Just a Super JOW #1015

The Big Game is this Sunday.  I am not sure if it is worth praying about.  I mean the Patriots aren’t going to the Super Bowl and that’s about all we can ask of God at the moment.  Besides, last year’s Super Bowl was pretty boring.  At the half it was Maroon 5 Patriots 3 Rams 0.  With enough chips and beverages I guess the watching football is as good a way to pass a dreary Sunday afternoon as any, I guess.  But it is a Big Deal, and thus worthy of some jokes.

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What's infinite times better than the Super Bowl?

The Hyperbole

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So, there's the Super Bowl.

After that, there's the Mega Bowl.

Then, after that, there's the Giga Bowl.

Any more than that, though, would just be Tera Bowl.

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A friend bought Super Bowl tickets last year, but he didn't realize when he bought them it was going to be on the same day as his wedding.  Now he is looking for someone to take his place.  If you are interested, it's at Temple of God Church, in Lexington at 3pm. Bride’s name is Beth.  She'll be the one in the white dress.

^^^^^^^

The New York Times just endorsed the San Francisco 49ers and Kansas City Chiefs to win the next Super Bowl.

>>>>>>>> 

What do you call an Atlanta Falcons player with a Super Bowl ring?

A thief.

<<<<<<<<<< 

The Dallas Cowboys had just finished their daily practice session when a large turkey came strutting onto the field.  While the players looked on in amazement, the turkey walked up to the head coach and demanded to be given a chance to play at tight end.

Everyone stared in silence and wonder as the turkey caught pass after pass and ran right through the defensive line. When the turkey returned to the sidelines, the coach said, "You're superb. Sign up for the season, and I'll see to it that you get a huge bonus."

"Forget the bonus," replied the turkey, "What I want to know is, does your season go past Thanksgiving Day?"

+++++++

Q: What do Cowboys fans do after they win the Super Bowl?

A: Turn off the XBox.

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A Cleveland Browns fan finds a magical lamp.

The fan rubs the lamp and a genie emerges.
Genie: "I am the all-powerful genie and I will grant you one wish!"
Fan: "That's easy, I want to live forever!"
Genie: "That's an impossible wish that I cannot grant."
Fan: "Okay then, I want to live long enough to see the Cleveland Browns win the super bowl."
Genie: "You clever bastard... "

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Ever wonder why Houston Texan fans are so rich?

Because they never have to pay for super bowl tickets!

More contradictory thoughts

Embracing radical simplicity has improved my life in 18 different ways.

I want to genuinely apologize now for turning out to be so insincere later on.

I am ready to feel genuine remorse if that will get me off the hook.

I stopped neurotically clinging to the past at 11:08 AM on March 11<sup>th</sup>, 2018.

There is a 50/50 chance that I am probably wrong.

I am not doing much to alleviate the suffering of humanity other than transferring some of mine to you.

Most of the things I worried about never came to pass.  It was the all the things I never saw coming.

Can’t we all agree that the idea of consensus is an illusion?

We are all moving together as one toward the same destination.  Which is why there is this traffic jam.

If you aren’t one of those people who ‘fake it till you make it’ just pretend you are.

We don’t have to be in the same room to feel the love we share.  In fact, sometimes it’s often better if we aren’t

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A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police show up, they ask him what happened. The shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”

·         The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast.

·         Sometimes you meet people who change your life for the better.  These people are called bartenders.

Ron put things pretty well:

 Could not ask for better friends.  I suppose I could ask for more normal ones but then life would be far too dull.

A final off topic joke

The doctor says, “Larry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?”

Larry replies, “God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I’m done, poof! The light goes off.”

“Wow, that’s incredible,” the doctor says.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls Larry’s wife.

“Bonnie,” he says, “Larry is doing fine! But I had to call you because I’m in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night, and poof, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he’s done, poof, the light goes off?”

“Oh, no,” exclaims Bonnie. “He’s peeing in the refrigerator again!”

Chinese JOW #1014

I am asked how I can come up with jokes every week.  I find it is easier if I have a theme.  China has been in the news a lot so I thought I would do some Chinese jokes.  Nope.  Puns, cultural references, and sarcasm all require a fairly advanced level of language and cultural comprehension.  The Chinese seem to enjoy puns, in Chinese. Of course, in China you may not make fun of the government unless it is on a politically approved topic such as corruption.  But before we can feel too superior, remember that we too, have censorship.  In America you can no longer make jokes about minorities, homosexuals or feminists.  Body image is also off limits.  In China you can joke about fat people.  It is also acceptable to joke about beating children, and to compare people to animals.  American humor can be harsh.  Look at insult comics, and celebrity roasts.  And in the American stand-up circuit, ironic nihilism reigns. 

A couple of examples of this:

I found this timely because today I was in a store that sells sunglasses, and only sunglasses. A young lady walked over to me and asked, "What brings you in today? I looked at her and said, "I'm interested in buying a refrigerator." She didn't quite know how to respond.

 When people see a cat's litter box they always say, "Oh, have you got a cat?" Just once I want to say, "No, it's for company! 

“I actually read your autobiography, and today after seeing you, I think the book is much better.”  Actually, that one is from a Chinese standup comedian but he told it in the US.  In China, it would be considered rude.

Cultural and language differences can be amusing

An American businessman goes to China on a business trip, but he hates Chinese food, so he asks the concierge at his hotel if there's any place around where he can get American food. The concierge tells him he's in luck; there's a pizza place that just opened, and they deliver. The concierge gives the businessman the phone number, and he goes back to his room and orders a pizza. Thirty minutes later, the delivery guy shows up to the door with the pizza. The businessman takes the pizza, and starts sneezing uncontrollably. He asks the delivery man, "What the heck did you put on this pizza?"

