JOW 'Fore' you #991

My theme this week is golf.  I no longer play the accursed’ game, but I understand it is enjoyed by many, sometimes to the point of obsession.  I found it to be intensely frustrating, although golf courses are very pretty.  I do enjoy turning on a golf tournament on a hot Sunday afternoon.  Golf provides great eye candy and makes a great nap background.  You don’t have to pay attention to the game because nothing is going to happen and the announcers always speak in quiet tones. 

Here are some jokes that are mostly about golf.

A little girl was at her first golf lesson when she asked an interesting question… 

Q: “Is the word spelled P-U-T or P-U-T-T?” She asked her instructor. 

A: “P-U-T-T is correct,” the instructor replied.  

“P-U-T means to place a thing where you want it. “P-U-T-T means merely a futile attempt to do the same thing.” 

~~~~~~~~~~

A golfer standing on a tee overlooking a river sees a couple of fishermen and says to his partner, “Look at those two idiots fishing in the rain.”

_____________

Fred had tried to be particularly careful about his language as he played golf with his preacher. But on the twelfth hole, when he twice failed to hit out of a sand trap, he lost his resolve and let fly with a string of expletives. The preacher felt obliged to respond. “I have observed,” said he in a calm voice, “that the best golfers do not use foul language.”

“I guess not,” said Fred, “what the hell do they have to bitch about?”

<<<<<<<<<<<< 

Husband and wife were playing in the club’s mixed foursomes. He hit a great drive down the middle – she sliced the second shot into a copse of trees. Unfazed he played a brilliant recovery shot, which went onto the green a foot from the pin. She poked at the putt and sent it ten feet beyond the pin. He lined up the long putt and sank it. To his wife he said, “We’ll have to do better. That was a bogey five.”

“Don’t blame me,” she snapped, “I only took two shots.”

>>>>>>>>>>>> 

Some quotes on the game

These greens are so fast I have to hold my putter over the ball and hit it with the shadow. ~ Sam Snead

I was three over today: one over a house, one over a patio and one over a swimming pool. ~ George Brett

Actually, the only time i ever took out a one-iron was to kill a tarantula.  And it took me seven strokes to do that. ~ Jim Murray

The only sure rule in golf is - he who has the fastest cart never has to play the bad lie. ~ Mickey Mantle

Sex and golf are the two things you can enjoy even if you're not good at 'em. ~ Kevin Costner

I don't fear death, but I sure don't like those three-footers for par. ~ Chi Chi Rodriguez

After all these years, it's still embarrassing for me to play on the American golf tour. Like the time I asked my caddie for a sand wedge and he came back ten minutes later with a ham on rye. ~ Chi Chi Rodriguez

The ball retriever is not long enough to get my putter out of the tree. ~ Brian Weis

My favorite shots are the practice swing and the conceded putt.  The rest can never be mastered. ~ Lord Robertson

Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air. ~ Jack Benny

There is no similarity between golf and putting; they are two different games, one played in the air, and the other on the ground. ~Ben Hogan

Professional golf is the only sport where, if you win 20% of the time, you're the best. ~ Jack Nicklaus

The uglier a man's legs are, the better he plays golf. It's almost a law. ~H. G. Wells

I never pray on a golf course. Actually, the lord answers my prayers everywhere except on the course ~ Billy Graham

If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation.  If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Bob Hope

While playing golf today, i hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake. ~ Henny Youngman

If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball. ~ Jack Lemmon

You can make a lot of money in this game. Just ask my ex-wives.  Both of them are so rich that neither of their husbands work. ~ Lee Trevino

I'm not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they'd come up sliced. ~ Lee Trevino

Dick provided this anecdote about Lee Trevino.  A wealthy man he was living in a fancy house in a posh Dallas neighborhood.  One day he was gardening, his hobby, around the roses in his front yard when a red Cadillac convertible with a bejeweled blond woman driver pulled up.  The woman admired Lee's garden and asked him to come garden for her.  Lee politely declined.  The woman, used to getting her way, kept insisting and finally asked him what reward it would take for him to change his mind. Ever a gentleman, Lee responded that the lady of that house let him sleep with her every now and then.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

The frequency of sexual activity of senior males depends on where they were born.

 Statistics were just released from Statistics Canada and The United Nations Board of Health Teams. They revealed that: North American men between 60 and 80 years of age, will on average, have sex two to three times per month, whereas Japanese men in exactly the same age group, will have sex only once or twice per year if they are lucky.

 This has come as very upsetting news to most of my buddies at the gym, as none of us had any idea that we were Japanese

And finally, another contribution from Dick who sent me this old Jay Leno joke,

“A study recently revealed that the group of immigrants that acclimates fastest to life in America is the Chinese.  That is amazing because most Chinese people don’t know a word of Spanish when they get here.”