Redneck JOW #1005

In these sensitive times, ethnic jokes are the last taboo -- only a fool would take a shot at Mexicans or blacks or Lord help us, feminists, without a glance over the shoulder or a lowered voice. 

Example:  “How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?”

“Only one and that’s not funny.”

If you have a group of people who revel in their own identity, jokes about them are okay. Cajuns, for example. Or Jewish comedians like Leo Rosten telling Jewish jokes. Or Garrison Keillor about Catholics and Lutherans.  Rednecks, apparently, are also a group about which you can tell ethnic jokes with near impunity.  The best known redneck humorist is Jeff Foxworth who has made a very good living with his “You might be a redneck” one-liners.  His very first Redneck joke was: ‘If your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board, you might be a redneck.’

Here a bunch of his jokes which start with “You might be a redneck if”

·         Exxon and Conoco have offered you royalties for your hair.

·         You use lava soap more than three times a day.

·         You keep a can of RAID on the kitchen table.

·         You actually made a pyramid of cans in the pale moonlight with Alan Jackson.

·         You’re a lite beer drinker, because you start drinking when it gets light.

·         You’ve ever parked a Camaro in a tree.

·         You’ve ever put a six-pack in a casket right before they closed it.

·         Jack Daniels makes your list of most admired people.

·         You ever got too drunk to fish.

·         More than one living relative is named after a Southern Civil War general

·         You have the local taxidermist’s number on speed dial.

·         You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.

·         You’ve ever filled your deer tag on the golf course.

·         There is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house.

·         You own a homemade fur coat

·         Your family tree doesn’t have any branches.

·         Your gene pool doesn’t have a “deep end.”

·         You dated your daddy’s current wife in high school.

·         You view the next family reunion as a chance to meet girls.

·         You can’t get married to your sweetheart because there is a law against it.

·         You think “loading the dishwasher” means getting your wife drunk.

·         Your wife’s hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.

·         Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.

·         You think “taking out the trash” means taking your in-laws to a movie.

·         You own a home that is mobile and 5 cars that aren’t.

·         You replace a flat tire on your truck with a tire from your house.

·         There are four or more cars up on blocks in the front yard. Fewer than half of your cars run. You have a rag for a gas cap (on a car that does not run)

·         You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food. You think a turtleneck is a key ingredient for soup.

·         You think the French Riviera is a foreign car. You think that Dom Perignon is a mafia leader

·         You think the stock market has a fence around it. The fifth grade is referred to as “your senior year.”

·         You've ever worn shorts to a funeral.

·         You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding.

·         People come to your house mistakenly thinking you’re having a yard sale.

A redneck and his friend, Tony, were out hunting ducks when suddenly, a magnificent mallard flew overhead.  Shouldering his shotgun, Tony blasted it from the sky.

"Great shot, huh?" he said.

"It sure was," said the redneck, "but you wasted a bullet."

"What are you talking about?"

"The fall alone would have killed it."

Things You Would NEVER Hear A Redneck Say

·         I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.

·         Duct tape won't fix that.

·         Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael.

·         Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.

·         We don't keep firearms in this house.

·         Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?

·         You can't feed that to the dog.

·         I thought Graceland was tacky.

·         No kids in the back of the pick-up; it's not safe.

·         Wrasslin's fake.

·         Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?

·         We're vegetarians.

·         Do you think my hair is too big?

·         I'll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy.

·         Honey, do these Bonsai trees need watering?

·         Give me the small bag of pork rinds.

·         Deer heads detract from the decor.

·         Spitting is such a nasty habit.

·         I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.

·         Trim the fat off that steak.

·         Cappuccino is better than espresso.

·         The tires on that truck are too big.

·         I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.

·         Would you like your fish poached or broiled?

·         Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.

·         Checkmate.

·         She's too old to be wearing a bikini.

·         Hey, here's an episode of 'Hee Haw' that we haven't seen.

·         I don't have a favorite college team.

·         Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.

·         I believe you cooked those green beans too long.

·         Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.

·         Elvis who?

I hope ya’ll enjoyed my JOW.  I end with an actual joke about cowboys instead of rednecks

Cowboy Joe was telling his fellow cowboys, back on the ranch, about his first visit to a big-
city church.
"When I got there, they had me park my old truck in the corral," Joe began.
"You mean the parking lot," interrupted Charlie, a more worldly fellow.
"I walked up the trail to the gate," Joe continued.
"The sidewalk to the door," Charlie corrected him.
"Inside the door, I was met by this dude," Joe went on.
"That would be the usher," Charlie explained.
"Well, the usher led me down the chute," Joe said.
"You mean the aisle," Charlie said.
"Then he led me to a stall and told me to sit there," Joe continued.
"Pew," Charlie retorted.
"Yeah," recalled Joe. "That's what that pretty lady said when I sat down beside her."