Cultured Wine JOW #1007

These days, I drink one glass of wine a day for my health.  The other glasses are for my sparkling wit and flawless dance moves.  Yes, I'm a wine enthusiast. The more wine I drink, the more enthusiastic I get.  Wine improves with age – The older I get the more I like it.  I understand there is a whole wine culture which I am slowly learning.  For example, when cooking, the phrase ‘reduce the wine’ does not mean drinking it.

Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
...Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.  Do I detect a hint of grapes?

^^^^^^^^^

Secrets of enjoying a good bottle of wine:

Open the bottle to allow it to breathe

If it does not look like it is breathing, give it mouth to mouth.

…………

I've been told that red wine compliments a steak.  But so far my glass hasn't said anything nice at all.

++++++++++++

Whenever I say the word ‘diet’ I have to wash out my mouth with red wine and dark chocolate.

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A meal without wine is called Breakfast.

Can you drink alcohol for breakfast? Wine not?

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A man enters a wholesale store and says: "I’d like a liter of wine please."

"Did you bring a container for it?"

"You're speaking to it."
>>>>>>>>>>>

Pessimist “My glass is half full.”

Optimist: “My glass is half empty.”

Realist: “My glass needs a refill.”

<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

Can I think of any red wine puns?

You bet Shiraz I can.

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·         If drinking wine makes you feel sad is the Grape Depression?

·         I’ve trained my dog to bring me a glass of red wine. It’s a Bordeaux collie.

*****

How do you decide how much wine to drink? Take it on case-by-case basis.

,,,,,

People say drinking milk makes you stronger.  Drink five classes of milk and try to move a wall.  You can’t.

Now drink five glasses of wine and the wall will move all by itself.

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I told my wife that a man is like a fine wine... I always get better with age. The next day, she locked me in the wine cellar.

……..

A truck carrying olive oil crashed into a truck carrying red wine vinegar, inside a nudist camp

First responders reported that everyone nearby was well dressed

_________

The drunken wino was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, sir. You're obviously drunk" The wasted wino asked, "Ociffer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?" "Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go." Obviously relieved, the wino said "That's a relief - I thought I was a cripple."
A non-wine joke

Physicians are unable to reach a consensus: Should the U.S. build Trump's Mexican Wall?
Allergists are in favor of scratching it, but Dermatologists advise not to make any rash moves.
The Gastroenterologists have sort of a gut feeling about it, but Neurologists state they think Trump has a lot of nerve.
Meanwhile, Obstetricians feel certain everyone is laboring under a misconception, while Ophthalmologists consider the idea shortsighted.
Pathologists yell, "Over my dead body!" while the Pediatricians say, "Oh, grow up!"
Psychiatrists think the whole idea is madness, while the Radiologists see right through it.
 Surgeons have decided to wash their hands of the whole thing and the Internists claim it's a bitter pill to swallow.
Plastic Surgeons opine that this proposal will "put a whole new face on the matter."
Podiatrists think it is a step backward, and the Urologists are simply pissed off with the whole idea.
 Anesthesiologists say the whole idea is a gas, and those lofty Cardiologists don't have the heart to say no.
 In the end, the Proctologists will win out, leaving the entire decision to the assholes in Washington!

Bill sent me this inspiring story about a positive attitude.

"Life is not the way it's supposed to be - it's the way it is. The way you cope with it is what makes the difference." After his helicopter was shot down, there was an explosion when his autorotation turned into a crash landing. The pilot was badly injured but finally regained consciousness. He was in a hospital, in a lot of pain.

 He found himself in the ICU with tubes/IV drips in both arms, a breathing mask, wires monitoring every function and a nurse hovering over him, looking worried. It was obvious he was in a life-threatening situation

The nurse gave him a serious look, straight into his eyes. Knowing he was not only an Army helicopter pilot, but flew with the Air Cavalry, she spoke to him softly and slowly, enunciating each word: “You may not feel anything from the waist down.”

Somehow he managed to mumble in reply, “Can I feel your tits, then?" 

And that, my friends, is a real positive attitude.