Shopping for a JOW #955

I was shopping around for some JOW fodder when I realized that many of you are actually shopping for gifts.  That gave some ideas which, when added to some fodder kindly provided by other JOW sufferers, gave me enough ideas to product his set of Jokes of the week.

A man was in the shop looking for a jacket to buy his girlfriend as a present.

He couldn't decide which one to get, so he asked the salesman, "If you were buying a jacket for your girlfriend, which one would you get?

He said, "A bulletproof one. I'm married."

Another shopping joke
A couple drove their car to the store, only to have it break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand up his shorts, and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband, who was standing idly by, waiting for the mechanic to finish.

Here are some witty observations on signs passed on by Bill:

·         Dogs can’t operate MRI scanners.  But catscan.

·         Our mountains are not just funny, they’re hill areas.

·         Turning vegan would be a big missed steak

·         Well, to be Frank I would have to change my name.

·         If you can’t laugh at yourself, call me.  I will.

·         Electricians have to strip to make ends meet.

·         My mood ring is missing and I’m not sure how I feel about that.

·         Despite the high cost of living it remains popular

·         I am friends with 25 letters of the alphabet.  I don’t know Y.

·         A steer wandered into a field of pot.  The steaks have never been higher.

·         Crushing cans soda pressing.

·         In search of fresh vegetable puns.  Lettuce know.

·         I’ve been really down lately, but my friend keeps telling me it could always be worse. He says I could be trapped in a hole in the ground filled with water.  I know he means well.

Which reminded me of this one

Q: Why did the blind man fall in a well?
A: He couldn’t see that well.

From Tor:

So I was at the bar last night gettin' smashed and a waitress screamed, "Does anyone know CPR?"

I shouted, "Hell, I know the whole alphabet"

Then everyone laughed.... well except for this one guy.

Which got me thinking about dumb jokes.  I love ‘dumb’ jokes.  Hell, sometimes I am one. 

McDonald's and I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken Nuggets.

I asked for a half dozen nuggets.

'We don't have half dozen nuggets,' said the teenager at the counter.

'You don't?' I replied.

'We only have six, nine, or twelve,' was the reply.

'So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?'

'That's right.'

So I shook my head and ordered six nuggets.

 (Must have been the same one I asked for sweetener and she said they didn't have any, only  Splenda and sugar)

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car.

'Do you need some help?' I asked.

She replied, 'I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door un-locker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?'

Hmm, I don't know. Do you have an alarm, too?' I asked.

'No, just this remote thingy,' she answered, handing it and the car keys to me.

As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, 'Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk....'

>>>>>>>>>>>> 

One day an intern was typing and turned to a secretary and said, 'I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?'

'Just use paper from the photocopier', the secretary told her.

With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies.

Life is tough. It's even tougher if you're stupid!!!!

There are no stupid questions, just stupid people. Here are a few stupid people euphemisms

Not the brightest crayon in the box
Not the sharpest knife in the drawer
Not the fastest horse in the race
Not the sharpest tool in the shed
Not the brightest star in the sky
A few fries short of a Happy Meal. 
The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead. 
He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down. 
Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor. 
Forgot to pay his brain bill. 
If he had another brain, it would be lonely. 
A few beers short of a six-pack. 
Dumber than a box of hair. 
A few peas short of a casserole. 
One taco short of a combination plate. 
Body by Bowflex, brain by Mattel. 
An intellect rivaled only by garden tools. 
As smart as bait. 
His belt doesn't go through all the loops. 
Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse. 
In the pinball game of life, his flippers were a little farther apart than most. 
The front porch lights on, but there ain’t nobody's home. 
If dumb were dirt, he'd cover about an acre.

And a final shopping joke

The son of a rich Saudi sheikh arrives in Germany for his University studies. He soon writes home to his father.

Dear Dad, Berlin is wonderful, the people are nice and I really like it here, but Dad I am a little ashamed to be riding to class every day in my  gold Ferrari 599GTB when my professors, friends and many fellow students all travel by train. Your son, Ahmed

Promptly, his father writes back. My Dear son Ahmed, $20 Million has just been transferred to your account. Please stop embarrassing our family. Go and get yourself a train, too.