End of Time JOW #951

This is JOW number 951.  In less than a year I will have done a thousand of these posting.  If that is not a sign of the pending apocalypse I don’t know what is.  Sure, the world is ending, but not just yet.  I know - people are making apocalypse jokes like there is no tomorrow.  But that got me started on a topic which soon went adrift.

>>>>>>>>>>>>> 

There’s no big apocalypse. Just an endless procession of little ones. - Neil Gaiman

It happened that a fire broke out backstage in a theater. The clown came out to inform the public. They thought it was a jest and applauded. He repeated his warning. They shouted even louder. So I think the world will come to an end amid the general applause from all the wits who believe that it is a joke.” ― Søren Kierkegaard

I think about those guys who do the Jerimiah thing, walking around with a sign that says “The End is Near”.  I would like to hire another guy to walk a block behind him with a sign saying “The End”.  What do those guys do when the world doesn’t end on schedule?  Do they have a sign that says “Just Kidding?”  Of course they can always say ‘Just wait’ and, eventually, they will be right.

One of the most popular apocalyptic themes these days is the Zombie Apocalypse.

If there is a zombie apocalypse I am going to Costco. It should be safe – there is plenty of food there, the walls are made of cinder blocks with no windows, and you have to be a member to get in.

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More zombie jokes

·         Where is the safest place in your home from a zombie?  The living room.

·         What is black and white and dead all over?  A zombie in a tuxedo.

·         What did the zombie eat after his teeth were pulled?  The dentist.

·         Why did the zombie lose his lawsuit?  He didn’t have a leg to stand on.

·         A dentist, a lawyer, and a zombie walk into a bar. Three zombies walk out.

Knock knock

Who’s there?

Zombie

Zombie who?

BRAAIINS!

Then there was the dyslexic zombie who starved because he couldn’t find any SNIIAARB

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I have used this joke before but it fits; and I think it is funny

There was a long, long line of spirits at the gate waiting to get into heaven. Not all these spirits could fit into heaven, so the ones who died the worst death would be allowed in.
The first man in line started telling his story, "Well, Peter, you see, I knew that my wife was cheating on me so I decided to come home early from work one day to catch them in the act. I got home found by wife in bed but couldn’t find the guy.  I searched all over but I couldn’t find him. Then when I walked out onto the balcony, there he was dangling his fingers. So I ran and got a hammer then started beating him with it and he fell. Well, the fall didn't kill him, because he landed in a bush so I picked up the refrigerator and threw it on him. Although that killed him, the strain gave me a heart attack, and here I am."
The next man came up and started his story. "St. Peter, I always work out on my balcony on the 7th floor of my apartment building. I was on my stationary bike one day and I fell off when it flipped. I sailed over the rail and I thought ''Please God spare my life'' and he did. I caught on to a balcony below me. I was even happier when a man discovered me hanging there. But all of a sudden he started beating my hands with a hammer so I fell again. But the dear Lord saved me again when I landed in a bush. But I'm here now because the guy threw his refrigerator on top of me."
It was now the third guy's turn to start his story. "Well, Peter, just picture this. I'm hiding in this married chick's refrigerator....."

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Why was the man fired from a calendar factory? – He took a day off.  Then he was fired from the clock making factory from all those extra hours he put in.

And finally, something entirely off topic:
Ole and Sven were drinking buddies who worked as aircraft mechanics in Minneapolis and one day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.
Ole said, "I vish ve had somethin ta drink!"
Sven says, "Me too. Y'know, I hear ya can drink dat jet fuel and get a buzz. Ya vanna try it?"
So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and got completely smashed.
Next morning Ole woke up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing!
The phone rang. It was Sven who asks "How iss you feelin dis mornin?"
Ole says, "I feel great. How bout you?"
Sven says, "I feel great, too. Ya don't have no hangover?"
Ole says, "No dat jet fuel iss great stuff -- no hangover, nothin. Ve oughta do dis more often."
Sven agreed."Yeah, vell, but dere's yust vun ting."
Ole asked, "Vat's dat?"
Sven questioned, "Haff you farted yet?"
Ole stopped to think. "No "
"Vell, DON'T, 'cause I'm in Iowa."