Thanks for the JOW #952

Thursday is Thanksgiving, that special time of year where we, as Americans, give thanks for our manifold blessings.  And we have a lot to be thankful for – for the last three hundred years people in America have had a relatively higher standard of living than the rest of the world.  Even though we, as a people, are so well off that we can make every day a feast, it is still a wonderful thing to be able to assemble with friends and family over a (big) special meal.  I have taken Thanksgiving with Ruth’s family every year for the past 25 years which sort of makes it a family tradition.  My part in that tradition is to be the uncle who eats too much and falls asleep watching the Dallas Cowboys.  I hope all of you have a great Thanksgiving as well.  Here are a few jokes, some of which feature Thanksgiving themes.

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What a wonderful time it is.  Romaine lettuce is not healthy and dark chocolate is.

I always try to put a positive spin on things.  For example if you burn the turkey salmonella won’t be a concern.  You can just tell everyone that it’s Cajun Blackened.  Carving the bird will provide a good cardiovascular workout.  And you can get to the deserts quicker.

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How many turkeys does it take to change a light bulb?  Only one but it takes five hours.

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Time flies. Turkeys don’t.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> 

Young Michael, at true Texan, was sitting in his grandmother's kitchen, watching her prepare the Thanksgiving meal. 'What are you doing?' Michael enquired. 'Oh, I'm just stuffing the turkey,' his grandmother replied. 'Wow, that's cool.' Michael remarked. 'Are you going to hang it next to the deer?' 

Some grade school jokes:

·         If April showers bring May flowers what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims.

·         What kind of music did the Pilgrims like? Plymouth Rock 

·         Why did the turkey cross the road?  Because it was the chicken’s day off.

·         Knock Knock. Who There? Thanksgiving! Thanksgiving for what? Thanks giving us this turkey.

And one for Mike:

What is the difference between a pirate and a cranberry farmer?

A pirate buries his treasure but a cranberry farmer treasures his berries

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

A guy posted on his Face Book status: “Last night I had a little too much to drink and though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and took an Uber.”

Amid the many likes and positive comments was this posting from his best friend.  “Dude, where did you go in that Uber? The party was at your house.”

A leftover Halloween joke:

While walking home an old man took a shortcut through the cemetery.  He saw two girls who came up to him and asked if they could walk with him.  They explained they were scared to walk past the cemetery at night.  The old man agreed and then mischievously grinned and said, “I understand.  I used to get freaked out by things like that too. When I was alive.”

Here are some jokes passed on to me from Bill

·         The weakest part of a car is the nut behind the wheel

·         Adultery is a sin.  You can’t have your Kate and Edith too.

·         I had a really tough day.  First my ex got run over by a bus.  Then I got fired from job as a bus driver.

·         Everything happens for a reason.  Sometimes the reason is you are stupid and make bad decisions.

·         As a kid did you knock on stranger’s doors and then run away before they could answer?  If so, good news, UPS is hiring.

And finally, a completely off-topic joke:

A dedicated Teamsters union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels.

When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union house?"

"No," she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't."

"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?

"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20," she answered.

Offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, "Why yes sir, this is a union house. We observe ALL union rules." The man asked, "And, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"
"The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."

"That's more like it!" the union man said.

He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room, and pointed to a stunningly attractive green-eyed blonde.

I'd like her," he said.

"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam.

Then she gestured to a 80 year old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has 57 years seniority and according to union rules, she's next!"