Back Porch Philosopher JOW #976

I got a really funny joke about Socrates which got me thinking about philosopher jokes.  There are lots of really esoteric jokes on the subject some of which are really quite old.  I went to a liberal arts college where I was exposed to a lot of philosophy; fortunately, I escaped and am now immune.

Here are some jokes for backyard philosophers:

Basic rules for college freshmen:

Don't LOOK at anything in a physics lab.
Don't TASTE anything in a chemistry lab.
Don't SMELL anything in a biology lab.
Don't TOUCH anything in a medical lab.
and, most importantly,
Don't LISTEN to anything in a philosophy department.

This is because philosophy is a route of many roads leading from nowhere to nothing.

The point of philosophy is to start with something so simple as to seem not worth stating, and to end with something so paradoxical that no one will believe it.

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The First Law of Philosophy: For every philosopher, there exists an equal and opposite philosopher.

The Second Law of Philosophy: They're both wrong.

A great truth is a truth whose opposite is also a great truth.

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What's the difference between a philosopher and an engineer?
About $50,000-75,000 a year.

‘’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’

Remember, the only way to pass an ethics exam is to cheat.

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In ancient Greece, Socrates (469 - 399 BC) was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, wait 'til you hear what I just heard about Diogenes!"
"Wait a moment," Socrates replied, "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. I call it the Triple Filter Test."
Triple filter?" asked the acquaintance.
"That's right," Socrates continued, "Before you talk to me about Diogenes let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"
"No," the man said, "Actually I just heard about it."
"All right," said Socrates, "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about Diogenes something good?"
"No, on the contrary..."
"So," Socrates continued, "You want to tell me something bad about Diogenes that may not be true?"
The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued, "You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter, the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about Diogenes going to be useful to me?"
"Well, I suppose not, not really."
"Then," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me or anyone at all?"
The man walked away, bewildered and ashamed. This is an example of why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.
It also explains why Socrates never found out that Diogenes was banging his wife.

When Plato first met Socrates-

Socrates: "Why don't you ever have a girlfriend?"

Plato: "You ask too many questions."

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A philosopher went into a closet for ten years to contemplate the question: ‘what is life?’ When he came out, he went into the street and met an old colleague, who asked him where in heaven's name he had been for all those years.
"In a closet," he replied. "I wanted to know what life really is."
"And have you found an answer?"
"Yes," he replied. "I think it can best be expressed by saying that life is like a bridge."
"That's all well and good," replied the colleague, "but can you be a little more explicit? Can you tell me how life is like a bridge?"
"Oh," replied the philosopher after some thought, "maybe you're right; perhaps life is not like a bridge."

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Some philosophical lightbulb jokes

·         How many philosophers does it take to change a light bulb?
"Hmmm... well there's an interesting question isn't it?"
"Define 'light bulb'..."
"How can you be sure it needs changing?"
Three. One to change it and two to stand around arguing over whether or not the light bulb exists.

·         How many Episcopalians does it take to change a light bulb?
Five. One to change the bulb, and four to form a society to preserve the memory of the old light bulb.  Of course, there would be five because wherever you see four Episcopalians there’ll be a fifth closeby.

·         How many archaeologists does it take to change a light bulb?
No amount of them can do it, but for an underground antiquities dealer it only takes 5 minutes.

·         How many Zen masters does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to change it, and one not to change it.

·         How many Marxists does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. The lightbulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.

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Why do Marxists only ever drink horrible tea?

Because all proper tea is theft.

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The French existentialist Jean-Paul Sartre was sitting in a cafe when a waitress approached him: "Can I get you something to drink, Monsieur Sartre?"
Sartre replied, "Yes, I'd like a cup of coffee with sugar, but no cream".
Nodding agreement, the waitress walked off to fill the order and Sartre returned to working. A few minutes later, however, the waitress returned and said, "I'm sorry, Monsieur Sartre, we are all out of cream -- how about with no milk?"

And finally

A boy was feeling very nervous about his first date, and so went to his father for advice. 

"My son, there are three subjects that always work with women: food, family, and philosophy."

The boy picks up his date and they stare at each other for a long time. The boy's nervousness builds, but he then remembers his father's advice and asks the girl,

"Do you like potato pancakes?"

"No," comes the answer, and the silence returns like a suffocating blanket.

"Do you have a brother?"

"No."

After giving it some thought, the boy plays his last card: "Well, if you had a brother, would he like potato pancakes?"