No Respect JOW #967

Ruth and I celebrated our 29^th Anniversary this Sunday.  I read in a book you should treat your wife like you treated her when you were dating.  So after a good meal I took her back to her mother’s house.

As for jokes this week, John provided some one liners from the late great Rodney Dangerfield.  Not only did he have great comedic timing he also wrote tons and tons of hilarious self-depreciating jokes.  Here are a few samples to start of my JOW.

·         With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?"  He told me to run off a cliff. 

·         I went to a massage parlor. It was self-service.

·         My wife and I were happy for 25 years.  Then we met. 

·         It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass! 

·         Last night my wife met me at the front door.  She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.

·         The other day I came home early and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him, 'Why?' He said, 'Because you came home early.'

·         A girl phoned me and said, 'Come on over. There's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home! 

·         A hooker once told me she had a headache

·         My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.

·         My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer. 

·         My wife is such a bad cook.  In my house we pray after the meal. 

·         My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't have had anything to play with.

·         When I played in the sandbox the cat tried to bury me.

·         I told my psychiatrist everybody hates me.  He said, ‘Don’t be ridiculous.  Everybody hasn’t met you.”

·          It's been a rough day. I got up this morning and put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.

·         I'm so ugly my mother had morning sickness AFTER I was born 

·         I was such an ugly kid! When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

·         I'm so ugly, I once worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get. 

·         I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and radio.

·         I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning. 

·         I'm so ugly my father carried around a picture of the kid that came with his wallet 

·         When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through anyway."

·          I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father He said he wanted more proof.

·         Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, & asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know kid. There's so many places they can hide."

·         My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday

·         I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said: "Nothing, your eyesight is perfect."

·         I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest. 

·         One year they wanted to make me a poster boy -- for birth control.

I received this report from an old friend of mine who shall remain nameless.

Yesterday I got my permit to carry a concealed weapon.  So, today I went over to the local Gun shop to get a handgun for home/personal protection. 

When I was ready to pay for the pistol and ammo, the cashier said,   "Strip down, facing me."
Making a mental note to complain to the government about gun control wackos running amok, I did just as she had instructed.
 When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided,
They need to make their instructions to seniors a little more clear.  I found out she was referring to how I should place my credit card in the card reader.

 As a senior citizen, I do not get flustered often, but this time it took me a while to get my pants back on.
 I still don't think I looked that bad! I just need to wear underwear more often.

 I've been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.

And finally, one that Woody passed on:

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'
The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'
The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'
The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.'
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.
He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'
The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'