Fast cars and JOW #979

The Indianapolis 500 and Coco cola 600 are huge auto races that are run on the Sunday before Memorial Day.  Seeing all those cars go whizzing around the track got me thinking about auto racing - that and a suggestion from Mike.  Here are some old jokes about car racing.  The drivers mentioned are pretty old because I haven’t really kept up with the sport. 

Jimmie Johnson was just sitting in the Drivers Lounge chatting with Dale Earnhardt Jr, drinking his Diet Mountain Dew and minding his own business when all of a sudden Kyle Busch comes in and WHACK!! knocks him off the stool and onto the floor. Busch says, "That was a karate chop from Korea." Jimmie thinks ‘geez, what the hell has gotten into Kyle’ and he gets back up and WHACK!! Kyle knocks him down again, and says, "That was a judo chop from Japan."

Jimmy has had enough of this... He gets up, brushes himself off and quietly leaves. He is gone for about an hour. When he returns, he walks up behind Kyle Busch without saying a word and Wham! Knocks Kyle out cold! Jimmy looks at Dale Earnhardt Jr and says, "When he comes to, tell him that's 'Crowbar from Lowe's'."
===============

Two race car drivers, Pat and Clay were talking.  Clay complained that he was having no luck with the ladies.  Pat told him to put him a potato in his pants and the ladies will gather round. Clay goes out for three straight nights with no luck.

He's about to leave when he sees Pat and says " I don't understand, I did what you said and now NO WOMEN will come anywhere near me!"

Pat looks at him, points and says "The potato goes in the front "
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Tony Stewart was looking for a present for his girlfriend.  He went to a department store and approaches an attractive salesgirl, "I'd like to buy some gloves for my girlfriend," Tony said, eyeing the salesgirl, "but I don't know her size."

"Will this help?" she asked sweetly, placing her hand in his.

Oh, yes," he answers. "Her hands are just slightly smaller than yours."

"Will there be anything else?" the sales girl queried as she wrapped the gloves.

"Now that you mention it," he replied, "she also needs a bra and panties."
*************

Kyle Busch and Jeff Gordon are changing clothes in the locker room. Kyle takes off his T-shirt and shorts. He is wearing a bra and a lace garter belt.

"My God," exclaims Jeff, "When did you start wearing women's underwear?"

"Ever since my wife found them in my glove compartment." 

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Bobby and Jeff are bungee-jumping one day. Bobby says to Jeff, "You know, we really suck as racers but I bet we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico." Jeff thinks this is a great idea, so the two pool their money and buy everything they'll need - tower, elastic bungee cord, insurance, etc... They travel to Mexico and begin to set up in the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work. After they have everything ready, they decide to give the crowd a demonstration. Bobby jumps and bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up, the Jeff notices that he has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, Jeff isn't able to catch him, and Bobby falls again, bounces and comes back up again. This time, he is bruised and bleeding. Again, Jeff misses him. Bobby falls again and bounces back up. This time, he comes back pretty messed up - he's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious. Luckily, Jeff finally catches him this time and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?" Bobby says, "No, the cord was fine, but what the hell is a "piñata?"
Some short car-related jokes

·         Most women will tell ya; "If it's got tires or testicles it's gonna be trouble!"
I gave up my seat to a blind person in the bus. That is how I lost my job as a bus driver.

·         Kids in the backseat can cause accidents, but accidents in the backseat cause kids.  Remember - condoms prevent minivans. 

·         My sister bet me I couldn't make a car out of spaghetti. U should have saw her face as I drove pasta.

·         With the rise of self-driving vehicles, it's only a matter of time before we get a country song where a guy's truck leaves him too.

·         What's worse than raining cats and dogs? Hailing Taxis.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Older model British sports cars had a well-deserved reputation for unreliability.  The electrical systems were particularly poor.  Anyone who has ever had the misfortune to own a British sports car is familiar with Lucas Electronics, also known as ‘The Prince of Darkness’.   Why do the British drink warm beer? Because Lucas Electronics makes their refrigerators.

