Out of this world JOW #987

Last week saw a lot of retrospectives on the Apollo 11 Moon landing.  I distinctly remember watching the grainy images late at night in the common room of Delta Complex at Florida Presbyterian College.  It is astonishing that they made it to the moon with computers having about the computing power of a Speak and Spell toy.  What is also astonishing, and disheartening, is that we haven’t put a human beyond low earth orbit since 1972.  I was certain we would be colonizing Mars by 2019.  Anyway, here are a few out of this world jokes

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The crew of Apollo 8 spent their Christmas Day in orbit. To thank them for their sacrifice for the betterment of humanity, mission control included three miniature bottles of brandy with their dinners. This led to things getting a bit bawdy in space. One ground controller’s son inquired about who was actually driving the capsule if they were all drinking. Astronaut Anders said "I think Isaac Newton is doing most of the driving now." 

A reply to a letter sent to NASA

Dear Mr. Jones

Thank you for your interest in our work.  Unfortunately though, we have no interest in your attached sketch entitled “A Breakthrough in Awesome Rockets.”  We have long been aware of the science behind the reaction that occurs between Coke and Mentos, so believe us when we say that there is no practical use for it in our work – even if we did use “a shitload of Coke” as you so eloquently put it.

Regarding your application, if it can be called that, to become a ‘spaceman’, we regret to inform you that we’re not looking for anyone at the present time.  Besides, it takes years of hard training to become an astronaut and is not, as you suggest, “something so simple a chimp has done it.”  To learn more, we suggest you read up on your so-called idol Buzz Aldrin, who we assume you were referring to when you wrote ‘Buzz Lightyear.’

Do to security concerns we were not able to return the mints you glued to your original letter.

Sincerely,

Steven Malkovich

Associate Administrator.

Cool Facts about the Sun

·         The Sun weighs about one solar mass. You could fit approximately 1 Sun inside it.

·         Light takes thousands of years to travel from the core of the Sun to the surface. This is because solar law requires exiting photons to form a queue.

·         The Sun got a solid B average in star school, so it’s brighter than ~85% of stars.

·         The Sun’s LinkedIn profile says its career is “proton marriage counselor.”

·         Sunspots are the Sun giving itself skin cancer.

·         The Sun sometimes sends out special messages in its neutrinos, but nobody ever detects enough to find them. 

·         Mercury moves the fastest of all the planets because the Sun is constantly trying to murder it.

·         If you were to take the Sun and crush it to the size of the earth, you’d be the strongest person alive. 

Scientists have found that the center of Jupiter contains the letter “i”.

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The density of Saturn is so low that the whole planet would float on the water in your bath? However, you wouldn’t want to try this experiment at home as it would leave a massive ring around the tub.

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Scientists have recently discovered a planet that has no crime, no war, and no poverty.  It also has no atmosphere and no life.

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Copernicus’ parents might deserve some of the credit for his great discovery. Apparently at the age of twelve they said to him: “Copernicus, young man, when are you going to realize that the world does NOT revolve around you?”

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Astronomers have recently been able to determine that Kanye West is in fact not the center of the universe.

Okay some other science jokes

Science tip:  You can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by noticing whether the animal sees you later or after a while.

“A Higgs boson goes into a church and the priest says, ‘We don’t allow Higgs bosons here.’ And the Higgs boson says, ‘But without me there is no mass.'”

“A photon walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, ‘Do you want a double?’ And the photon says, ‘No I’m traveling light.'”

An infectious bacteria walks into a bar. The bartender says "we don't serve infectious bacteria here." The infectious bacteria says "well you're not a very good host."

If you boil a funny bone it becomes a laughing stock, which I find humerous.

What do you call a camel with no hump?  Humphrey.

Dejamoo: the feeling that you’ve heard this bull before

New warning labels in California:

“Notice: This product consists of 99.9999999999% empty space." 

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"Important notice to purchasers: The entire physical universe, including this product, may one day collapse back into an infinitesimally small space. Should another universe subsequently re-emerge, the existence of this product in that universe cannot be guaranteed." 

Other miscellaneous jokes

·         Never teach a wolf to meditate.  It will become an aware wolf

·         Einstein developed a theory about space, and it was about time too!

·         I’m reading a book about anti-gravity… it’s impossible to put down!

Finally, three from Dick

Doctor: Don’t worry, Dave, this is a simple operation.
Patient:  But Doc, my name’s not Dave!
Doctor: I know, it’s mine.

Fred: I heard that somebody stole your antidepressants.
Ed:  Yes, and I hope he’s happy.

Your girlfriend told me you never buy her flowers.
I didn’t even know she sold them.