The Wright Stuff JOW #993

I borrow relentlessly for my weekly jokes.  Since there is no money involved, no problem.  That does not mean you don’t have to send me money, just don’t say it is for the Jokes of the Week.  Unless of course you want to get me in trouble.

Dick turned me on the work of Steven Wright - he's the famous erudite (comic) scientist who once said: "I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates."  His mind works differently than the rest of us.  Here are some of his gems:

1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.

3 - Half the people you know are below average.

4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.

9 - All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.

12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?

13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.

19 - I intend to live forever ... So far, so good.

20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.

34 - If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

35 - Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

36 - There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

37 - You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

38 - Right now I am having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time...  I think I’ve forgotten this before.

Scenes from a divorce court.

“Your honor, every night my wife is out until way after midnight, just going from bar to bar.”

The judge asks, “Why was she doing that”

“Well, mostly she was looking for me.”

Which reminded me of a bar joke

As the waitress entered the bar, the bartender demanded, "Why are you late?"
The waitress explained, "It was terrible. I was crossing the road, when I witnessed a dreadful accident. A guy was hit by a speeding car and he was lying there on the street. He was a bloody mess. Thank God I had taken that first-aid course."
The bartender asked, "How did you handle it?"
She replied, "I sat on the ground and put my head between my knees so I wouldn’t faint!"

More random thoughts

·         Sobriety tests are getting ridiculous.  Last night I had to fold a fitted sheet.

·         You never appreciate what you have until it’s gone.  Toilet paper is a good example

·         My wife said she needs to embrace your mistakes.  Then she gave me a hug

·         You learn things as you get older.  For example I learned that apparently you can get hurt while sleeping.

And finally

An air traffic control tower suddenly lost communication with a small twin engine aircraft.

 A moment later the tower land line rang and was answered by one of the employees. The passenger riding with the pilot who lost communications was on a cell phone!

 He yelled, "Mayday, mayday! The pilot had an instant and fatal heart attack! I grabbed his cell phone out of his pocket and he had told me before we took off he had the tower on his speed dial memory.

 I am flying upside down at 18,000 feet and traveling at 180 mph!

 The employee in the tower immediately put him on speaker phone: "Calm down, we acknowledge you and we'll guide you down after a few questions. The first thing is not to panic. Remain calm."

 He began his series of questions:

 Tower: "How do you know you are traveling at 18,000 feet?"

 Aircraft: "I can see that it reads 18,000 feet on the altimeter dial in front of me."

 Tower: "Okay,   that’s good, remain calm. How do you know you're traveling at 180 mph?"

 Aircraft:  "I can see that it reads 180 mph on the airspeed dial in front of me!"

 Tower: "Okay, this is great so far, but it’s heavily overcast. So how do you know you’re flying upside down?"

Aircraft:  “The pee is running out of my shirt collar!"