Christmas JOW #957

Christmas is a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.  Actually, when you think about it, Christmas is a baby shower that got way out of control.

Here are a few Christmas themed jokes for your own present because if Santa’s been reading some of the things you have been posting on Facebook, some of you got lumps of coal in your stockings.  I hope you all have a very merry time this Christmas and have a happy and prosperous new year.

What did Adam say to his wife the day before Christmas? It’s Christmas, Eve!

21st Century Christmas songs

·         Rudolph the red nosed reindeer had a very shiny phone

·         90 Days of Christmas (because it starts in October now).

·         It's beginning to cost a lot like Christmas!

·         iPhones ring, are you listenin'

·         Do You Retweet What I Tweet?

·         All I want for Christmas is two retweets...

·         Doorbells ring are you listenin Amazon is deliverin
Frosty the snowperson

Some radio stations are pulling the song ‘Baby it’s cold outside’ in support of the MeToo movement.  I think they should also consider pulling ‘Do you hear what I hear?” as it might be offensive to schizophrenics.

What are the best books to read during the holidays?

·         The Lord of the Five Golden Rings

·         For Whom the Jingle Bells Toll

·         Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secret Santas

·         Frankincense and Sensibility

One Christmas, a husband said to his wife, “I think there’s something wrong with these cookies, dear. They taste awful.”

His wife replied, “That shows you what you know. The recipe book says they’re delicious.” 

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How is Christmas like your job? You do all the work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit.

Some first person Christmas jokes

A waitress at our restaurant had a change of clothes stolen from the break room. Making matters worse, she’d planned on wearing them to the Christmas party.

As a brand-new employee, I didn’t know any of this backstory, so I was a bit surprised to find this indignant note posted on the community board: “It has been two weeks since the Christmas party, and I still have not found my clothes.” 

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As we were putting out cookies for Santa on Christmas Eve, I accidentally dropped one. “No problem,” I said, picking it up and dusting it off before placing it back on the plate.

“You can’t do that,” argued my four-year-old.

“Don’t worry. Santa will never know.”

He shot me a look. “So he knows if I’ve been bad or good, but he doesn’t know the cookie fell on the floor?” 

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A customer walked into our store looking for Christmas lights. I showed her our top brand, but—wanting to make sure each bulb worked—she asked me to take them out of the box and plug them in. I did, and each one lit up.

“Great,” she said.

I carefully placed the string of lights back in the box. But as I handed them to her, she looked alarmed.

“I don’t want this box,” she said abruptly. “It’s been opened.”

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What is Santa’s favorite pizza? One that’s “deep pan, crisp and even.”

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What do you get if you cross Santa with a detective? Santa Clues.

>>>>>>>>>>> 

Did you know that Santa’s not allowed to go down chimneys this year? It was declared unsafe by the Elf and Safety Commission.

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Why did Donald Trump invite Kanye West round to help with his Christmas presents? Because Kanye is Trump’s favorite wrapper.

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There are no divorce courts at the North Pole, so when Santa and his wife wanted to split up, they got a semicolon.  They're great for separating independent Clauses.

More random thoughts

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water. 

And I wonder sometimes, what if there were no hypothetical situations?

Here is a final Christmas joke

Sarah and her sister had been fighting a lot this year. This happens when you combine a headstrong four-year-old, who is sure she is always right, with a young adolescent.
 Sarah's parents, trying to take advantage of her newfound interest in Santa Claus, reminded the Sarah that Santa was watching and doesn't like it when children fight. This had little impact.
 "I'll just have to tell Santa about your misbehavior," the mother said as she picked up the phone and dialed. Sarah's eyes grew big as her mother asked "Mrs. Claus" (really Sarah's aunt; Santa's real line was busy) if she could put Santa on the line. Sarah's mouth dropped open as Mom described to Santa (Sarah's uncle) how the two-year-old was acting. But, when Mom said that Santa wanted to talk to her, she reluctantly took the phone.
 Santa, in a deepened voice, explained to her how there would be no presents Christmas morning to children who fought with their sisters. He would be watching, and he expected things to be better from now on.
 Sarah, now even more wide eyed, solemnly nodded to each of Santa's remarks and silently hung the phone up when he was done. After a long moment, Mom (holding in her chuckles at being so clever) asked, "What did Santa say to you, dear?"
 In almost a whisper, Sarah sadly but matter-of-factly stated, "Santa said he won't be bringing any toys to my sister this year."