Here is an international car joke I like

A Texas rancher was visiting a farmer in Israel. The proud Israeli showed him around. "Here is where I grow tomatoes, cucumbers, and squash. Over there I built a play set for my kids, next to the doghouse," the farmer said.

The land was tiny, and the Texan was surprised by its small size. "Is this all your land?" he asked.

"Yes," the Israeli said proudly. "This is all mine!"

"You mean this is it? This is all of it?" the Texan said incredulously.

"Yes, yes, this is really all mine!"

"Well, son," said the Texan, "back home I'd get in my car before the sun'd come up and I'd drive and drive and drive, and when the sun set, why, I'd only be halfway across my land!"

"Oh, yes," replied the Israeli farmer wistfully, "I used to have a car like that."

Stoner JOW #978

Lots of states are now legalizing marijuana.  That got me thinking about stoner jokes.  Most of them are variations on being stupid like the famous Cheech and Chong ‘Dave’s not here’ bit. 

____

If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, there would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage.
+++++++++++

The difference between booze and weed?

Five drunk guys will start a fight

Five stoned guys will start a band 

********

What is the difference between a drunk and a stoner at a stop sign?  The drunk guy runs it and the stoner waits for it to turn green.
~~~~~

A stoner called the fire department and said, "Come quick my house is on fire!" 

The Fireman asked "How do we get there?"

The stoner says "Don’t you guys have a big red truck?"

==========
Two stoners are walking down a railroad track stoned. One stoner says "This is a really long staircase!"

The other stoner says "I don't mind the stairs, it's this low handrail that’s killing me."
++++++++

Did you hear about the stoners who were planning to rob the medical marijuana dispensary?
First they had to case the joint.

~~~~~~~~~~~

Say no to drugs! Then again, if you're talking to drugs, you're probably already on drugs.
Some stoner riddles.

Q: How do you know when you are stoned? A: When you are too phoned to stone home.

Q: Why is the roach clip called a roach clip? A: Because pot holder was taken
Q: What do you call it when a roach ash burns your shirt?  A: A pot hole! 

Q: What is Reality? A: An illusion caused by a lack of good weed.

Q: How many potheads does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Screw it, we got lighters 

Some late-night comedian humor on pot:

“There’s a growing trend of older Americans who are using marijuana in their retirement. That makes sense because old people are always talking about their joints.” –Jimmy Fallon

This is interesting. Researchers have found that people who drive drunk are more dangerous on the road than drivers who are high on marijuana. Don’t get too excited. It’s mostly because the drivers using marijuana are just sitting in the Taco Bell drive-through.” –Jimmy Fallon

“It seems The Journal of Neurology reports that the longer you smoke, the less likely you are to develop Parkinson’s disease. So what are they telling us? Follow me guys. Remember, a couple of months ago, doctors said drinking a glass of alcohol every day was good for your heart. Smoking prevents Parkinson’s disease. Marijuana is good for glaucoma. Sex is good for your prostate. You know, screw health care. Let’s party!” –Jay Leno

“In November, Colorado voted to legalize the recreational use of marijuana. Currently, only Colorado residents can purchase marijuana in the state. But they may open it up to nonresidents too. The new state slogan is ‘Come for the legal marijuana, stay because you forgot to leave.'” –Jimmy Kimmel

++++++++
Two pot dealers are granted probation under the condition that they save as many people from smoking pot as possible within one week by utilizing only a pen and a piece of paper. After one week they are standing in front of the judge again and are asked for their results. The first stands up and says that he has saved 100 people from their habit by drawing a big circle and a small circle on the paper. “How could that affect someone that much that he quits smoking pot?” the judge asks. “Well, I told them the big circle is the size of their brain without drugs and the small one the size of the brain when they get high.” “OK,” the judge replies, “penalty remitted.” He turns to the second and asks him for his outcome. “Well, I did pretty much the same, but I have made 200 people quit drugs by drawing a small circle first and then a big circle.” “And how come that saved more people from their habit?” “I told them the small circle is their asshole BEFORE they are sent to prison!”

Now for a few off-topic jokes

After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe sheet,' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-feet-per-minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF is always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

Finally, a joke from long ago.

– I’m in a big trouble!

– Why is that?

– I saw a mouse in my house!

