Good grub JOW #986

My jokes this week start with food and cooking.  I'm a competent cook but I need the smoke detector that shuts off when you yell "I'm just cooking."  Why does cooking takes like six hours and eating take like three seconds and washing dishes take like seven days and seven nights?

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John was starving!! He was stuck in a small hick town, lost and hungry. He was happy when he saw a small restaurant coming up on his right. John quickly pulled over, parked his car, and walked inside. John noticed a blackboard with a sign written in yellow chalk, “Today’s Special: Vegetable Soup with Fried Chicken and Grilled Vegetables.”

“I’ll take the special”, said John to the waiter when he came to take his order. A few minutes after receiving his order John called over the waiter, he was fuming mad. “IS THIS THE SPECIAL!? It says vegetable soup, BUT THERE ARE NO VEGETABLES! It says grilled vegetables, BUT THEY AREN’T GRILLED THEY ARE BAKED!?  And it says fried chicken, AND THE CHICKEN ISN’T FRIED!?

“My dear man,” said the waiter looking down at John over his glasses, “that is what makes it so special!!!”
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Did you hear about the Italian chef that died? He pasta way. We cannoli do so much. His legacy will become a pizza history. 

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·         The trouble with eating Italian food is that five or six days later, you're hungry again.

·         And then there is German Chinese food.  An hour after you eat you are hungry for power.

·         Rice is great if you're hungry and want a thousand of something

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A common chef’s error is to think they must always add salt to a sauce before boiling it down. This is the fallacy of reductive seasoning.

Two cooking riddles.

Q: Who was the best young cook in history?
A: Julia’s Child.

Q: What's the difference between a chef and a beggar?

A: Whether there's a space between "pan" and "handler".

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I asked a chef if he ever served a steak almost raw. He said yeah but it’s rare.

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A chef made my soup in a rush and it didn’t taste quite right.  I asked him "Isn’t this soup missing some of the spices?"

He said "Sorry, I didn't have the thyme".

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A German walks into a bar and orders a martini.

“Dry” asked the bartender.

“No,” replied, “just one.’

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A Texan, a Russian and a New Yorker go to a restaurant in London.

The waiter tells them, "Excuse me -- if you were going to order the steak, I'm afraid there's a shortage due to the mad cow disease."

The Texan says, "What's a shortage?"

The Russian says, "What's a steak?"

The New Yorker says, "What's 'excuse me'?"

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What do you get when you divide the circumference of your jack-o-lantern by its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi!

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There once was a snail named Sam who lived in a forest which had an interesting reputation; all the forest creatures would design elaborate vehicles and then race against each other every month. The snail loved to watch the races, and dreamed of participating one day.

However, everyone told the snail there was no way someone as slow as him would ever race. But, he was determined! For months, he worked and worked on building the perfect vehicle. When he was done, he painted a big “S” on the side for his name, Sam.

The day of the race finally arrived, and Sam slowly pushed his vehicle up to the starting line with all the other forest critters. Everyone was laughing so hard at him, saying there was no way he could compete with the others. Determined, Sam got in his vehicle and waited for the start.

A bird flying overhead called out the countdown. “Three… Two… One! GO!”

Zoom! In a cloud of smoke, Sam had burst ahead and was already yards in front of everyone else. All the other forest critters gaped in astonishment, until a hare who had lost a previous race to a turtle yelled out, “Wow! Look at that ‘S’ car go!”

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> 

The house owner opened the door.

“I want a place to stay,” said an ant.

“I have a vacant room which you can occupy for free” said the owner.

Thankful, the ant went inside and occupied the vacant room.

After some days, the ant brought in another ant and requested the owner, “Can you please allow this fellow ant to stay with me?”

“Oh sure, you can do so without paying any rent,” said the owner.

After some days the ant brought a third ant and requested the owner to allow it to stay with them.

The owner agreed to it without asking for any rent.

This went on as the ant brought in more and more ants and the owner agreed to let them stay without any rent.

One fine day, the ant brought in the tenth ant and requested the owner to allow it to stay with them all.

The owner said, “OK, you can all stay here but now you all need to pay rent…

You are now ten ants”.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> 

A philosopher, a mathematician, and a physicist were at Starbucks.

The mathematician turns to the physicist sitting next to him and says “You know, physics is just applied mathematics!”

They all have a good laugh, at which point the philosopher interjects from across the table. “And mathematics is just applied philosophy!”

The laughter roars even louder, and then the physicist turns to the philosopher.

“Shut up and get me another cup of coffee.”

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A doper drifts over to a policeman and his dog.

Doper: “Sweet dog you got there”

 Policeman: “Yes, this is our new drug-sniffing dog.”

 Doper: “Still in training, huh?”

 Policeman: “What do you mean?”

 Doper: “Never mind”