour scrubbing the mirror, only to find another kiss mark an hour later, Lauren had enough. “Lizzy!” she hollered,
“What?” came her daughter’s reply through her
bedroom door. I can’t find the toilet brush that I’ve been using to clean the
bathroom mirror. Do you have any idea where it is?”
There were no more lipstick mirror kisses
@@@@@
@@@@@
·
I saw one of the workers in my
bathroom standing on the toilet; he was high on pot.
·
Toilet paper – what a rip off.
·
The poor accountant had constipation –
he couldn’t budget.
·
What do you get if you cross a stuffed
bear and a toilet? Winnie the Pooh.
·
What is brown and sticky? A stick
·
I call my bathroom Jim instead of
John. That way I feel better when I tell
people I go to the Jim every morning.
Bathroom signs
·
Please don’t flush paper towels,
sanitary napkins, hopes, or dreams, down this toilet
·
Please remain seated for the entire
performance.
·
How can a man hit a deer at 200 yards
and keep missing the toilet?
·
Gentlemen, stand closer. You are shorter than you think.
·
Please do not put anything in the
toilet you have not eaten.
·
The length of a minute depends on what
side of the bathroom door you are on.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A wife sent her husband a romantic
text message.
She wrote: "If you are sleeping,
send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are
eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you ate crying,
send me your tears. I love you".
Her husband texted back: “I’m in
the toilet, please advise.”
___________
Why can't you hear a psychiatrist using the bathroom? Because the "p" is silent.
Since writing graffiti on the wall is done neither for wealth nor critical acclaim it is the purest form of art. Some examples:
___________
Why can't you hear a psychiatrist using the bathroom? Because the "p" is silent.
Since writing graffiti on the wall is done neither for wealth nor critical acclaim it is the purest form of art. Some examples:
·
A Belch
is just one gust of wind,
That cometh from thy Heart...
But should it take the downward trend,
It turns into a Fart
That cometh from thy Heart...
But should it take the downward trend,
It turns into a Fart
·
If you feel powerless,
just remember that what you just left here can shut down and entire restaurant.
·
For fans of H.P. Lovecraft’s
horror stories –Cthulu/Shoggoth ’18 Vote
for the lesser of two evils.
·
Gentlemen – Use these
restrooms as if your wife had to clean them and not some strange black lady who
has a KNIFE.
·
Quick, pull up your pants
and start running!
·
Things I hate: 1. Graffiti
2. Lists. 3. Irony
4. Inconsistency
·
On the toilet paper
dispenser: “Pull for an Art Degree”
I love it when graffiti gets
follow- on comments.
·
“Satin Rules!” (with
cabalistic signs) “Well…. It’s a nice
fabric and all but I don’t know if it rules.”
·
‘I love grills” “you
mean girls” “what about us grills?”
And women’s restrooms have
some great graffiti
·
“Don’t hate me because I’m
beautiful, hate me because I slept with your dad.” “Go home mom, you’re drunk.”
·
“Stop the idea of society’s
mandated self-image. We are all
beautiful.” “I bet a fat girl wrote
that.”
·
“You’ve got to lose weight
if you want to find love.” “Unless they
love your lumps.”
·
“In Hogwarts, this is
called ‘the magical poop-stealing water chair.”
·
‘The Chamber of Secrets is
in the next stall.”
·
“May your life be like a
roll of toilet paper, long and useful.”
·
“Tuition goes up every
year, but we still have 1-ply toilet paper.”
·
“Dance like no one is watching. Poop like no one is here.”
Enough with the bathroom
humor.
I recommend all children become writers. That
way you will have unfinished homework until you die.
==========
WTF is an acronym.
`````````````````````
I thought we had something special. You met my family, brought me my dinner, and
called me honey. Now, suddenly you’re a ‘waitress’
who’s ‘just doing her job.’
+++++++++
If I am on my deathbed please move me to my ‘alive
bed.’
<<<<<<<<<
Death: “I have come for you.”
Man: “That’s what she said.”
>>>>>>>>>>
Woman, flirting with Death: “Hey, big guy, I
like the hood and scythe look.”
*******
*******
If you can’t afford anti-depressants, try using no more
tears shampoo.
And finally
A husband a wife were dressed and ready to go
out for a night on the town. They turned
on the night light and put the cat in the fenced backyard in anticipation of
the arrival of their cab. As they headed
back to the front door to get into the car, the cat scooted back inside just as
their ride arrived. They did not want to
leave the cat inside unattended for fear she would get after their canary, so
the husband went after the cat while the wife went out to the cab.
Because the wife did not want to let on that
the house would be empty all evening she told the driver that her husband was
just saying goodnight to my mother. A
few minutes later the husband got into the car, obviously hot and
bothered.
He felt compelled to explain his state. “Sorry it took so long but the stupid bitch
was hiding under the bed. I had to drag
her out by her neck, wrapped in a blanket so she wouldn’t scratch me like she
did last time. I hauled her fat ass out
to the back, threw her outside, and locked the backdoor.
The silence from the driver was deafening.
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