– Oh, well, all you need to do is use a trap.

– I don’t have one.

– Well then, buy one.

– Can’t afford one.

– I can give you mine if you want.

– That sounds good.

– All you need to do is just use some cheese in order to make the mouse come to the trap.

– I don’t have any cheese.

– Okay then, take a piece of bread and put a bit of oil in it and put it in the trap.

– I don’t have oil.

– Well, then put only a small piece of bread.

– I don’t have bread.

– You have bigger problems than a mouse.

Futuristic JOW #977

Back from vacation – yes, people who do not have jobs still take vacations – and my mind turned to the future.  These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter . . . I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm "here after".  The other day I was delighted when I went into a room and remembered what I came in there for.  Of course, it was the bathroom, but still….

Here are my offerings for the week.

Now that I'm older, here's what I've discovered:

·         It was a whole lot easier to get older, than it was to get wiser.

·         The most precious thing we have is life, yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

·         Every day I beat my previous record of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

·         I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

·         My wild oats are mostly enjoyed with prunes and all-bran.

·         Some days, you're the top dog, some days you're the hydrant.

·         I wish the buck really did stop here; I sure could use a few of them.

·         When I'm finally holding all the right cards, everyone wants to play chess.

·         It is not hard to meet expenses . . . They're everywhere.

·         It is hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

·         The world only beats a path to your door when you're in the shower.

·         Kids in the back seat cause accidents and accidents in the back seat cause kids.

·         If all is not lost, then where the heck is it?

·         The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

·         It is a lot better to be seen than viewed.

·         If life deals you lemons, make lemonade. If life deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys.

·         The only person who checks on me every day is that guy from India who wants to discuss my car warranty.

~~~~~~~

  I’m fat but I identify as skinny.  Does that make me Trans-slender?  And when you think of it, a whale swims all day, only eats fish, and drinks water, but is still fat.  A rabbit runs, and hops, and only lives 5 years, while a tortoise doesn't run, and does mostly nothing, yet it lives for 100 years. And they tell us to exercise?

Some random one line observations:

One of the most awkward things that can happen in a bar is when your beer-to-toilet cycle gets synchronized with a complete stranger.
People are often shocked when they find out I am not a very good electrician.

Before the crowbar was invented did crows have to drink at home?

Some wisdom from Dick

Last night I was on the couch watching a medical show on TV.  I said, “Honey if I am ever depending on a machine and chemicals to keep me alive, just disconnect it all.” She ripped the remote out of my hands and turned off the TV, then she grabbed my beer and poured it down the sink.  The moral of that one is – be careful what you ask for

Here is a good one from Bill:

A man and woman were having marriage problems, and decided to end their union after a very short time together. After a most brief attempt to reconcile, the couple went to court to finalize their break-up. The judge asked the husband, "What has brought you to this point, where you are not able to keep this marriage together?"

The husband said, "In the six weeks we've been together, we haven't been able to agree on one thing."

The wife said, "It’s been seven weeks." 

And finally these definitions of marketing from Mike

1. You're a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed." That's Direct Marketing

2. You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him and, pointing at you, says, "She's fantastic in bed." That's alliance marketing...

3. You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Telemarketing.

4. You see a guy at a party; you straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say, "May I?" and reach up to straighten his tie, brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Public Relations.

5. You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed." That's Brand Recognition.

6. You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He fancies you, but you talk him into going home with your friend. That's a Sales Rep.

7. Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you. That's Tech Support.

8. You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses you're passing, so you climb onto the roof of one situated towards the center and shout at the top of your lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!" That's Junk Mail.

9. You're at a party and you see a handsome guy. Your best friend, who happens to be your ex-boyfriend, starts sharing with him his amazing experiences with you in the bedroom... That’s affiliate marketing....

Back Porch Philosopher JOW #976

I got a really funny joke about Socrates which got me thinking about philosopher jokes.  There are lots of really esoteric jokes on the subject some of which are really quite old.  I went to a liberal arts college where I was exposed to a lot of philosophy; fortunately, I escaped and am now immune.

Here are some jokes for backyard philosophers:

Basic rules for college freshmen:

Don't LOOK at anything in a physics lab.
Don't TASTE anything in a chemistry lab.
Don't SMELL anything in a biology lab.
Don't TOUCH anything in a medical lab.
and, most importantly,
Don't LISTEN to anything in a philosophy department.

This is because philosophy is a route of many roads leading from nowhere to nothing.

The point of philosophy is to start with something so simple as to seem not worth stating, and to end with something so paradoxical that no one will believe it.

*********

The First Law of Philosophy: For every philosopher, there exists an equal and opposite philosopher.

The Second Law of Philosophy: They're both wrong.

A great truth is a truth whose opposite is also a great truth.

===========

What's the difference between a philosopher and an engineer?
About $50,000-75,000 a year.

‘’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’

Remember, the only way to pass an ethics exam is to cheat.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
In ancient Greece, Socrates (469 - 399 BC) was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, wait 'til you hear what I just heard about Diogenes!"
"Wait a moment," Socrates replied, "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. I call it the Triple Filter Test."
Triple filter?" asked the acquaintance.
"That's right," Socrates continued, "Before you talk to me about Diogenes let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"
"No," the man said, "Actually I just heard about it."
"All right," said Socrates, "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about Diogenes something good?"
"No, on the contrary..."
"So," Socrates continued, "You want to tell me something bad about Diogenes that may not be true?"
The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued, "You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter, the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about Diogenes going to be useful to me?"
"Well, I suppose not, not really."
"Then," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me or anyone at all?"
The man walked away, bewildered and ashamed. This is an example of why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.
It also explains why Socrates never found out that Diogenes was banging his wife.

When Plato first met Socrates-

Socrates: "Why don't you ever have a girlfriend?"

Plato: "You ask too many questions."

