Fast cars and JOW #979

The Indianapolis 500 and Coco cola 600 are huge auto races that are run on the Sunday before Memorial Day.  Seeing all those cars go whizzing around the track got me thinking about auto racing - that and a suggestion from Mike.  Here are some old jokes about car racing.  The drivers mentioned are pretty old because I haven’t really kept up with the sport. 

Jimmie Johnson was just sitting in the Drivers Lounge chatting with Dale Earnhardt Jr, drinking his Diet Mountain Dew and minding his own business when all of a sudden Kyle Busch comes in and WHACK!! knocks him off the stool and onto the floor. Busch says, "That was a karate chop from Korea." Jimmie thinks ‘geez, what the hell has gotten into Kyle’ and he gets back up and WHACK!! Kyle knocks him down again, and says, "That was a judo chop from Japan."

Jimmy has had enough of this... He gets up, brushes himself off and quietly leaves. He is gone for about an hour. When he returns, he walks up behind Kyle Busch without saying a word and Wham! Knocks Kyle out cold! Jimmy looks at Dale Earnhardt Jr and says, "When he comes to, tell him that's 'Crowbar from Lowe's'."
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Two race car drivers, Pat and Clay were talking.  Clay complained that he was having no luck with the ladies.  Pat told him to put him a potato in his pants and the ladies will gather round. Clay goes out for three straight nights with no luck.

He's about to leave when he sees Pat and says " I don't understand, I did what you said and now NO WOMEN will come anywhere near me!"

Pat looks at him, points and says "The potato goes in the front "
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Tony Stewart was looking for a present for his girlfriend.  He went to a department store and approaches an attractive salesgirl, "I'd like to buy some gloves for my girlfriend," Tony said, eyeing the salesgirl, "but I don't know her size."

"Will this help?" she asked sweetly, placing her hand in his.

Oh, yes," he answers. "Her hands are just slightly smaller than yours."

"Will there be anything else?" the sales girl queried as she wrapped the gloves.

"Now that you mention it," he replied, "she also needs a bra and panties."
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Kyle Busch and Jeff Gordon are changing clothes in the locker room. Kyle takes off his T-shirt and shorts. He is wearing a bra and a lace garter belt.

"My God," exclaims Jeff, "When did you start wearing women's underwear?"

"Ever since my wife found them in my glove compartment." 

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Bobby and Jeff are bungee-jumping one day. Bobby says to Jeff, "You know, we really suck as racers but I bet we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico." Jeff thinks this is a great idea, so the two pool their money and buy everything they'll need - tower, elastic bungee cord, insurance, etc... They travel to Mexico and begin to set up in the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work. After they have everything ready, they decide to give the crowd a demonstration. Bobby jumps and bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up, the Jeff notices that he has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, Jeff isn't able to catch him, and Bobby falls again, bounces and comes back up again. This time, he is bruised and bleeding. Again, Jeff misses him. Bobby falls again and bounces back up. This time, he comes back pretty messed up - he's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious. Luckily, Jeff finally catches him this time and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?" Bobby says, "No, the cord was fine, but what the hell is a "piñata?"
Some short car-related jokes

·         Most women will tell ya; "If it's got tires or testicles it's gonna be trouble!"
I gave up my seat to a blind person in the bus. That is how I lost my job as a bus driver.

·         Kids in the backseat can cause accidents, but accidents in the backseat cause kids.  Remember - condoms prevent minivans. 

·         My sister bet me I couldn't make a car out of spaghetti. U should have saw her face as I drove pasta.

·         With the rise of self-driving vehicles, it's only a matter of time before we get a country song where a guy's truck leaves him too.

·         What's worse than raining cats and dogs? Hailing Taxis.

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Older model British sports cars had a well-deserved reputation for unreliability.  The electrical systems were particularly poor.  Anyone who has ever had the misfortune to own a British sports car is familiar with Lucas Electronics, also known as ‘The Prince of Darkness’.   Why do the British drink warm beer? Because Lucas Electronics makes their refrigerators.

Here is an international car joke I like

A Texas rancher was visiting a farmer in Israel. The proud Israeli showed him around. "Here is where I grow tomatoes, cucumbers, and squash. Over there I built a play set for my kids, next to the doghouse," the farmer said.

The land was tiny, and the Texan was surprised by its small size. "Is this all your land?" he asked.

"Yes," the Israeli said proudly. "This is all mine!"

"You mean this is it? This is all of it?" the Texan said incredulously.

"Yes, yes, this is really all mine!"

"Well, son," said the Texan, "back home I'd get in my car before the sun'd come up and I'd drive and drive and drive, and when the sun set, why, I'd only be halfway across my land!"

"Oh, yes," replied the Israeli farmer wistfully, "I used to have a car like that."