Admissions JOW #969

Recent allegations of parents bribing prestigious universities to accept their children have been widely reported.  Wealthy parents feel an urgency to ensure that their children attend a top school so they can get a proper Marxist indoctrination and then enter the big bucks world of Art History and Gender Studies.  Personally, if I was going to pay a six figure bribe to get my kid into a school, it better be to Hogwarts.

The FBI called the investigation "Operation Varsity Blues: I guess they're are like, 'Hey, even though we're the FBI, we still know how to have a good time,'

>>>>>>>>>> 

As reports broke that actress Lori Loughlin was one of dozens of people charged by the FBI in an elite college admission scheme, many Twitter users began sharing jokes in reference to the former “Full House” star’s character: Aunt Becky. Why did she have to spend money to get her kids in? I mean, what college admissions committee in their right mind wasn't already admitting Aunt Becky's children?  I am sure that Aunt Becky is actually innocent and is taking the fall for Uncle Jesse.

+++++++

All the people involved in this college scam should have just gathered their money and started a small elite college where Lori Loughlin teaches a class on smiling,

========

You can bribe to get good test grades, and bribe the administrators to get your kid in to college, but at some point people are going to figure out that your kid is stupid. They’ll be in class waving money at the teacher and going - ‘Well, according to “President Franklin” here, the square root of 81 is 8.

-------------

I have a degree from USC – who has the best football team money can buy – and they have been deeply connected with the scandal.  People have been sending them photos of their Golden Retrievers pitching them as possible recruits for the water polo team.  Hey, I think it is a fetching idea.  I can imagine the admission letter:

Dear USC admissions Department,
My dog is very talented and if you admit him I can make it worth your while. {wink, wink, nudge}

<<<<<<<<< 

Some other academic entry-level jokes

Thank you student loans for getting me through college... I don't think I can ever pay you back.

````````````````````

The admissions departments at Bates and Vassar Colleges have compiled a list of bloopers from their admissions essays:

·         If there was a single word to describe me that word would be ‘profectionist.’

·         I was abducted into the National Honor Society.

·         In my senior year I am serving as writting editor of the yearbook.

===========

There is a story that the son of a famous actor responded to the question “Why Yale?” on his entrance essay with “Dear Yale, you’re great.  There is no need to fish for complements.”

And on an essay for Harvard entry another student was asked to demonstrate bravery in 500 words or less.  He wrote “Go Yale.”

They both got in.

Enough with mocking higher education.  Here are a couple of unrelated jokes I like.

The church held a "Marriage Seminar" and the Priest asked Luigi, as his 50th wedding anniversary approached, to share some insight into how he managed to stay married to the same woman all these years. Luigi replied to his audience, "Well, I tried to treat her well and spend money on her. But the best thing I did was take her to Italy for our 40th anniversary."
The Priest said "Luigi, you are an inspiration to all husbands here today. Please tell the audience what you plan for your wife for your 50th anniversary."

Luigi proudly replied "I'm gonna go and bring her back"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has   passed away." The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"   "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."