Here are a few jokes on a beautiful winter’s day. Days like these are makeups for the months of
heat and humidity. I really don’t have a
theme for this week. I just collected
some random thoughts and jokes that came to me all week. In truth, it can be pretty weird in there
sometimes.
Here are some light bits of humor your perusal and
hopefully, amusement.
Choosing a movie? Don’t trust these extremely
abbreviated plot explanations.
• The Shining: A family’s first Airbnb experience
goes very wrong.
• The Lord of the Rings: Group spends nine hours
returning jewelry.
• Titanic: Everyone tries the ice-bucket challenge.
• Beauty and the Beast: The Stockholm syndrome
works.
• The Chronicles of Narnia: Kid comes out of the
closet.
These words are so joining our vocabulary in
2019!
Chairdrobe (n.): piling clothes on a chair in place
of a closet or dresser.
Epiphanot (n.): an idea that seems like an amazing
insight to the conceiver but is in fact pointless, mundane, stupid, or
incorrect.
Internest (n.): the cocoon of blankets and pillows
you gather around yourself while spending long periods of time on the Internet.
Textpectation (n.): the anticipation felt when
waiting for a response to
a
text.
Unkeyboardinated (adj.): when you’re unable to type
without repeatedly making mistakes.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
And speaking of words, I just found the worst page in the
entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and
disingenuous.
>>>>>>>>>>
The attorney tells the accused, “I have some good news
and some bad news.”
“What’s the bad news?” asks the accused.
“The bad news is, your blood is all over the crime scene,
and the DNA tests prove you did it.”
“What’s the good news?”
“Your cholesterol is at a nice, healthy level.”
<<<<<<<<<<<<<
A woman noticed her husband standing on the bathroom
scale, sucking in his stomach. “Ha! That’s not going to help,” she said.
“Sure, it does,” he said. “It’s the only way I can see
the numbers.”
A few unrelated one-liners
·
Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to help
check her balance. So I pushed her over.
·
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't
know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.
·
I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too
high. She looked surprised.
·
My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It
got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.
·
I'm so good at sleeping. I can do it with my
eyes closed.
·
My boss told me to have a good day - so I went
home.
·
A woman walks into a library and asked if they
had any books about paranoia. The librarian says "They're right behind
you!"
·
The other day, my wife asked me to pass her
lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to
me.
·
When you look really closely, all mirrors look
like eyeballs.
·
My friend says to me: "What rhymes with
orange" I said: "No it doesn't"
·
What do you call a guy with a rubber toe?
Roberto.
·
What did the pirate say when he turned 80 years
old? Aye matey.
·
My wife told me I had to stop acting like a
flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.
·
Why did the old man fall in the well? Because he
couldn't see that well.
·
I ate a clock yesterday, it was very time
consuming.
·
I know a lot of jokes about unemployed
people but none of them work.
·
What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A
carrot.
·
Did you hear about the Italian chef that died?
He pasta way.
·
Why couldn't the bicycle stand up? Because it
was two tired!
·
Parallel lines have so much in common. It’s a
shame they’ll never meet.
·
My wife accused me of being immature. I told her
to get out of my fort.
·
Where do you find a cow with no legs? Right
where you left it.
·
When a deaf person sees someone yawn do they
think it’s a scream?
·
As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to
my garden. The plot thickens.
·
How do crazy people go through the forest? They
take the physco path.
·
I just wrote a book on reverse psychology. Do
*not* read it!
·
What did one hat say to the other? You stay
here. I’ll go on ahead.
·
Why wouldn’t the shrimp share his treasure? Because
he was a little shellfish.
·
Did you hear about the dyslexic devil
worshipper? He sold his soul to Santa.
Three quick riddles
Q: What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? A: Phillipe
Phillope.
Q: What do you call an Amish guy with his hand in a horse’s mouth?
A: A mechanic.
Finally, an attempt at a limerick
A crafty young bard named McMahon,
Whose poetry never would scan,
Once said, with a pause,
“It’s probably because
I’m always trying to cram as many extra syllables into the last line as I possibly can.”
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