Sven & Ole JOW #1004

My jokes this week are about a whole genre of jokes featuring three Scandinavian/American characters, Sven, Ole, and Lena.  These jokes are a bit like the redneck jokes featuring ‘Bubba’ - jokes that make fun of these dumb but loveable characters but, unlike Polack jokes, are told by the people about themselves or rather told by the Norwegians about the Swedes and vice versa.   Sven & Ole jokes are best said out loud with a ’Swedish Chef’ accent. 

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A Norwegian appeared with five other men in a police line-up. As the victim entered the room, the Norwegian blurted, "Yep, dat's her!"

A Norwegian, a Swede and a Dane made a bet about who could stay the longest in a stinky pig barn. They all went in at the same time. After only two minutes the Dane came running out. Five minutes later the Swede stumbled out the door. After ten minutes, all the pigs ran out.

Every year for the 17th of May parade the Swedes line up on one side of the road for the parade, the Norwegians on the other side. Those crazy Swedes would throw firecrackers at the Norwegians. Of course, the Norwegians would get mad and light the firecrackers and throw them back.

A neighbor asked Ole why the Norwegian government doesn't draft men until age 35. Ole explained, "Dey vant to get dem right otta high school."

Ole's neighbor Sven had a boy, Sven Junior, who came home one day and asked, "Papa, I have da biggest feet in da third grade. Is dat becuss I'm Norvegian?"

"No," said Sven, "It's because you're NINETEEN."

Ole called the airlines information desk and inquired, "How long does it take ta fly from Minneapolis to Fargo?

"Just a minute," said the busy clerk.

"Vell, said Ole, "if it has to go dat fast, I tink I'll yust take da bus."

Sven says to Ole "I found dis pen, is it yours?"

Ole replies - "Don't know, give it here" He then tries it and says "Yes it is"

Sven asks "How do you know?"

Ole replies, "Dat's my handwriting!"

Lars: "Ole, stand in fronna my car and tell me if da turn signals are vorking".

Ole: "Ya, No, Ya, No, Ya, No, Ya, No...."

Ole wore both of his winter jackets when he painted his house last July. The directions on the can said "put on two coats"

Lars was staggering home after a night in the tavern. A Lutheran minister saw him and offered to help him get home safely. As they approached the house, Lars asked the minister to step inside for a moment. He explained, "I vant Lena to see who I have been out vith."

Ole and Sven were taking a vacation in Sven's new camper. As usual, they'd become lost and were wandering around a strange town trying to find the highway. Sven was just starting down a grade to go under a bridge when he slams on the brakes.

Ole: Vat da heck you do dat for, Sven?

Sven: Dat sign dere says "Low Bridge. No Vehicles Over Twelve Feet High." Dis here camper is t'irteen feet!

Ole: Cripes almighty Sven, dere ain't no cops around. Yust hit da gas pedal and go for it!

Ole and Lena visit New York City. Caught in traffic on East 46th, a homeless person starts washing the windshield. Ole rolls down the window. "Eh how's it going?" the homeless guy says.

"Ohhh it's OK.” Ole says.

"Hey where are you folks from?" asks the homeless guy.

"Ohh ve're from Minnesota."

"Ohhh Minnesota, I've been there. I met the ugliest woman I ever saw in Minnesota!"

Lena asks "Vat's he saying Ole?" "Ohhh he says he knows you Lena."

Ole answered the phone one day and came back to the living room crying.

"Ole! Vat in da vorld is da matter?" asked the sympathetic Lena.

"I yust had bad news, Lena," Ole replied, "My fadder yust died!!" Just then the phone rang again, Ole went to answer it and came back crying even harder.

"Vell, Ole, vat is da matter, now?" asked Lena.

"Dat vas my brudder." said Ole. "His fadder yust died too!"

Ole and Lars go ice fishin. Ole pulls out his new thermos and Lars says to him, "Ole, whatcha got der?". Ole says, "Well Lars, dis here's a thermos.  They say It keeps hot tings hot, and it keeps cold tings cold."

After awhile, Lars gets curious and says, "Vell Ole, whatcha got in dat der thermos?"

 Ole says, "Vell Lars, I got a popsicle, and two cups a coffee."

And Lena is always portrayed as a bit of a rounder

Lena stepped up to the clerk in the department store and said, "Can I try on dat dress in da window?" The clerk, who knew Lena responded, "We'd really prefer that you try it on in the dressing room."

Ole was talking with his brother Sven, who lived next door, when Sven said, "Ya know Ole, you and Lena should really need to close your windows."

"Vy's dat?" Ole asked.

"Vel last night I heard you and Lena, vel you know...  She was pretty noisy."

Ole thought for a while, then said, "Ha-ha Sven, da yokes on you! I vasn't even home last night!"

Ole and Lars worked on a construction crew. One day Lars noticed that the foreman always left the project about an hour early. "Say Ole," suggested Lars, "Vy don't WE take off a little early too... yust like da foreman." So they agreed to try it. As soon as Ole got home, he looked all over for Lena. Finally, he opened the bedroom door...and there she was (Vell ya know) in bed with the foreman. Ole silently closed the door and tiptoed out of the house.

The next day Ole confronted Lars. "Ve better not try anudder stunt like ve did yesterday. I almost got caught!"

Ole and Lena were lying in bed one night when the phone rang, Ole answered it and Lena heard him yell, "Vell, how da hell should I know, dats over 2,000 miles away" and he hung up.

Lena say's "who vas dat Ole?"

 Ole say's "Hell if I know, some guy vants ta know if da coast is clear."

Ole was on his deathbed and implored his wife Lena, "Lena, ven I'm gone, I vant you to marry Sven Svenson".

"Vy Sven Svenson?" his wife asked. "You've hated him all of your life!"

"Still do," gasped Ole.