Aged like a fine JOW #980

There are a few reliable sources of jokes for me even after almost 20 years of doing this - subjects like dogs, the battle of the sexes, kids, and old people.  For some reason, I find more in common with old people jokes than I used to.   I hope you enjoy these.

Some people take aging really well.

·         One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.  Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.   

·         If things get better with age I must be getting pretty awesome by now.

·         I don’t have gray hair; I have "wisdom highlights"! I’m just very wise.

·         Age gets better with wine.

·         I take a glass of wine in the evening for my health.  The others glasses are for witty comebacks and flawless dance moves.

·         Some people exercise regularly so they can look better naked. But wine does that, too. 

Others not so much. 

·         When I was a kid I wanted to be older.  This shit is not what I expected.

·         Old age is coming for me at a really bad time.

·         Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.

·         I didn’t make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row.

·         I decided to stop calling the bathroom the “John” and renamed it the “Jim”. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.

·         When I was a child I thought “Nap Time” was a punishment. Now, as a grownup, it feels like a small vacation.

·         Sometimes I laugh so hard tears run down my leg.

·         The biggest lie I tell myself is, ”I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."

·         At my age “Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.  Well, unless it’s the bathroom.

·         Mirror, mirror on the wall.  What the hell happened?

·         Wouldn’t it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer and come out wrinkle free and two so sizes smaller?

~~~~~~~~~~   

First you forget names, then you forget faces.
Then you forget to pull up your zipper...
but it's worse when you forget to pull it down.   

--------------------

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office.
"Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"

"'Yes, I'm afraid so,"' the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'."  

+++++++++++++++++

Two guys, one old, one young, are pushing their carts around Walmart when they collide.   The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."  
The young guy says, "That's OK, it's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little worried."
The old guy says, "Well, maybe I can help you find her. What does she look like?"
The young guy says, "Well, she is 27 years old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, is buxom, and is wearing short shorts.  What does your wife look like?'
To which the old guy says, “Doesn't matter; let's look for yours."

A few more modern bits:

If "The Breakfast Club" was made today, it would be a silent film about five kids staring at their phone.

~~~~~~~~~~

I think we need road signs that warn about head down phone zombies.

----

A duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said... don't do it man ... you will never here the end of it..

_______

It bothers me that someone may steal my identity and use it to make thousands of dollars behind my back. It mostly bothers me because I currently have my identity and can't figure out how to do that myself.

============

Dick sent me an old Jay Leno joke, “A study recently revealed that the group of immigrants that acclimates fastest to life in America is the Chinese.  That is amazing because most Chinese people don’t know a word of Spanish when they get here.”

Some one line observations

·         Life is short.  If you can’t laugh at yourself, call me.  I will.

·         Electricians have to strip to make ends meet.

·         Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.

·         Crushing soda cans is soda pressing.

·         We are looking for new salad puns.  Lettuce know.

·         Irony.  The opposite of wrinkly.

·         If you get lost in the woods, try talking about politics.  Someone will show up to argue with you.

·         When a married man says, I WILL THINK ABOUT IT - what he really means is that he doesn't know his wife's opinion yet. 

And let me end this with an Aggie Joke

An Aggie is on a bus sitting next to a fully endowed lady breast feeding her baby.  “Lady”, the Aggie asked, “how did your baby get so big and healthy?” 

“I don’t know”, she replied, “all I feed him is milk and orange juice.” 

A little above his level, the confused Aggie asked “Well, lady, which one is the orange juice?”