Prosperous New Year JOW #1011

Another year has rolled by.  Inevitably there are the comments that ‘we are glad to see 2019 go’.  For some it was a bad year, but overall things in the world are comparatively good.  Compared to what?  Past years.  Despite the rantings of the media the world is a better place today than it has ever been.  Never have so many people lived above the poverty line.  Literacy rates are at an all-time high.  Diseases are being defeated and world-wide health is being improved.  To my mind the glass is not half empty, it merely has room for a refill.  Although things are not perfect, they are better than they have been in the past.  Never forget that media (and common gossips) don’t talk about things that are going well; they thrive on scandal and tragedy. 

 So best wishes to you all for the coming year – I hope you can see your way clearly to a happy and prosperous 2020!

---------------

We are thinking about starting a tradition: eating chili for Christmas Eve.  We are calling it 'silent but deadly night'.

This time of year we see a lot of ‘best of’ lists.  Here are the top 10 jokes from the Liverpool area:

1. “I keep randomly shouting out ‘Broccoli’ and ‘Cauliflower’ – I think I might have florets”.

2.”Someone stole my antidepressants. Whoever they are, I hope they’re happy” – Richard Stott
3.”What’s driving Brexit? From here it looks like it’s probably the Duke of Edinburgh” – Milton Jones
4. “A cowboy asked me if I could help him round up 18 cows. I said, ‘Yes, of course. – That’s 20 cows'” – Jake Lambert
5. “A thesaurus is great. There’s no other word for it” – Ross Smith
6. “Sleep is my favourite thing in the world. It’s the reason I get up in the morning” – Ross Smith
7. “I accidentally booked myself onto an escapology course; I’m really struggling to get out of it” – Adele Cliff
8. “After learning six hours of basic semaphore, I was flagging – Richard Pulsford
9. “To be or not to be a horse rider, that is Equestrian” – Mark Simmons
10. “I’ve got an Eton-themed advent calendar, where all the doors are opened for me by my dad’s contacts” – Ivo Graham

From insights provided by Jim

·         I didn't like my beard at first.  Then it grew on me. 

·         I changed my iPod's name to Titanic.  It's syncing now.

·         England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool. 

·         Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

·         This girl today said she recognized me from the Vegetarians Club, but I'd swear I've never met herbivore. 

·         I know a guy who's addicted to drinking brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time. 

·         A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months. 

·         When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A. 

·         I got some batteries that were given out free of charge. 

·         A dentist and a manicurist married.  They fought tooth and nail. 

·         A will is a dead giveaway. 

·         With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress. 

·         Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest. 

·         Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off?  He's all right now. 

·         The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine last week is now fully recovered. 

·         When she saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye. 

·         Acupuncture is a jab well done.  That's the point of it. 

·         Did you hear about the crossed-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils? 

·         When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble. 

·         Those who get too big for their pants will be totally exposed in the end.

A few random bits I need to clear out before the end of the year
Job interviewer: “And where would you see yourself in five years’ time Mr. Jeffries?"
Mr. Jeffries: "Personally I believe my biggest weakness is in not listening."

=========

Dentist: “This will hurt a little.”
Patient: “OK.”
Dentist: “I’ve been having an affair with your wife.”

```````````

I dreamed I was forced to eat a giant marshmallow. When I woke up, my pillow was gone.

~~~~~~~~~

Mother: "Anton, can you please come over here? Do you think I’m a bad mom?"
Son: "My name is Paul."

++++++++++

Two donkeys are standing at a pedestrian crossing - one asks the other: So, shall we cross here?
The other looks at the pavement markers and shakes his head: "No way, look at what happened to the zebra."

Finally from The New Yorker

The best joke of the year wasn’t told by a comedian. And it’s only kind of funny. It goes like this: on New Year’s Day, Netflix released “Tidying Up with Marie Kondo,” introducing to the widest audience yet Kondo’s theories about decluttering domestic spaces and retaining only items that “spark joy.” The great junk purge commenced, as people resolved to be better by throwing (or giving) away the things that they didn’t love. Then, in November, came the punch line: having spent the year convincing us to clear our houses of useless consumer goods, Kondo was now, in a new online store, selling potential replacements—“a collection of my favorite things and items that spark joy for me.” Seventy-five bucks would get you a metal tuning fork and a rose-quartz crystal—which can spark joy twice over, once when you buy them and again when you throw them out.