Mean old JOW #961

I was in a pretty cranky mood after the results of the football weekend, so I looked for/thought of some angry jokes.  Not surprisingly most of them dealt with the eternal battle of the sexes.  I hope you enjoy these somewhat spicy jokes this week.

Some back and forth banter

Man: "Wanna hear a joke about my penis? Oh never mind, it's too long."
Woman: "Want to hear a joke about my vagina? Never mind, you'll never get it."

A guy takes his girlfriend to his bedroom, drops his pants, and says, "Meet my little brother."

The girlfriend picks up her purse on the way out and says, "Call me when he grows up."

A man comes home, finds his wife in bed with another man, and asks, “What is this?!?”

The wife turns to her lover and says, “See, I told you he was stupid!”

A wife asked her husband, "Honey, will you still love me when I am old and overweight?"

The man replied, "Yes, I do."

A guy and his wife are sitting and watching a boxing match on television. The husband sighs and complains, “This is disappointing. It only lasted for 30 seconds!”

“Good,” replied his wife. “Now you know how I always feel.”

Some short ones:

·         I don't have a girlfriend but I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

·         Madder than a barefoot centipede on a hot rock.

·         Righteous Indignation: Your own wrath, as opposed to the shocking bad temper of others.

·         I’m Mad as Hell, but mostly in a Passive Aggressive Way!

^^^^^^^^^^^

If you want to know who really is ‘man’s best friend’, put your dog and your wife in the trunk of your car, come back an hour later, open the trunk, and see which one is happy to see you.

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An elderly couple talk in the evening:
“Honey, I’m so sorry that I let out my anger at you so often. How do you manage to stay so calm with my foul moods?”
“I always go and clean the toilet when that happens.”
“And that helps?”
“Yes, because I’m using your toothbrush.”

<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

One night a man walks into a bar looking sad. The bartender asks the man what he wants. The man says “Oh just a beer”.

The bartender asked the man “What’s wrong, why are you so down today?”

The man said “My wife and I got into a fight, and she said she wouldn’t talk to me for a month”.

The bartender said “So what’s wrong with that”?

“Well the month is up tonight”.

……

Bob goes to see his friend Pete. He finds Pete in his barn dancing naked around his John Deere tractor. "What are you doing!" asks Bob.

Pete stops dancing & says, "My wife has been ignoring me lately so I talked to my therapist and he said I needed to do something sexy to a tractor." 

>>>>>>>>>>> 

A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the cat burglar the police had caught who had broken into his house the night before.

“You’ll get your chance in court.” said the Desk Sergeant.

“No, no no!” said the man. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I’ve been trying to do that for years!”

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In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.

In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.

In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

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A couple rushes into the hospital because the wife is going into labor. After she is admitted a doctor says to them that he has invented a machine that splits the labor pains between the mother and father. They agree to try it and are led into a room where they get hooked up to the machine. The doctor starts it off at 20% split towards the father. The wife says, "Oh, that's actually better." The husband says he can't feel anything. Then the doctor turns it to 50% and the wife says that it doesn't hurt nearly as much. The husband says he still can't feel anything. The Doctor, now encouraged, turns it up to 100%. The husband still can't feel anything, and the wife is really happy, because the pain is gone. The baby is born. The couple go home and find the postman groaning in pain on the doorstep.

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A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"

The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"

The mourner took a moment to collect himself and replied, "My wife's first husband."

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A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts" She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer. When he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start." This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer. When it was gone, he said, "Quick, another beer before it starts."

"That's it!" She blows her top, "You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"

The husband sighed. "Oh crap, it’s started!”