Bar none JOW #953

So we have successfully (I hope) passed Thanksgiving… in a manner of speaking.  Now is time to get a running start toward Christmas.  Work becomes a bit more urgent as we know that we only have a couple of weeks to get things done before Christmas takes over.  One nice thing about the days getting shorter: you can start drinking sooner.  Nothing like a nice toddy on a cold winter’s night.  That line of though got me thinking about one of my favorite genres of jokes – the ‘Walks into a Bar’.  I am going to start with a few of them before devolving into a final random few to finish.  Enjoy.

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A dog walks into a bar and hops up on a stool. He looks the bartender in the eye and says, "Hey, guess what? I can talk. Have you ever seen a talking dog before? How about a drink?"
The bartender thinks for a moment and says, "Sure, the toilet's right around the corner."

^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Three vampires walk into a bar. The first one says, "I'll have a pint of blood."
The second one says, "I'll have one, too."
The third one says, "I'll have a pint of plasma."
The bartender says, "So, that'll be two Bloods and a Blood Lite?"

++++++++++++

A man walks into a bar with a pork pie on his head. The barman asks, "Why are you wearing a pork pie on your head?"
The man replies, "It's a family tradition. We always wear pork pies on our heads on Tuesday."
The barman remarks, "But it's Wednesday."
Sheepishly, the man says, "Man, I must look like a real fool."

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A guy walks into a bar looking frustrated. The bartender asks, "What's the matter?"
The guy replies, "Well I've got these two horses and I can't tell them apart. I don't know if I'm mixing up riding times or even feeding them the right foods."
The bartender suggests, "Why don't you try shaving the tail of one of the horses?"
The guy says, "That sounds like a good idea, I think I'll try it."
A few months later, he returns to the bar in worse condition. "I shaved the tail of one of the horses, but it grew back and I can't tell them apart again!"
The bartender says, "Why don't you try shaving the mane?"
A few months later the guy is back. "I shaved the mane of one of the horses, but it grew back!"
The bartender yells, "Just measure the damn horses. Perhaps one is slightly taller that the other one!" The guy storms out of the bar.
The next day, the guy runs into the bar. "It worked, it worked!" he exclaims. "I measured the horses, and the black one is two inches taller than the white one!"

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A man walks into a bar with a cheese sandwich under his arm. "A pint of Guinness for me and the cheese sandwich," he says to the barman.
"I'm sorry, sir," replies the barman, "we don't serve food in here."

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Pat and Willy walked into a bakery.  After a bit they walked out without making any purchases.  Once clear of the store, Pat began laughing hysterically. 

“What’s so funny?” Willy asked.

“I took three pastries from that guy and he never noticed,” Pat replied, showing Willy the pastries in his pocket.  “Pretty clever, huh?”

“I’ll show you clever,” said Willy.  “Come with me.”

He walked back into the bakery with Pat following cautiously.

“Let me show you a fine trick,” Willy said to the baker.  The baker, a large man crossed his arms and looked at him with suspicion.

“Watch carefully,” Willy said.  He then took three pastries, just like the ones that Pat had stolen, and proceeded to gobble them down.  “Now here’s the trick,” Willy said as the baker advanced on him.  Willy made some magical gestures and then announced, “Those three pastries are right there in my friend Pat’s pocket.”

>>>>>>>>>>>>>> 

Jimmy Walker, once mayor of New York City, was ill in the hospital and for some medical reason had to be fed through a tube. After a few days he began to feel better and noticed that the nurse was exceptionally cute. The next afternoon when she had finished feeding him, the Mayor said, “Look, tomorrow, bring another tube and we’ll have lunch together.”

And finally, a moral lesson from an uncredited friend.

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me...
It was her beautiful younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else. One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was
alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.  Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.
She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.'
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.  I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.  Lord... And behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'
And the moral of this story is:  Always keep your condoms in your car.