Are you Sirius JOW #990

Ah, the Dog Days of summer, so named because they happen when Sirius, the Dog Star is at its closest point.  Here in East Texas that dog has big teeth too, because it is HOT.  Why we got over a foot of sunshine just yesterday.  Every year I celebrate the Dog Days by featuring dogs in my Jokes of the Week.

First, a joke better said than read

Me: What kind of a dog did you get?

Friend: Husky

Me: (In a lower, raspy voice) what kind of a dog did you get?

<<<<<<<<<< 

A woman was bragging to her friend about her dog, “Our dog is so smart! He brings in the daily newspapers every morning.”

Her friend replied, “That’s not that special. Many dogs do that.”

“But we aren’t subscribed to any newspapers!”

>>>>>>>>>>> 

I man walks into an animal hospital with his Bulldog and says “My dog is cross-eyed, can you fix it?”

The vet replies, “Let’s have a look at what’s wrong.” The vet picks the dog up while examining his eyes. After thoroughly inspecting the dog for a few minutes, he says, “I’m going to have to put him down.”

“What?! You’re going to put him down because he’s cross-eyed?”

“No, because he is really, really heavy.”

Dog riddles

Q: Why do you need a license for a dog and not for a cat?
A:  Cats can’t drive!

Q: Why do dogs make terrible dance partners?
A: They’ve got two left feet!

Q: What do a dog and a cell phone have in common? 

A: Collar ID

Q: Where does a dog go after it loses its tail?

A: The retail store

++++++++++++

Walking past a veterinary clinic, a woman noticed a small boy and his dog waiting outside. ‘Are you here to see Dr. Meyer?’ she asked.

‘Yes,’ the boy said. ‘I’m having my dog put in neutral.’

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A woman walks into a psychoanalyst’s office and says, “Doctor, my husband thinks he’s a dog! I don’t know what to do! Please help.”

The doctor replies, “Okay, have him get on the couch.”

The woman quickly snapped back, “Wait, no, he’s not allowed on the couch!”

Some dog breed ‘changing a light bulb’ jokes

Afghan
Light bulb? What light bulb?

Australian Shepherd
First put all the bulbs in a little circle ...

Border Collie
Just one.  And I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.

Cocker Spaniel
Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.

Dachshund
I can't reach the stupid lamp!

Doberman Pinscher
While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the couch.

Greyhound
It isn't moving. Who cares?

Golden Retriever
The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're worrying about a stupid burned-out light bulb

Labrador
Oh, me, me!!!! Pleeeeease let me change the light bulb!!! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Can I?

Pointer
I see it! There it is! Right there!

Toy Poodle
I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

If dogs could send letters to God

Dear God, I have some questions:  

·         Why do humans smell flowers but seldom if ever smell each other?

·         If a dog barks his head off in a forest and no human hears him is he still a Bad Dog?

·         Why are there cars named after jaguars, cougars, mustangs, and rabbits, but no dogs?  All we got was a big old bus.

·         When I get to heaven can we sit on the couch or will it be the same old story? 

·         And are there mailmen in heaven?  If so, will I have to apologize? 

·         And can I have my testicles back?

Notes to the dogs

·         The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

·         I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort.

·         Dogs can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

·         For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. I must exit through the same door I entered.

·         Also, I have been using the bathroom for years--canine attendance is not mandatory.

A final dog joke

As a butcher is shooing away a dog from his shop, he sees a $10 bill and a note in his mouth, reading: “5 lamb chops, please.” Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog’s mouth, and quickly closes the shop.

He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus-stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus. The butcher follows, dumbstruck.

As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery. After a while he stands on his back paws to push the “stop” bell, then the butcher follows him off. The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the step. He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door. He does this again and again. No answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door. A big guy opens it and starts cursing and shouting at the dog.

The butcher runs up and screams at the guy: “What the hell are you doing? This dog’s a genius!”

The owner responds, “Genius, my ass… It’s the second time this week he’s forgotten his keys!”