Beery JOW #982

I used to drink beer pretty often, but these days it is mostly just wine with my dinner.  However, it is summer, and on a hot afternoon I will have a cold beer.  Sometimes, when I reflect on all the beer I have drunk in my life, I feel ashamed.  Then I look into a glass of beer and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I did not drink beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. I think, it is better to drink beer and let their dreams come true, than be selfish and worry about my liver.  So I drink beer.  Not ale.  And I don't put oranges in my beer often, except maybe once in a Blue Moon.   

As Dave Berry put it:

"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer.  Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention.  But the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.”  Or in another quote - “In the Bowling Alley of Tomorrow, there will even be machines that wear rental shoes and throw the ball for you. Your sole function will be to drink beer.”  Seems fair.

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There was a big conference of beer producers. At lunch the presidents of all beer companies decide to have a drink in a bar.
The president of Budweiser orders a Bud, the president of 'Miller' orders a Miller Lite, Adolph Coors orders a Coors, and the list goes on. Then the waitress asks Arthur Guinness what he wants to drink, and much to everybody's amazement, Mr. Guinness orders iced tea.
"Why don't you order a Guinness?" his colleagues ask.
"Naah. If you guys aren’t drinking beer, then neither will I."

A few thoughts about beer.

·         Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.

·         Why do they never serve beer at a math party? - Because you can’t drink and derive.

·         Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 3000 B.C.

·         Remember ‘I’ before ‘E,’ except in Budweiser.

·         24 hours in a day and 24 beers in a case.   Coincidence?  I think not!

·         To some it is a six-pack. To me, it is a Support Group.  Salvation in a can.”

·         Beer is my worst enemy, but the bible says to love your enemy. 

·         It only takes one beer to get me buzzed. I am not sure if it is the seventh or eighth one.

·         A bee goes into a bar, it comes out 2 hours later buzzing.

Q: What is the difference between beer and piss?

A: About half an hour.

Q: What is the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?

A: Well beer nuts are 49 cents but deer nuts are just under a buck. (If you don’t understand the genders of deer you won’t understand it.)

Q: What did the bartender say after Charles Dickens ordered a martini?

A: "Olive or twist?"
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“The hard part about being a bartender is figuring out who is drunk and who is just stupid.”

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A soccer ball walks into a bar. The bartender kicked him out. 

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A midget staggers into a bar and asks for a beer, the bartender says no. The midget asks why, the bartender says “You’re a little drunk”
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A young liberated woman walks into a bar completely naked. She stands in front of the bartender and says "Serve me a cold beer!"

The bartender stares at her, not moving.

"What wrong?" she says "Haven’t you ever seen a naked woman?"

"Yes, many times!" the bartender replies

“Then what ae you staring at me for?” the woman asks.

"I want to see where you're going to get the money from to pay for beer!"
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One night at Cheers, a TV Sitcom,   Cliff Clavin said to his buddy, Norm Peterson: "Well, ya see, Normmy, it's like this.. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo.  And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.  This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.  In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells.  Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells.  But, naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.  In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.  That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers!”

 And finally, from Bill:

Off San Diego a U.S. Navy destroyer stopped four Mexicans in a rowboat heading toward the coast of California.   

The Captain got on the loudspeaker and shouted, "Ahoy, small craft. Where are you headed?"

 One of the Mexicans put down his oar, stood up and shouted, "We're invading California to reclaim the territory taken by the U.S. in 1846."

 The crew of the destroyer doubled over in laughter.

 When the Captain finally caught his breath he got back on the loudspeaker and asked, "Just the four of you?"

 The same Mexican stood up again and shouted, "No - the other 12.3 million are already there."

The crew of the destroyer stopped laughing.