Dietary JOW #1009

I recently saw an old (1973) sci-fi movie starting Charleston Heston called Soylent Green.  Set in an overcrowded dystopian world in the year 2022, people are fed a product called soylent green.  It is revealed at the end of the movie that “Soylent Green is people!”  Recently Burger King released the meatless “Impossible Burger”.  Coincidence?  I think not. 

But that got me thinking about what we eat and that let to Vegan jokes.  Vegans are so earnest and self-righteous (“it’s a not just a diet it’s an ethical lifestyle, man!) that they open themselves up to a lot of jokes.  I wonder what would happen if a Jehovah’s Witness ever knocked on the door of a devout vegan.   Anyway, here are some dietary bits of humor.

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A guy has celery sticking out of one ear, and a carrot out of the other, with a piece of asparagus up his nose.
He goes to the doctor and asks him what's wrong.
The doctor tells him, "Well, for one thing, you're not eating right."

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·         Can I tell you a vegan joke? I promise it won't be cheesy.

·         How can you tell if someone is vegan?
Don't worry. When you offer them meat, they will say 'no thanks', then you can relentlessly ask them questions why, then you can get upset and accuse them of going on about it.

·         I met this woman today who said she recognized me from a vegan group, but I'd never met herbivore.

·         What does a vegan zombie eat?
GRAAIIIIIIIINS

·         How many vegans does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to change it and one to check for animal ingredients.

·         How many vegans does it take to change a lightbulb?
No idea. But where do you get your protein?

·         Vegan: Try this banana
Meat eater: It tastes pretty good
Vegan: It's vegan
Meat eater: I thought it tasted funny

·         How many vegetarians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

I don’t know, but where do you get your protein?

·         How many vegans does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, everybody knows they can’t change anything.

·         If two vegetarians are arguing, is it still called a beef?

·         Did you hear about the vegan devil worshipper?
He sold his soul to seitan!

 ·             Why did the tofu cross the road?

     To prove he wasn't chicken.

·         What do you call it when one chickpea murders another?

A hummus-cide.

·         What is the Native American word for vegetarian?

Bad hunter!

Meat-eater: Did you hear about the new study saying vegans are more likely to need glasses? I guess it's because you don't get the proper nutrition.
Vegan: Nah, it's just from reading all of those tiny ingredients lists.

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Two friends heard arguing in the street: "You know what the problem is don't you?  It's a dog eat dog world out there, and you're a vegetarian!"

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One day two accountants, who were best friends, were walking together down the street. One was a vegetarian and constantly berated the other for eating meat! After stopping for a hot dog, the vegetarian erupted "Why do you eat meat?, do you even know what's in that hot dog? You know, you are what you eat!"

The "carnivore" paid no attention.  As they stepped off the curb a speeding car came around the corner and ran the vegetarian over. The other accountant called 911 and helped his injured friend as best he was able to. The injured vegetarian was taken to emergency at the hospital and rushed into surgery. After a long and agonizing wait, the doctor finally appeared. He told the uninjured accountant, "I have good news, and I have bad news. The good news is that your friend is going to pull through." "The bad news is that he's going to be a vegetable for the rest of his life."

Which brought to mind a joke from the bad old days of animal testing.

A rabbit one day managed to break free from the laboratory where he had been born and brought up. As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life. "Wow, this is great," he thought. It wasn't long before he came to a hedge and, after squeezing under it he saw a wonderful sight lots of other bunny rabbits, all

free and nibbling at the lush grass.

"Hey," he called. "I'm a rabbit from the laboratory and I've just escaped. Are you wild rabbits?"

"Yes. Come and join us," they cried.

Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. It tasted so good. "What else do you wild rabbits do?" he asked.

"Well," one of them said. "You see that field there? It's got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them."

This, he couldn't resist and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful.

Later, he asked them again, "Is there anything else you guys do?" he asked.

One of the other rabbits came a bit closer to him and spoke softly.  "There's one other thing you must try. You see those rabbits there," he said, pointing to the far corner of the field. "They're girls. We shag them. Go and try it."

Well, our friend spent the rest of the morning screwing his little heart out until, completely knackered, he staggered back over to the guys.

"That was fantastic," he panted.

"So are you going to live with us then?" one of them asked.

"I'm sorry, I had a great time but I can't."

The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit surprised. "Why? We thought you liked it here."

"I do," our friend replied. "But I must get back to the laboratory.

I'm dying for a cigarette."