Oi - Such a JOW #983

I love Jewish humor.  There is quite a lot of it – it is estimated that in the 1970’s three fourths of all stand up comedians were Jewish.  Stand up comedy has diminished since then but they left behind a lot of funny one-liners that, even if they are showing their age, are still funny.

Here are a few one-liners from the golden age of Jewish stand up comedians:

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I just got back from a pleasure trip.

I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years!

If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!

Someone stole all my credit cards but I won't be reporting it.

The thief spends less than my wife did.

My wife and I always hold hands.  If I let go, she shops.

My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night; only this time I stayed in the bathroom and cried.

My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed.

My wife called it the Dead Sea.

My wife was at the beauty shop for two hours.  That was only for the estimate.

She got a mudpack and looked great for two days.  Then the mud fell off.

The Doctor gave a man six months to live.

The man couldn't pay his bill so the doctor gave him another six months.

The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back.”
Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!"

Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears."
Doctor: "Don't answer!"

Doctor: "You'll live to be 70!"

Patient: "I am 70!"

Doctor: "See! What did I tell you?"

A drunk was in front of a judge.

The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking."
The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."

Why do Jewish divorces cost so much?
They're worth it.

There are a lot of recurring themes in Jewish humor.  Like the tendency for hypochondria

A Frenchman, a German and a Jew walk into a bar.

"I'm tired and thirsty," says the Frenchman. "I must have wine."

I'm tired and thirsty," says the German. "I must have beer."

"I'm tired and thirsty," says the Jew. "I must have diabetes."

And Jewish mothers have a whole raft of great jokes

The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that this is due to the fact that Won Ton spelled backward is Not Now.

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There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins.
In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it graduates from medical school.

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Q: Why don't Jewish mothers drink?
A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.

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Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
A: They never let anyone finish a sentence!

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What did the waiter ask the group of dining Jewish mothers? "Pardon me ladies, but is ANYTHING all right?"

‘’’’’’’’’’’’’’’

A boy comes home from school and tells his mother he got a part in the school play.

"That's wonderful!" says the mother, "Which part?"
"The part of a Jewish husband," says the boy, proudly.
Frowning, the mother says, "Go back and tell them you want a speaking role!"

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Sarah, how's that boy of yours?"

"David? Ach, don't ask – he's living in Miami with a man named Miguel."
"That's terrible!"
"I know – why couldn't he find a nice Jewish boy?

Overthinking leads to some pretty good jokes.

Once in a village a young housewife dropped a piece of buttered bread.  To her astonishment it fell with the butter side up!  Now as everyone knows, whenever a buttered piece of bread is dropped on the floor, it always falls buttered side down; this is like a law of physics. But on this occasion it had fallen buttered side up, and this was a great mystery which had to be solved. So all the Rabbis and elders and wise men were summoned together and they spent three days in the synagogue fasting and praying and debating this marvelous event among themselves. After those three days they returned to the young housewife with this answer:
"Madam, the problem is that you have buttered the wrong side of the bread."

Jewish humor can also have a dark edge

During the days of oppression and poverty of the Russian pogroms one village had a rumor going around: a Christian girl was found murdered near their village. Fearing a pogrom, they gathered at the synagogue. Suddenly, the rabbi came running up, and cried, "Wonderful news! The murdered girl was Jewish!"

Here is an old New York joke

An old Jewish beggar was out on the street in New York City with his tin cup.

"Please, sir," he pleaded to a passerby, "could you spare two dollars and seventy-three cents for a cup of coffee and some pie?"
The man asked, "Where do you get coffee and pie for two dollars and seventy-three cents in New York? It would cost at least a five dollars!"
The beggar shrugged and replied, "So who buys retail?"

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The rate of Jewish intermarriage is a serious problem. Scientists estimate that unless something can be done to stop intermarriage, in 100 years, the Jewish people will be reduced to a race of gorgeous blondes.

Okay, enough with the Jewish humor, here are three more to wrap thing up.

My marriage must be back on solid ground.  My wife just bought me a vacation to the Dominican Republic and a million dollar life insurance policy.

>>>>>>>>>>> 

A hippopotamus can outswim and out run a human being.  So I have to take him during the biking leg of a triathlon. 

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Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged. A student nurse found one elderly gentleman--already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet--who insisted he didn't need any help to leave the hospital. After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let her wheel him to the elevator.  On the way down she asked him if his wife was meeting him.

"I don't know," he said.  "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."