I have some sort of science-based jokes. I have to be careful with science jokes;
after all, my wife is a scientist and I need to tread lightly. But I think none of these will get me into
trouble. Besides, I really like these. I know, there is not accounting for taste.
Q: How do mathematicians
scold their children?
A: If I’ve told you once
I’ve told you n+1 times…”
++++++++
Did you hear about the
mathematician who was afraid of negative numbers? He would stop at nothing to avoid them.
-------------
A mathematician wandered
back home at 3:00 AM and proceeds to get an earful from his wife.
“You said you would be home
by 11:45!”
“Actually,” he retorted, “I
said I would be back by a quarter of twelve.”
^^^^^^^^^^^^
A statistician has
discovered that the average human has at least one testicle and one breast.
Some scientific
definitions:
·
The ratio of an
igloo’s circumference to its diameter – Eskimo Pi
·
2000 pounds of
Chinese soup – Won ton
·
One millionth of a
mouthwash – one microscope
·
Weight an
evangelist carries with God – One Billygram
·
Time to takes to
sail 220 yards at one nautical mile per hour – Knotfurlong
·
365 days of
drinking low calorie beer – One lite year
·
16.5 feet in the
Twilight Zone – One rod Serling
·
Half of a large
intestine – One semicolon
·
One million aches –
One megahertz
·
Basic unit of
laryngitis – One hoarsepower
·
2000 mockingbirds –
Two kilomocking bird
·
One kilogram of
falling figs – One fig Newton
·
Eight nickels – two
paradigms
·
Time between
slipping on a peel and falling – One bananosecond
·
Shortest distance
between two jokes – A straight line
Here are some esoteric
‘walked into a bar’ jokes.
A German walked into a bar
and ordered a martini.
“Dry?” the bartender asked.
“Nein, just one.”
>>>>>>>>>>
A Roman legionnaire walked
into a bar.
“I’ll have a martinius.”
“You mean a martini?”
“No, just one.”
<<<<<<<<<<<
Then another Roman legionnaire
walked into a bar, held up his fingers in a V, and said, “Give me five beers.”
~~~~~~~~~~~
C, E-flat and G walked into
a bar.
“Sorry,” said the
bartender, “We don’t serve minors.”
--------------------------
One way to tell if you are old.
Fall down in front of some people.
If they laugh at you, you are still considered young. If they run to help you up, you are old
Senior’s medical advice from Dick
I don't understand why prescription medicine is allowed to
advertise on TV or why anyone would think of trying one of the medicines after
listening to the laundry list of warnings of possible side effects. But this is
definitely an exception!
Do you have feelings of inadequacy?
Do you suffer from shyness?
Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?
Do you sometimes feel stressed?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Cabernet Sauvignon!
Cabernet Sauvignon is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident. It can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything.
You will notice the benefits of Cabernet Sauvignon almost immediately and, with a regimen of regular doses, you'll overcome obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want.
Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past. You will discover talents you never knew you had.
Cabernet Sauvignon may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use it but women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.
Side Effects May Include:
Dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night Strip Poker, Truth or Dare, and Naked Twister.
Warnings:
The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may cause you to think you can sing.
The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
Chardonnay, Scotch, Vodka or Bourbon and of course Beer may be substituted for Cabernet Sauvignon, with similar results!
Please feel free to share this important information!
LIFE IS A CABERNET OLD CHUM!!
Do you have feelings of inadequacy?
Do you suffer from shyness?
Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?
Do you sometimes feel stressed?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Cabernet Sauvignon!
Cabernet Sauvignon is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident. It can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything.
You will notice the benefits of Cabernet Sauvignon almost immediately and, with a regimen of regular doses, you'll overcome obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want.
Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past. You will discover talents you never knew you had.
Cabernet Sauvignon may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use it but women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.
Side Effects May Include:
Dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night Strip Poker, Truth or Dare, and Naked Twister.
Warnings:
The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may cause you to think you can sing.
The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
Chardonnay, Scotch, Vodka or Bourbon and of course Beer may be substituted for Cabernet Sauvignon, with similar results!
Please feel free to share this important information!
LIFE IS A CABERNET OLD CHUM!!
Finally from Bill
A thief entered a house mid-afternoon finding the couple making
love. He tied them up and told the man
to hand over his jewelry and money. The man started sobbing and said,
“You can take anything you want. You can kill me. But please untie the ropes and
let her go!”
Thief: “Man, you must really love your wife.”
Man: “No, but she’ll be home soon.”
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