Independence JOW #985

This is ridiculous.  Don’t people know the Fourth is over? It is July 11th are still celebrating the 4th of July by setting off fireworks.  One of them nearly set fire to my Christmas decorations.  Actually, there is a 4^th of July in Canada, too.  It comes right between July 3 & 5.  A better name for the holiday is Independence Day - the day that Americans proudly wave their American flags and watch fireworks - both made in China.  And, being modern Americans we also celebrate by eating way too much unhealthy food.  Well, like many of my JOW’s it reflects what has been, not what is going on right now.  Here are some more or less Independence Day themed jokes.

Here are a few Fourth of July riddles

How come there's no ‘Knock Knock’ joke about America?

Because freedom rings.

What does the Statue of Liberty stand for?

Because she can't sit down.

How is a healthy person like the United States?

They both have good constitutions.

What do you get if you cross a patriot with a small curly-haired dog?

Yankee Poodle.

What did George Washington say to his men before they crossed the Delaware?
“Get in the boat, men!”

What was the patriots’ favorite food in the Revolutionary War?
Chicken Catch-a-Tory!

Here is Bill’s grandson’s favorite joke

What do volcanoes eat for lunch?

Ash potatoes

A random Tom Swift joke that seems approprate

“Don’t light those fireworks!” Tom exploded.

Two unassociated observations

Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.

If women are upset at the use of naughty words, who in the hell bought 80 million copies of ‘Fifty Shades of Gray?’

A few rare political jokes from me

SOCIALISM: An idea that is so good that it has to be mandatory. A socialist walks into a bar and yells... "Free drinks for everyone!" looks around and says "Who's buying?"

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What is the difference between an Illegal immigrant and E.T.? E.T. learned to speak English and went home.

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Many years ago, Rabbi Mordecai Kaplan said the following:

“Beware of people who combine massive intellectual ignorance with brilliant powers of salesmanship.”

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There is a new gun being marketed.  It is called the Congressman.  It doesn’t do anything and you can’t fire it.

Here are some non-political jokes

A woman quietly confided to her best friend that she was having an affair.

Her friend asked, "Are you having it catered?"  

And that, my friend, is the sad definition of "OLD".

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Siamese twins walk into a bar in Toronto and park themselves on a two bar stools.

One of them says to the bartender,

"Don't mind us; as you can see, we're joined side by side at the hip.  I’m John, he's Jim.  Two Molson Canadian draft beers please." 

 The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers.

"Been on holiday yet, boys"?

 "Off to England next month," says John. "We go to England every year, rent a car and drive for miles. Don't we, Jim?"

 Jim agrees.

 "Ah, England!" says the bartender. "Wonderful country... the history, the beer, the culture ..."

 "Nah, we don't like that British crap," says John.

"Hamburgers and Molson's beer, that's us, eh Jim?

And we can't stand the English - they're so arrogant and rude." 

 Bartender asks:  “Then why keep going to England?”

 "It's the only chance Jim gets to drive."

And a final joke from Bill

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.    This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 40 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

 Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state.

During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go.  It was unlikely that, at his age, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were in dire straits.

 Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than forty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million.

She explained that for more than four decades she had 'charged' him for sex, she had taken the money and invested it wisely.

Her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted

out, 'If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business.”

 That's when she shot him.