New Year JOW #958

Just as my last JOW celebrated the fact that it was Christmas, this one starts with a few New Year’s jokes.  Actually, I think New Year's is just a holiday created by calendar companies who don't want you reusing last year's calendar.  Personally, every year on New Year's Eve when everyone's counting down the final ten seconds to ring in the New Year, I get up off the couch and stand up. I stand up and raise my left leg and just leave it raised for a little while until the countdown finishes and midnight strikes, so that I always start the New Year off on the right foot.

Allegedly, one if the things that people do is make New Year’s resolutions.  Although I don’t know anyone who actually does that, it is fodder for jokes.  Here are a few:

·         My New Year's resolution is to be more optimistic by keeping my cup half-full with either rum, vodka, or whiskey. 

·         This New Years I resolved to lead a better life. Now all I have to do is find someone who will trade lives with me.

·         A New Year's resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other. 

·         My New Year's resolution is 1080p.

·         I was going to quit all my bad habits for the New Year, but then I remembered that nobody likes a quitter.

Some New Year’s thoughts

I love when they drop the ball in Times Square. It's a nice reminder of what I did all year.

An optimist stays up until midnight to see the New Year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves.

What happened to the Irish man who thought about the evils of drinking in the New Year? He gave up thinking.

Where can you find comedians on New Year's Eve? Waiting for the punchline. 

One Spelling mistake can destroy your life… A husband sent this to his wife: “I’m having a wonderful time wish you were her.”

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Elon Musk is an eccentric millionaire inventor.  Among other things he started Tesla and SpaceX.  He is the guy who launched his personal Tesla with a space-suited dummy in the driver’s seat.

He has a poster in his office of a shooting star.  Beneath it is the caption:

When you wish upon a falling star, your dreams come true. 

Unless it’s a really big meteorite hurtling to the earth which will destroy all life.

Then you’re pretty much hosed no matter what you wish for.  Unless it’s death by meteor.

 ````````````

Remember when Musk funded The Boring Company by selling real flamethrowers?  (I actually briefly considered getting one just for the cool factor.  It was only $500 but they sold out in four days.) Don’t believe me?  Here is a link: real-life flamethrowers.

He backed up the unbelievable publicity stunt with some ripper tweets urging people to buy them because they would really come in handy if the zombie apocalypse arrives. 

·         When the zombie apocalypse happens, you’ll be glad you bought a flamethrower. Works against hordes of the undead or your money back!

·         The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false

He has some other pretty funny/odd tweets

·         The rumor that I'm building a spaceship to get back to my home planet Mars is totally untrue

·         And, no, I'm not an alien...but I used to be one

·         Don’t want to blow your mind, but I’m pretty weird. It’s time the world knew.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

He answered this tweet – “Is there any reason that most of the [SpaceX] landings appear to have been at night so far?”

His response:

·         It's much easier to do the CGI that way

And

·         Sometimes you have to remind people that rocket science is rocket science.

……………………

He is just the sort of character who would have a James Bond-like secret hideout.  Musk seems to understand that.  After his successful SpaceX landing he tweeted

·         If this project works I am treating myself to a volcano lair.  It’s time.

Some Family jokes

My children seem to have my twisted sense of humor.  I don’t know whether to be proud or frightened.

++++++++++

A mom texts, "Hi! Son, what does IDK, LY, & TTYL mean?"

He texts back, "I Don't Know, Love You, & Talk To You Later."

The mom texts him, "It's ok, don't worry about it. I'll ask your sister, love you too."

<<<<<<<<<<< 

No one in my family seems to suffer from insanity.  We all seem to enjoy it.

>>>>>>>>>>> 

Apparently I snore so loudly it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.

^^^^^^^^^^^^

Okay, I may not be talented or smart, or all that good looking or especially athletic… I forgot where I was going with this.

Son: "Dad, when will I be old enough so I don't have to ask mom for her permission to go out?"
Dad: "Son, even I haven't grown old enough to go out without her permission!"

And remember, a spelling error can ruin your life.  Like the husband who tweeted to his wife from a vacation spot.  “Having a wonderful time.  Wish you were her.”

Alfie was listening to his sister practice her singing. "Sis," he said, "I wish you'd sing Christmas carols." "Thats nice of you, Alfie," she replied, "but why?" Alfie replied, "Because then I'd only have to hear your voice once a year!"

And finally

A Native American child goes to his father and asks, "Father, how do parents think of names for their children?" The father answers, "Well, son, in our tribe, the night before the mother gives birth, the father goes into the woods and camps for the night. When he wakes the following morning, the first thing he sees is what he names his child, which is why your sister is named Soaring Eagle. Why do you ask, Bear Poop?"