Rich JOW #981

I am not a rich man, at least in fiscal terms.  That is all right, I always knew that I would never be rich; I prioritized different things.  Perhaps this was a mistake.  Money can’t buy happiness, but as the country song says –it can buy be a boat.  All this musing got me thinking about being rich and that led me to a few jokes about rich men.

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There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him.

An angel heard his plea and appeared to him. "Sorry, but you can't take your wealth with you."

The man begged the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules. The man continued to pray that his wealth could follow him.

The angel reappeared and informed the man that God had decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathered his largest suitcase and filled it with pure gold bars and placed it beside his bed.

Soon afterward, he died and showed up at the gates of heaven lugging his suitcase filled with gold.

An angel greeted him. Seeing the suitcase, the angel said, "Hold on, you can't bring that in here!"

The man explained to the angel that he had permission and asked him to verify his story with God.

Sure enough, the angel checked it out, came back and said, "You're right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm supposed to check its contents before letting it through."

The angel opened the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaimed, "You brought pavement?"

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A poor Jew finds a wallet with $1000 in it. At his shul, he reads a notice stating that a wealthy Jew has lost his wallet and is offering a $100 reward to anyone who returns it. Quickly he locates the owner and gives him the wallet.

The rich man counts the money and says, "I see you have already taken your reward."

The poor Jew responds, "What are you talking about?"

The wealthy Jew continues, "This wallet had $1100 in it when I lost it."

The two men begin arguing, and eventually they come before the saintly, beloved Rabbi Katz.

Both men present their case. The poor man first, then the wealthy man who concludes by saying, "Rabbi Katz, I trust you believe me."

Rabbi Katz says, "Of course." The rich man smiles, and the poor man is devastated. Then Rabbi Katz takes the wallet out of the wealthy man's hands and gives it to the poor man who found it.

"What are you doing?" the rich man yells angrily.

Rabbi Katz responds, "You are, of course, an honest man, and if you say that your missing wallet had $1100 in it, I'm sure it did. But if the man who found this wallet is a liar and a thief, he wouldn't have returned it at all. Which means that this wallet must belong to somebody else. If that man steps forward, he'll get the money. Otherwise, it stays with the man who found it."

"What about my money?" the rich man asks.

"Well, we'll just have to wait until somebody finds a wallet with $1100 in it!"

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Doug Pender lived all his life in the Florida Keys. He is on his deathbed and knows the end is near.

His nurse, his wife, his daughter and two sons, are with him….He asks for two witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes, and when all is ready he begins to speak:

 “My son, Bernie, I want you to take the Ocean Reef houses.”

“My daughter Sybil, you take the apartments between mile markers 100 and Tavernier.”

“My son, Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the Marathon Government Center.”

“Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the bayside on Blackwater Sound.”

The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings.

As Doug slips away, the nurse says, “Mrs. Pender, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property.” 

The wife replies, “The idiot had a paper route.”

And changing subjects:

·         Dogs can’t operate MRI scanners but catscan.

·         You can tell monopoly is an old game because there is a luxury tax and rich people can go to jail

·         I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.

·         Turning vegan would be a big missed steak

·         Well, to be Frank I’d have to change my name.

And finally

At a Sunday worship service, a pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for an answered prayer. Suzie stood and walked to the podium.  She said, "I have some praise. Two months ago, my husband, Frank, had a terrible bicycle accident and his scrotum was completely crushed.  The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Frank must have experienced.

"Frank was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain.  We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Frank's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place with metal staples."  

Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Frank.

"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Frank is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Frank." The entire congregation held its breath.

"I just want to tell my wife that the word is "sternum"."