Peel the Onion JOW #956

Although it is almost Christmas, I am saving most of my holiday jokes for next week although I do have some at the end.  Instead I have purloined some bits from the Onion – a satirical publication that has been skewering the world with genuine fake news stores for a quarter century.  Sometimes their fake headlines go mainstream such as:

“Our long national nightmare of peace and prosperity is finally over.”

“Scientists still years away from deciphering wireless bills.”

The latest parenting fads, according to the Onion:

• Couples are waiting to announce their pregnancy until after their child has graduated college and become a partner in a successful law firm.

• Parents are choosing not to learn the gender of their obstetrician.

• As part of the new Infinity Womb trend, women are using a wide range of Lamaze, strength-training, and yoga techniques to forcefully prevent their children from ever leaving their wombs, forever protecting them from the harsh realities of the world.

These holiday “headlines”—concocted by the satirists at the Onion—are completely fabricated. And yet they have the ring of truth.

• Coal Now Too Expensive to Put in Christmas Stockings

• Study Finds Link Between Red Wine, Letting Your Mother Know What You Really Think

• Accountants Pack Times Square for Fiscal New Year

• Book Given as Gift Actually Read

Typical Onion fare are these fake reports.

Greatest Factor in Employee Retention is Boss Sending our End of Year Note

“Citing the gesture as a “best practice shared across the nation’s highest-morale offices,” researchers at the Harvard Business School published a report Friday identifying a correlation between workplaces with the highest employee retention rate and those where management distributed an end-of-year note titled “Thanks Team.” “Our findings clearly show a hastily dashed-off email telling employees to ‘keep up the good work’ far outweighs other factors such as pay raises, promotions, and company culture in terms of keeping efficient workers in the stable,” said head researcher Dr. Ellen Mahoney,

Fun Toy Banned Because of Stupid Dead Kid

A popular rocket toy has been banned because of the death of, Bobby Wieller, 11, who was killed by the toy.  "Shortly before dying, Weiller told emergency medical personnel at St. Luke's Medical Center that he had shot the missile into his nose in the belief that it would travel through his body and out his belly button.
"'I've heard some pretty stupid s*** in my time, but that has to take the cake," said Dr. Anderson Hunt, the attending physician. "Why would any kid think he could fire plastic missiles up his nose and expect them to come out his belly button? There's no point in feeling bad about this child's demise, because the deck was obviously stacked against him from the start.'"

Here is an old headline about the previous pope:

Pope Francis Worried About Job Security After Butting Heads With New God

“At first, I thought it was going to be a fairly smooth transition, but it turns out He and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot of things,” said the pope, adding that the difficult new omnipotent deity had been “riding [his] ass nonstop” on everything from the divine revelation to the liturgical calendar. “I got along great with the old God, but this one gets wrathful over practically nothing. Frankly, He’s kind of a jerk."

Report: Unemployment High Because People Keep Blowing Their Job Interviews

"According to the findings, seven out of 10 Americans could have landed their dream job last month if they had known where they see themselves in five years, and the number of unemployed could be reduced from 14.6 million to 5 million if everyone simply greeted potential employers with firmer handshakes, maintained eye contact, and stopped fiddling with their hair and face so much."

The Onion is apolitical.  They skewer left and right

Area Man Passionate Defender of What He Imagines Constitution to Be

"Right there in the preamble, the authors make their priorities clear: 'one nation under God,'" said Mortensen, attributing to the Constitution a line from the Pledge of Allegiance, which itself did not include any reference to a deity until 1954. "Well, there's a reason they put that right at the top."

ACLU Defends Nazis' Right to Burn Down ACLU Headquarters

"I am reminded of the words of Voltaire: 'I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it,'" Strossen said. "While the ACLU vehemently disagrees with the idea of Nazis torching this building, the principle of freedom of expression must be supported in all cases. If we take away these Nazis' right to burn down our headquarters, we take away everyone's right to burn down our headquarters."

Now for something completely different: Random Star Wars Memes

Yeah, if you could just surrender to the dark side, that’d be great

Nice suit Vader, but it must have cost you like an arm and a leg.

Some memes you can set to music

Looking for love in Alderaan places

Or this hopping ditty:

I just met you

And this crazy,

But I’m your father

So join me maybe.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Halloween is the beginning of the holiday shopping season. That's for women. The beginning of the holiday shopping season for men is Christmas Eve.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A woman goes to the post office and asks for 50 Hanukkah stamps.

“What denomination?” asks the clerk.

The woman answers, “Six Orthodox, 12 Conservative, and 32 Reform.”

And finally,

Three buildings in town were overrun by squirrels—the town hall, the hardware store, and the church. The town hall brought in some cats. But after they tore up all the files, the mayor got rid of the predators, and soon the squirrels were back.

The hardware store humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free outside town. But three days later, the squirrels climbed back in.

Only the church came up with an effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and made them members. Now they see them only on Christmas and Easter.