Futuristic JOW #977

Back from vacation – yes, people who do not have jobs still take vacations – and my mind turned to the future.  These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter . . . I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm "here after".  The other day I was delighted when I went into a room and remembered what I came in there for.  Of course, it was the bathroom, but still….

Here are my offerings for the week.

Now that I'm older, here's what I've discovered:

·         It was a whole lot easier to get older, than it was to get wiser.

·         The most precious thing we have is life, yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

·         Every day I beat my previous record of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

·         I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

·         My wild oats are mostly enjoyed with prunes and all-bran.

·         Some days, you're the top dog, some days you're the hydrant.

·         I wish the buck really did stop here; I sure could use a few of them.

·         When I'm finally holding all the right cards, everyone wants to play chess.

·         It is not hard to meet expenses . . . They're everywhere.

·         It is hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

·         The world only beats a path to your door when you're in the shower.

·         Kids in the back seat cause accidents and accidents in the back seat cause kids.

·         If all is not lost, then where the heck is it?

·         The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

·         It is a lot better to be seen than viewed.

·         If life deals you lemons, make lemonade. If life deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys.

·         The only person who checks on me every day is that guy from India who wants to discuss my car warranty.

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  I’m fat but I identify as skinny.  Does that make me Trans-slender?  And when you think of it, a whale swims all day, only eats fish, and drinks water, but is still fat.  A rabbit runs, and hops, and only lives 5 years, while a tortoise doesn't run, and does mostly nothing, yet it lives for 100 years. And they tell us to exercise?

Some random one line observations:

One of the most awkward things that can happen in a bar is when your beer-to-toilet cycle gets synchronized with a complete stranger.
People are often shocked when they find out I am not a very good electrician.

Before the crowbar was invented did crows have to drink at home?

Some wisdom from Dick

Last night I was on the couch watching a medical show on TV.  I said, “Honey if I am ever depending on a machine and chemicals to keep me alive, just disconnect it all.” She ripped the remote out of my hands and turned off the TV, then she grabbed my beer and poured it down the sink.  The moral of that one is – be careful what you ask for

Here is a good one from Bill:

A man and woman were having marriage problems, and decided to end their union after a very short time together. After a most brief attempt to reconcile, the couple went to court to finalize their break-up. The judge asked the husband, "What has brought you to this point, where you are not able to keep this marriage together?"

The husband said, "In the six weeks we've been together, we haven't been able to agree on one thing."

The wife said, "It’s been seven weeks." 

And finally these definitions of marketing from Mike

1. You're a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed." That's Direct Marketing

2. You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him and, pointing at you, says, "She's fantastic in bed." That's alliance marketing...

3. You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Telemarketing.

4. You see a guy at a party; you straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say, "May I?" and reach up to straighten his tie, brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Public Relations.

5. You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed." That's Brand Recognition.

6. You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He fancies you, but you talk him into going home with your friend. That's a Sales Rep.

7. Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you. That's Tech Support.

8. You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses you're passing, so you climb onto the roof of one situated towards the center and shout at the top of your lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!" That's Junk Mail.

9. You're at a party and you see a handsome guy. Your best friend, who happens to be your ex-boyfriend, starts sharing with him his amazing experiences with you in the bedroom... That’s affiliate marketing....