````````````````````
A philosopher went into a closet for ten years to contemplate the question: ‘what is life?’ When he came out, he went into the street and met an old colleague, who asked him where in heaven's name he had been for all those years.
"In a closet," he replied. "I wanted to know what life really is."
"And have you found an answer?"
"Yes," he replied. "I think it can best be expressed by saying that life is like a bridge."
"That's all well and good," replied the colleague, "but can you be a little more explicit? Can you tell me how life is like a bridge?"
"Oh," replied the philosopher after some thought, "maybe you're right; perhaps life is not like a bridge."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Some philosophical lightbulb jokes

·         How many philosophers does it take to change a light bulb?
"Hmmm... well there's an interesting question isn't it?"
"Define 'light bulb'..."
"How can you be sure it needs changing?"
Three. One to change it and two to stand around arguing over whether or not the light bulb exists.

·         How many Episcopalians does it take to change a light bulb?
Five. One to change the bulb, and four to form a society to preserve the memory of the old light bulb.  Of course, there would be five because wherever you see four Episcopalians there’ll be a fifth closeby.

·         How many archaeologists does it take to change a light bulb?
No amount of them can do it, but for an underground antiquities dealer it only takes 5 minutes.

·         How many Zen masters does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to change it, and one not to change it.

·         How many Marxists does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. The lightbulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.

````````````````````````

Why do Marxists only ever drink horrible tea?

Because all proper tea is theft.

============

The French existentialist Jean-Paul Sartre was sitting in a cafe when a waitress approached him: "Can I get you something to drink, Monsieur Sartre?"
Sartre replied, "Yes, I'd like a cup of coffee with sugar, but no cream".
Nodding agreement, the waitress walked off to fill the order and Sartre returned to working. A few minutes later, however, the waitress returned and said, "I'm sorry, Monsieur Sartre, we are all out of cream -- how about with no milk?"

And finally

A boy was feeling very nervous about his first date, and so went to his father for advice. 

"My son, there are three subjects that always work with women: food, family, and philosophy."

The boy picks up his date and they stare at each other for a long time. The boy's nervousness builds, but he then remembers his father's advice and asks the girl,

"Do you like potato pancakes?"

"No," comes the answer, and the silence returns like a suffocating blanket.

"Do you have a brother?"

"No."

After giving it some thought, the boy plays his last card: "Well, if you had a brother, would he like potato pancakes?"