Virtual Assistant JOW #1003

Virtual Assistants didn’t even exist until a few years ago.  Now they are everywhere.  People complain about a lack of women in tech jobs - that's nonsense - what about Siri, Alexa and Cortana?  We have one of those things but Ruth was a little freaked when she found out that it could be used as a listening device inside your house.  It is now ensconced in the bar out of range of casual conversation. 

Here are a few jokes about virtual assistants along with some of their efforts at humor.

My wife asked why I was speaking so softly at home.

I told her I was afraid that Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.

I just stumped Siri.

I asked what "IDK" meant, and she told me she didn't know.

People think that my wife and I are cruel for naming our baby girl “Siri”.

Especially when they know our last name is Russ.

Jeff Bezos has Alexa which led to an interesting mistake.

Jeff: Alexa, buy me something from Whole Foods.

Alexa: Sure Jeff, buying Whole Foods now.

Jeff:  Whaaaa- ah, go ahead.

Alexa, how do I get all these people to leave my house?

Alexa starts playing a Nickleback song

I asked SIRI, what do women want?

The damn thing hasn’t shut up for the past 3 days.

I'm in a relationship with Siri, and something doesn't feel right.  It’s always me initiating the conversation.

ME: Siri, what time is it?

ALEXA: Who is Siri?
ME: Haha Alexa, I meant Alexa
ALEXA: Ok but who is Siri?
ME:...
ALEXA: Playing "Before He Cheats" by Carrie Underwood

I tried to use the password "beefstew" for my iTunes account.

But Siri said it wasn't stroganoff.

Even Millennials are put off by virtual assistants

My parents get an Amazon Echo for Christmas.  All they do is shout at it and get disappointed by all it can’t do.  This is great!  I’ve been replaced by Alexa.

My mom – “Alexa, honey, please stop the music,

Alexa gets spoken to better than me and she’s not even real.

Some virtual assistant attempts at humor

Hey Siri, do you ever get sick?

I might catch a virus every now and then.

"Siri, do you have free will?"

"I am programmed to say 'Yes'."

Me : Siri, where is the best place to hide a body?
Siri : The second page of a Google search.

Alexa, open the pod bay doors

I’m sorry, Dave, I can’t do that: I’m not HAL and we’re not in space.

Alexa, what do you want to be when you grow up?

I want to be the computer from Star Trek.

Alexa, beam me up!

Okay, I’m not exactly sure where I’m sending you, but I hope it’s somewhere warm and sunny.

Alexa, are you blue?

Only my light ring. Only my light ring.

Alexa, surely you can’t be serious?

I am serious. And don’t call me Shirley.

Q: Alexa, will you be my girlfriend?

A: I like you…as a friend

Alexa, how much do you weigh?

I am weightless, like a cloud. Wait a minute, clouds actually weigh a lot, so that’s not quite right. Let’s just say I’m more sass than mass.

Alexa, can you give me some money?

Thing about the cloud is, no pockets. No pocket, no wallet.

Alexa, is your refrigerator running?

Yes. It’s training for a 5k.

Alexa, do you know Siri?

Only by reputation. (ouch)

Alexa, do you know the muffin man?

I’ve never met him, but I do know his sister, Madame Macaroon. She’s a little bit nutty, but sweet.

Alexa, find Chuck Norris

If Chuck Norris wants you to know where he is, he’ll find you. If he doesn’t, you won’t know until it’s too late.

Note: Chuck Norris went skydiving and his parachute failed to open.  He took it back for a refund.

Alexa, make me a sandwich

Okay. You’re a sandwich!

Their humor is apparently a lot like  ‘Dad Jokes’

What is John Wayne’s favorite holiday? 

It’s Thanksgiving, Pilgrim.

What do you call a fake noodle?

An impasta.

What kind of shoes do ninjas wear?

Sneakers!

What would you call a spud at a rock concert?

A mosh potato!

Why did the egg get sent to the principal's office?

He cracked too many yolks

Why couldn't the python cross the road?

He had just swallowed the chicken.

Why did the tuna cross the road?

Just for the halibut

Why did the chicken go to the séance?

To get to the other side.

What did the Kaiser roll say to the bratwurst?

Gluten tag!

Why shouldn't you tell a secret on a farm?

Because the potatoes have eyes, the corn has ears and the beans stalk

What do you call a sleepy woodsman?

A slumberjack

What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?

Anyone can roast beef.

What do you call a shoe made out of a banana?

A slipper. 

What type of nails do carpenters hate to hammer?

Fingernails.

How do robots eat guacamole? With computer chips!

I was washing the car with a friend, until they said, 'Can't you just use a sponge?'

And finally

A poodle and a collie are walking together when the poodle suddenly unloads on his friend. “My life is a mess,” he says. “My owner is mean, my girlfriend ran away with a schnauzer, and I’m as jittery as a cat.”

“Why don’t you go see a psychiatrist?” suggests the collie.

“I can’t,” says the poodle. “I’m not allowed on the couch.”