Tardy JOW #995

Normally, I prefer to send out my jokes of the week sooner than Friday.  This week I am a bit late or as we should say in these sensitive times, ‘chronologically challenged’.  But that got me thinking about being late which inevitably led to ‘late jokes.’

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Mark had a problem of getting up late in the morning and he was always late for work.  After a few weeks of this, Mr. Johnson, his boss, called him in and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it.

So Mark went to his doctor, who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. He got a great night's sleep and actually beat the alarm in the morning. After a leisurely breakfast, he cheerfully drove to work arriving ten minutes early.

"Mr. Johnson," he said, "The pill my doctor subscribed me actually worked!  I am on time this morning."
"That's all fine," said his boss, "But where were you yesterday?"

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“I’m terribly sorry officer” The man said, “I was just trying to make it to a meeting on time.”

“That’s a shame” the officer said upon handing him his ticket, “what time is the meeting called for?” “Three o’clock,” the motorist said.

The officer looked at his watch, “You could probably still make it if you step on it.”

Some “Timely” poems.

How did it get so late so soon?

It's night before it's afternoon.

December is here before it's June.

My goodness how the time has flewn.

How did it get so late so soon?”
― Dr. Seuss

“It ought to be plain how little you gain
by getting excited and vexed.
You'll always be late for the previous train,
and always on time for the next.”
― Piet Hein

Late has no gate
It may become
A wrinkle
Upon one's fate
Be on time
For success
It is its rhyme
As a result,
It will be great
No burden of a wait.”
― Ehsan Sehgal

And a related quote.

“I have noticed that the people who are late are often so much jollier than the people who have to wait for them.”
― E. V. Lucas

After waiting more than an hour and a half for her date, Melissa decided she had been stood up. She changed from her best dinner dress into her pajamas and slippers, fixed herself snack and resigned herself to an evening of TV.

No sooner had she flopped down in front of the TV than her doorbell rang. There stood her date.

He took one look at her and gasped, "I'm two hours late ... and you're still not ready?"

Other unrelated jokes

One morning he was drifting about ten miles offshore the man got a call on his cell phone from a business customer. Suddenly his rod bent double, and the reel screamed as line poured off the spool.

The man was master of the situation. "Pardon me," he told his customer calmly. "I have a call on another line."

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

A woman cut in line in front of me in the grocery store.  I was going to say something but then I saw she was buying Midol, tampons, chocolate, and red wine.  I let her go ahead without a word.

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It is hard to know what it in the future.  People keep asking me what I think will happen in next year’s elections.  Come on people – do I look like I have 2020 vision? 

I do wonder what it would be like if you could go back to the past.  If you could, what would be the most difficult thing to explain to people from that time?   Probably that we all possess a device that allows us to communicate with anyone anywhere, and is capable of accessing all the information in the known world.  And that it is mostly used to circulate cat videos and argue with strangers.

Random thoughts

·         Employment application blanks always ask who is to be called in case of an emergency. I think you should write, "An ambulance.” 

·         The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement. 

·         Wouldn't you know it!  Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.

·         The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he/she can tell when they are really in trouble. 

·         Did you ever notice that when you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "Theirs?" 

Two from Ruth:
What do you call a cow that just had a calf?  DeCalfinated

What do you call a camel with no hump?  Humphrey

A good and useful word:

Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia - Fear of long words.

Bill sent me this final joke:

Yossel Zelkovitz worked in a Jewish pickle factory. For many years he had a powerful desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer. Unable to stand it any longer, he sought professional help from the factory psychologist..

After six months, the therapist gave up. He advised Yosselto go ahead and do it or he would probably never have any peace of mind.

The next day he came home from work very early. His wife, Sacha, became alarmed and wanted to know what had happened. Yossel tearfully confessed his tormenting desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer. He went on to explain that today he finally went ahead and did it, and he was immediately fired.

Sacha gasped and ran over to her husband. She quickly yanked down his pants and shorts only to find a normal, completely intact penis. She looked up and said, "I don't understand. What about the pickle slicer?"

Yossel replied, "I think she got fired, too."