My theme this week is golf. I no longer play the accursed’ game, but I understand
it is enjoyed by many, sometimes to the point of obsession. I found it to be intensely frustrating,
although golf courses are very pretty. I
do enjoy turning on a golf tournament on a hot Sunday afternoon. Golf provides great eye candy and makes a
great nap background. You don’t have to
pay attention to the game because nothing is going to happen and the announcers
always speak in quiet tones.
Here are some jokes that are mostly about
golf.
A little girl was at her first golf lesson
when she asked an interesting question…
Q: “Is the word spelled P-U-T or P-U-T-T?” She
asked her instructor.
A: “P-U-T-T is correct,” the instructor
replied.
“P-U-T means to place a thing where you want
it. “P-U-T-T means merely a futile attempt to do the same thing.”
~~~~~~~~~~
A golfer standing on a tee overlooking
a river sees a couple of fishermen and says to his partner, “Look at those two
idiots fishing in the rain.”
_____________
Fred had tried to
be particularly careful about his language as he played golf with his preacher.
But on the twelfth hole, when he twice failed to hit out of a sand trap, he
lost his resolve and let fly with a string of expletives. The preacher felt
obliged to respond. “I have observed,” said he in a calm voice, “that the best
golfers do not use foul language.”
“I guess not,”
said Fred, “what the hell do they have to bitch about?”
<<<<<<<<<<<<
Husband and wife
were playing in the club’s mixed foursomes. He hit a great drive down the
middle – she sliced the second shot into a copse of trees. Unfazed he played a
brilliant recovery shot, which went onto the green a foot from the pin. She
poked at the putt and sent it ten feet beyond the pin. He lined up the long
putt and sank it. To his wife he said, “We’ll have to do better. That was a
bogey five.”
“Don’t blame me,”
she snapped, “I only took two shots.”
>>>>>>>>>>>>
Some quotes on the game
These greens are so fast I have to hold my
putter over the ball and hit it with the shadow. ~ Sam Snead
I was three over today: one over a house, one over a patio and one over a swimming pool. ~ George Brett
Actually, the only time i ever took out a one-iron was to kill a tarantula. And it took me seven strokes to do that. ~ Jim Murray
The only sure rule in golf is - he who has the fastest cart never has to play the bad lie. ~ Mickey Mantle
Sex and golf are the two things you can enjoy even if you're not good at 'em. ~ Kevin Costner
I don't fear death, but I sure don't like those three-footers for par. ~ Chi Chi Rodriguez
After all these years, it's still embarrassing for me to play on the American golf tour. Like the time I asked my caddie for a sand wedge and he came back ten minutes later with a ham on rye. ~ Chi Chi Rodriguez
The ball retriever is not long enough to get my putter out of the tree. ~ Brian Weis
My favorite shots are the practice swing and the conceded putt. The rest can never be mastered. ~ Lord Robertson
Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air. ~ Jack Benny
There is no similarity between golf and putting; they are two different games, one played in the air, and the other on the ground. ~Ben Hogan
Professional golf is the only sport where, if you win 20% of the time, you're the best. ~ Jack Nicklaus
The uglier a man's legs are, the better he plays golf. It's almost a law. ~H. G. Wells
I never pray on a golf course. Actually, the lord answers my prayers everywhere except on the course ~ Billy Graham
If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Bob Hope
While playing golf today, i hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake. ~ Henny Youngman
If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball. ~ Jack Lemmon
You can make a lot of money in this game. Just ask my ex-wives. Both of them are so rich that neither of their husbands work. ~ Lee Trevino
I'm not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they'd come up sliced. ~ Lee Trevino
I was three over today: one over a house, one over a patio and one over a swimming pool. ~ George Brett
Actually, the only time i ever took out a one-iron was to kill a tarantula. And it took me seven strokes to do that. ~ Jim Murray
The only sure rule in golf is - he who has the fastest cart never has to play the bad lie. ~ Mickey Mantle
Sex and golf are the two things you can enjoy even if you're not good at 'em. ~ Kevin Costner
I don't fear death, but I sure don't like those three-footers for par. ~ Chi Chi Rodriguez
After all these years, it's still embarrassing for me to play on the American golf tour. Like the time I asked my caddie for a sand wedge and he came back ten minutes later with a ham on rye. ~ Chi Chi Rodriguez
The ball retriever is not long enough to get my putter out of the tree. ~ Brian Weis
My favorite shots are the practice swing and the conceded putt. The rest can never be mastered. ~ Lord Robertson
Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air. ~ Jack Benny
There is no similarity between golf and putting; they are two different games, one played in the air, and the other on the ground. ~Ben Hogan
Professional golf is the only sport where, if you win 20% of the time, you're the best. ~ Jack Nicklaus
The uglier a man's legs are, the better he plays golf. It's almost a law. ~H. G. Wells
I never pray on a golf course. Actually, the lord answers my prayers everywhere except on the course ~ Billy Graham
If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Bob Hope
While playing golf today, i hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake. ~ Henny Youngman
If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball. ~ Jack Lemmon
You can make a lot of money in this game. Just ask my ex-wives. Both of them are so rich that neither of their husbands work. ~ Lee Trevino
I'm not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they'd come up sliced. ~ Lee Trevino
Dick provided this anecdote about Lee
Trevino. A wealthy man he was living in a fancy
house in a posh Dallas neighborhood. One day he was gardening, his hobby,
around the roses in his front yard when a red Cadillac convertible with a
bejeweled blond woman driver pulled up. The woman admired Lee's garden
and asked him to come garden for her. Lee politely declined. The woman, used to getting her way, kept
insisting and finally asked him what reward it would take for him to change his
mind. Ever a gentleman, Lee responded that the lady of that house let him sleep
with her every now and then.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
The frequency of sexual activity of senior males
depends on where they were born.
Statistics were just released from
Statistics Canada and The United Nations Board of Health Teams. They
revealed that: North American men between 60 and 80 years of age, will on
average, have sex two to three times per month, whereas Japanese men in exactly
the same age group, will have sex only once or twice per year if they are
lucky.
This has come as very upsetting news to
most of my buddies at the gym, as none of us had any idea that we were Japanese
And finally, another contribution from
Dick who sent me this old Jay Leno joke,
“A study recently revealed that the group of
immigrants that acclimates fastest to life in America is the Chinese.
That is amazing because most Chinese people don’t know a word of Spanish when
they get here.”
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