Overtly Political JOW #950

I am not sure if you heard, but there is an election this Tuesday.  I, for one, will be heartily glad to see the end of campaigning.  Most of the ads I hear are versions of: “If you are sick of negative campaign ads, vote for me and not my opponent who is a corrupt, lying hypocrite.”

I also deplore the dumbing down of the ads.  Most Americans are more or less moderate which is why both sides using clever editing to try to position their opponents as one extreme or another.  I am heartily sick of our current crop of candidates.  I did some research and came up with a few actual historical examples of a refreshingly different set of candidates.

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First, my personal favorite: Kinky Friedman who ran for the governor of the great state of Texas with a stated goal of the ‘dewussification” of Texas.  He had campaign slogans like “My governor is a Jewish cowboy” and “Why the Hell not?”  I voted for him for just that reason.

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Retired farmer Connie Watts of Georgia campaigned for the US presidency in 1960 as the write-in "rocking-chair candidate" of the Front Porch Party (so-called because his campaign headquarters was his front porch, which he never left).

He promised a law to "keep them 'vine-ripened' stickers off of them mushy green tomatoes." He also promised that he would move the nation's capital to "right out there on that knoll" 200 yards away from his chair.

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Also in 1960, Gabriel Green, founder of the Amalgamated Flying Saucer Clubs of America, announced his candidacy for the presidency of the United States, promoting himself as "your write-in space-age candidate."

Thanks to his contact with the "space people," Green promised that his presidency would usher in "The World of Tomorrow, and UTOPIA now." Using his system of "prior choice economics," he would eliminate money by giving everyone a credit card. He also promised, "free permanent insurance on everything, no more taxes, free medical and dental care for everyone without the disadvantage of socialized medicine and cradle to grave economic security."

However, Green withdrew his candidacy several months before the election, conceding that "not enough Americans have yet seen flying saucers or talked to outer space people to vote" for him.

                                                         

In 1969, Rodney Fertel, former husband of Ruth Fertel, founder of Ruth Chris Steak House, ran for mayor of New Orleans as a single-issue candidate. He promised that, if elected, he would "get a gorilla for the zoo." That was his one and only goal. He called this the "primate platform."

Fertel campaigned by standing on street corners, sometimes dressed in a safari outfit, sometimes in a gorilla suit, handing out miniature plastic gorillas to passersby. He gave black gorillas to black voters and white gorillas to white voters.

Fertel lost the election. He only got 308 votes. But he kept his promise by donating a pair of West African gorillas the following year to the New Orleans zoo at his own expense.

                                                                                   

In 1970, Hunter S. Thompson, inventor of Gonzo journalism ran for sheriff of Aspen, Colorado, on the "Freak Power" ticket, which claimed to represent all "freaks, heads, criminals, anarchists, beatniks, poachers, wobblies, bikers, and persons of weird persuasion."

He promised a number of reforms if elected, including:

·         Changing the name of Aspen to "Fat City."

·         Ripping up the city streets with jackhammers to force all transportation to be by foot or bicycle. 

·         Putting dope pushers who sold at a profit in stocks.

·         Disarming the sheriff and his deputies.

·         Stopping exploitation of Aspen's image by "greenheads, land-rapers, and other human jackals." 

Thompson narrowly lost the election, but he later noted that the narrowness of his defeat was, in itself, quite an achievement given his campaign's "out-front Mescaline platform."

Here is another refreshing candidate

The man who calls himself Vermin Supreme (it's his legal name) has campaigned in numerous state and national US elections since the late 1980s. Throughout that time, his central argument has always remained the same. It is that all politicians are vermin, and therefore as the Vermin Supreme he is, without question, the most qualified candidate.

He can be recognized by the large black boot that he wears on his head.

Over the years Vermin Supreme has made many promises. If elected, he will:

·         Give all seriously ill people a bus ticket to Canada.

·         Provide government-issued toothpaste "containing addictive yet harmless substances."

·         Make crime against the law.

·         Give every American a free pony.

·         Fully fund time travel research.

And finally, an amusing essay

It all started a few weeks back. I started noticing dog acting strangely. For instance, on our walks, our dog would start barking at the Black Labs and Chihuahuas on our street. Sure, I thought it was weird, but I didn’t say anything.

Things grew stranger. One day I came home to find him peeing on the latest issue of The New York Times — a clear statement regarding his thoughts about free press. “THE PRESS IS IN PLACE TO PROTECT CITIZENS!” I screamed. The next day? I dropped him off at the groomer for an appointment. When I picked him up his hair was extremely short on the sides and long on top. I certainly did not ask for that haircut. “What in the name of Elizabeth Warren is going on?” I thought

That’s when I began to talk to my friends. Was I this out of touch with the Middle-America dog community? Was I so trapped inside my own elite dog-bubble that I couldn’t see this coming? I mean, I know white men support Trump, but Golden Retrievers? They thought I was just being paranoid.

To this day I still don’t know what to believe. I know it may sound far fetched, but given our current political climate I wouldn’t be shocked. If others are feeling comfortable enough to hold KKK rallies and openly support white supremacy, then who’s to say our dogs aren’t having similar thoughts? Do you know what your dog is doing while you’re at work?

Here’s a tip if you’re concerned. Set your TV to CNN when you leave in the morning. If you come back and it’s on FOX, you know something’s up.

You can call me crazy. Heck, tell me I’m insane. Think what you’d like. But don’t be surprised if you see my dog on Bill Maher sometime soon.