Squirrel-ly JOW #988

My jokes started with a bit about churches getting rid of squirrels.  That led me into a couple of Virgin Mary jokes which let to parents in general.  I also threw in a nun joke and one off-topic joke to wrap things up.  This is the way my mind relates all the odd little things running around inside my brain.  Sometimes it gets pretty strange in there. I live in my own little world.  But it’s okay.  They know me there.

Here are my jokes for this week; note that in twelve short weeks I will reach JOW #1000.  This will be a monument to sustained mediocrity.

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Squirrels became a problem in a small town, infesting all the houses of worship.

The local Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels.  After much prayer and discussion they concluded that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn’t interfere with God’s divine will.

At the Baptist church the squirrels took an interest in the baptistery.  The deacons met and decide to put a water slide on the baptistery and let the squirrels drown themselves.  Unfortunately, the squirrels knew how to swim and liked the slide so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.

The Episcopalians decided they did not want to harm any of God’s creatures so they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free – right next to the Baptist church.  This worked well for two weeks until the Baptists took down the water slide and the squirrels came right back.

The Methodist church set out pans of whiskey around the places were the squirrels were getting in in an effort to kill the squirrels with alcohol.  They sadly learned how much damage a pack of drunken squirrels can do.

The Catholic church had a more effective measure. They captured the squirrels, baptized them, and made them members of the congregation.  Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.

The Jewish synagogue did not have any problem with the squirrels.  They took the first squirrel they found and circumcised him. They haven’t seen a squirrel since.

Some ‘Mary jokes’

On a cold winter’s day Mary looked out at the precipitation.  Not wanting to expose baby Jesus to the elements she turned to Joseph and asked “Pray tell me if that is sleet, husband.”

Joseph looked out the window and said, (for the very first time) “Hail, Mary.”

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We all remember the scene in the Gospels.  A woman caught in adultery was about to be stoned when Jesus stepped in with the words, “He who is without sin cast the first stone.”

There was a pause and the crowd began to filter away when, suddenly, a stone arced out of the crowd toward the woman.

Jesus looked exasperated and called out, “Not including you Mom.”

(You kinda need to understand Catholic dogma to get those jokes.)

Which leads to Things my Parents taught me

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.

 "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.

"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My father taught me about TIME TRAVEL.

 "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My father taught me LOGIC.

 "Because I said so, that's why ."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC .

 "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.

 "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My father taught me IRONY.

 "Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.

 "Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.

 "Just you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.

 "You'll sit there until all that okra is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.

 "This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.

 "If I told you once, I've told you a million times, don't exaggerate!"

13. My father taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.

 "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out..."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION .

 "Stop acting like your father!"

  

15. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.

 "Just wait until we get home."

16 . My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.

 "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."

17. My mother taught me ESP.

 "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

18. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.

 "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

19. My mother taught me GENETICS.

 "You're just like your father."

20. My mother taught me WISDOM.

 "When you get to be my age, you'll understand.

21. My father taught me about JUSTICE .

 "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

++++++++++

A couple of nuns who were nursing sisters had gone out to the country to minister to an outpatient. On the way back they were a few miles from home when they ran out of gas. They were standing beside their car on the shoulder when a truck approached.
Seeing ladies of the cloth in distress, the driver stopped to offer his help. The nuns explained they needed some gas. The driver of the truck said he would gladly drain some from his tank but he didn’t have a bucket or can.
One of the nuns dug out a clean bedpan and asked the driver if he could use it. He said yes and proceeded to drain a couple of quarts of gas into the pan. He waved goodbye to the nuns and left. The nuns were carefully pouring the precious fluid into their gas tank when the highway patrol came by.
The trooper stopped and watched for a minute, then he said: "Sisters, I don’t think it will work, but you sure have faith!"

And finally

Me: “It is not how often you fall but how often you get back up.”

Cop: “That is not how field sobriety tests work.”