Stoner JOW #978

Lots of states are now legalizing marijuana.  That got me thinking about stoner jokes.  Most of them are variations on being stupid like the famous Cheech and Chong ‘Dave’s not here’ bit. 

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If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, there would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage.
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The difference between booze and weed?

Five drunk guys will start a fight

Five stoned guys will start a band 

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What is the difference between a drunk and a stoner at a stop sign?  The drunk guy runs it and the stoner waits for it to turn green.
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A stoner called the fire department and said, "Come quick my house is on fire!" 

The Fireman asked "How do we get there?"

The stoner says "Don’t you guys have a big red truck?"

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Two stoners are walking down a railroad track stoned. One stoner says "This is a really long staircase!"

The other stoner says "I don't mind the stairs, it's this low handrail that’s killing me."
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Did you hear about the stoners who were planning to rob the medical marijuana dispensary?
First they had to case the joint.

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Say no to drugs! Then again, if you're talking to drugs, you're probably already on drugs.
Some stoner riddles.

Q: How do you know when you are stoned? A: When you are too phoned to stone home.

Q: Why is the roach clip called a roach clip? A: Because pot holder was taken
Q: What do you call it when a roach ash burns your shirt?  A: A pot hole! 

Q: What is Reality? A: An illusion caused by a lack of good weed.

Q: How many potheads does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Screw it, we got lighters 

Some late-night comedian humor on pot:

“There’s a growing trend of older Americans who are using marijuana in their retirement. That makes sense because old people are always talking about their joints.” –Jimmy Fallon

This is interesting. Researchers have found that people who drive drunk are more dangerous on the road than drivers who are high on marijuana. Don’t get too excited. It’s mostly because the drivers using marijuana are just sitting in the Taco Bell drive-through.” –Jimmy Fallon

“It seems The Journal of Neurology reports that the longer you smoke, the less likely you are to develop Parkinson’s disease. So what are they telling us? Follow me guys. Remember, a couple of months ago, doctors said drinking a glass of alcohol every day was good for your heart. Smoking prevents Parkinson’s disease. Marijuana is good for glaucoma. Sex is good for your prostate. You know, screw health care. Let’s party!” –Jay Leno

“In November, Colorado voted to legalize the recreational use of marijuana. Currently, only Colorado residents can purchase marijuana in the state. But they may open it up to nonresidents too. The new state slogan is ‘Come for the legal marijuana, stay because you forgot to leave.'” –Jimmy Kimmel

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Two pot dealers are granted probation under the condition that they save as many people from smoking pot as possible within one week by utilizing only a pen and a piece of paper. After one week they are standing in front of the judge again and are asked for their results. The first stands up and says that he has saved 100 people from their habit by drawing a big circle and a small circle on the paper. “How could that affect someone that much that he quits smoking pot?” the judge asks. “Well, I told them the big circle is the size of their brain without drugs and the small one the size of the brain when they get high.” “OK,” the judge replies, “penalty remitted.” He turns to the second and asks him for his outcome. “Well, I did pretty much the same, but I have made 200 people quit drugs by drawing a small circle first and then a big circle.” “And how come that saved more people from their habit?” “I told them the small circle is their asshole BEFORE they are sent to prison!”

Now for a few off-topic jokes

After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe sheet,' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-feet-per-minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF is always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

Finally, a joke from long ago.

– I’m in a big trouble!

– Why is that?

– I saw a mouse in my house!

– Oh, well, all you need to do is use a trap.

– I don’t have one.

– Well then, buy one.

– Can’t afford one.

– I can give you mine if you want.

– That sounds good.

– All you need to do is just use some cheese in order to make the mouse come to the trap.

– I don’t have any cheese.

– Okay then, take a piece of bread and put a bit of oil in it and put it in the trap.

– I don’t have oil.

– Well, then put only a small piece of bread.

– I don’t have bread.

– You have bigger problems than a mouse.