Dogs and Cats JOW #996

We are on a new diet.  It includes gluten-free beef and grass fed asparagus, all organic.  The word ‘organic’ comes from the Greek root ‘organous’ which means ‘overpriced.’  All this meat we are eating got me thinking about carnivores, which led to canids, which led to dogs in general and then dogs versus cats.  This led to my jokes this week.  See how my mind works? So here are some dog and cat jokes.

Dogs have masters.

Cats have staff

Luke Skywalker is a dog person

Han Solo is a cat person

The difference between dog people and cat people:

Dog people wish their dogs were people. 

Cat people wish they were cats

Dog people hate cats.

Cat people hate people.

Cat person: Dogs are so disgusting.

Dog person: No they’re not!  Cats are disgusting.

Cat person: Yeah….

Dog people to each other:  “Your dog is amazing.”  “No, YOUR dog is amazing.”

Cat people to each other: “My cat is amazing.”  “No MY cat is amazing.”

Dog person: Oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly.  He is just a big softy that loves people.

Cat person: My cat is a monster.  Don’t make eye contact or do anything to upset him.  He will attack you and then laugh about it.

Dog people: I like having a loyal friend meet me when I come home.

Cat people: I like being ignored and cleaning up their messes.

Dog people: My dog is like my child

Cat people: my cat is like a fully grown adult who moves in and is now somehow in charge of the house.

Dog person: Dogs are so good and loyal.

Cat person: CATS HAVE BEEN OPPRESSED SINCE THE BLACK DEATH, AND DON’T THINK I DON’T SEE YOUR ANTI-CAT AGENDA.            

Dog people: you can trust a dog.

Cat people: you can chill with a cat.

Village people: you can get yourself clean, you can have a good meal, you can do whatever you feel.

I find it strange we have hundreds of dog breeds; even mixed breeds like Labradoodle or Shepard mix.  If you ask someone what type of cat they have they will say something like “a gray one.”

Cats and dogs think differently

Dogs think, “Wow, my owner feeds me, pets me, and gives me a nice place to stay.  They must be gods.”

Cats think, “Wow, they feed me, pet me, and gives me a nice place to stay.  I must be a god.”

Dogs think, “Hooray!  My master’s home.  I must welcome him.”

Cats think, “You are late, slave.”

If you are drowning your dog will think, ‘I must go to the neighbors to get help for my person.

If you are drowning your cat will think, ‘I must go to the neighbors to see if they will adopt me.

The Dog’s Diary

8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
10:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

The Cat’s Diary

Day 983 of My Captivity

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet. Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates my capabilities. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a “good little hunter” I am. Bastards!

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of “allergies.” I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow, but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released, and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird must be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now ...

What is a Cat?
1. Cats do what they want.
2. They rarely listen to you.
3. They are totally unpredictable.
4. When you want to play, they want to be alone.
5. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
6. They expect you to cater to their every whim.
7 They are moody.
8. They leave hair everywhere.

CONCLUSION: They are tiny little women in fur coats.

What is a Dog?
1. Dog's spend all day sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house.
2. They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don't hear you when you're in the same room.
3. They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.
4. They growl when they are not happy.
5. When you want to play, they want to play.
6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7. They leave their toys everywhere.
8. They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss.
9. They go right for the crotch as soon as they meet you.

CONCLUSION: They are tiny little men in hairy coats

One final animal joke

A duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said... don't do it man ... you will never here the end of it..