The delivery man bows deeply and says, "We put on the pizza what you ordered: pepper only."

A few Chinese-themed jokes

·         If you spin a Chinese man around would he become disoriented?

·         Do the Chinese realize that when they're visiting America, they buy souvenirs made in their own country?

·         Everything is made in China... Except for baby girls

Chinese Riddles

Q: Why is there no Disneyland in China?

A: No one's tall enough to go on the good rides.

Q: How does every Chinese joke start?

A: By looking over your shoulder.

Q: Heard about the new German-Chinese restaurant?

A: The food is great, but an hour later, you're hungry for power.
Q: Did you hear the one about the Chinese Godfather?

A: He makes you an offer you can't understand.

Q: How do you know if a Chinaman robbed your house?

A: Your homework is done, your computer is upgraded, and he is still trying to back out of your driveway.

Q: What do you call a Chinese Billionaire?

A: Cha Ching!

Q: What do you call a Chinese rapper?

A: Vanilla Rice
Q: What do you call a dumb Chinese prostitute?

A: Wun Dum Ho
Q: What do you call a Chinese man with a camera?

A: Phil Ming.

Q: What do you call a Chinese dwarf?

A: Tai Nee.

Q: What do you call a Chinese Paralympian?

A: Lim Ping.

Finally I am going to end up with a penis joke

A man goes to his doctor and complains that his penis is developing a bend in the middle. So the doctor ran a series of tests, and had the man return to his office to report the results. "Have you been in the Far East recently, within the last year or so?"

"Why, yes," replied the man.

"And did you have sex while over there?"

The man looked worried. "Well, yes, once or twice."

The doctor's face got a grave expression on it. "That's what I was afraid of. You have a new disease that's just starting to spread in this country. It's called 'Hong Kong Dong.'"

The man gulped. "What do you do for it? Is there a cure?"

"Well, sort of. You see, there is no way to cure the disease, but you must have an operation." "An operation? What kind of operation?"

"We cut off your penis."

"Wow! Do you mind if I get a second opinion?"

The doctor replied, "Of course not. In something of such a serious nature as this, I think you should get a second and a third opinion!"

The man consulted a urologist who told him essentially the same story, diagnosis, prognosis, and recommended treatment. He was understandably upset, so he asked the second doctor to recommend another doctor for his third opinion. The urologist suggested that, since this disease originated in the Far East that he travel there, as the Asian doctors might know more about it. Mr. Unlucky promptly booked passage on an airline for Hong Kong, where he received an immediate consultation with that Crown Colony's most eminent physician. After a series of tests, he awaited the verdict. The doctor entered the examining room.

"Well, is it Hong Kong Dong?" he inquired, unable to wait.

"Yes." "And is it really incurable?"

"Yes, there is no known cure."

The man's face crumpled as he fought back tears.

"And am I going to have an operation? Will they have to cut off my penis?" At that the man was astonished to see the doctor break into laughter. "What's so funny, Doc? You mean I don't have to have surgery?" As the doctor regained control of himself, he managed to choke out, "Oh, those American doctors! Surgery, surgery, all they can think of is surgery!"

"I don't have to have my penis cut off?" The man was overjoyed.

"Of course not! Just wait a couple more weeks, and it'll fall off by itself!"

Contradictory JOW #1013

I have often wondered what makes a joke or situation funny?  I am not alone in this, there are lots of scholarly papers on the subject.  Some things are funny to one person and not to another – these can vary based on culture, age, and gender.   Personally I do not find bathroom humor amusing, nor am I one for jokes that are cruel or demeaning.  I find that I laugh at things that are silly or unexpected – shocking even.  Some of my favorite types of jokes are ‘stupid’ jokes where people do stupid or silly things and jokes that are self-contradictory.  I have a bunch of those as my offering this week, thanks to inputs from Ruth. 

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Letting go is the only thing I have to hold onto anymore.

I am the poster child for people who don’t fit into any category.

You just have to get used to the fact that there are things the human mind can never accept.

I am trying to be a good listener but you keep interrupting me.

My brain is wracked by cognitive dissonance and I say that with a mixture of pride and shame.

You must always keep the Buddhist concept that ‘thinking is the problem’ in the forefront of your mind.

I will share the secrets of relaxing leisure with you as soon as I have a few minutes to spare.

Pain is inevitable.  Suffering is optional.  Tonight I will have a wine that pairs well with both.

I am giving you way more unconditional love than you deserve.

Be refusing to compete with you I win.

People are hungry for complicated answers and that’s all you need to know.

Dualism works for me, but only about half the time.

The truth that set me free cost me everything

I hate stupid, petty power struggles when I don’t have the upper hand.

Less is really more, so the more less you have the better!

Focusing on quality over quantity eventually works if you do it often enough

I am making a detailed list of all the things of things I’s rather not remember

I am feeling fine which is a rough average between ecstasy and despair.

Nihilists claim we can’t know anything; I don’t even think we can know that.

My notes about entropy are getting more and more disorganized every day.

Life’s contradictions drive me crazy but the paradoxes don’t bother me a bit.

I never apologize.  I’m sorry, that’s just the way I am.

If we had it a little worse we’d recognize how good things are.

I am trying to model my behavior of not conforming as an example for others to follow.

I have invented a new word.  I am going to call it Plagiarism.

Is it just my imagination, or am I making things up?

Some questions to ponder

·         Why do you have to "put your two cents in"... but it’s only a "penny for your thoughts"?  Where's that extra penny going? Taxes?

·         What disease did cured ham actually have?

·         How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

·         Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

·         If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

·         Why is “bra" singular and "panties" plural?

·         Why are you IN a movie, but you’re ON TV?

·         Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

·         Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

·         Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

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Yesterday I saw a guy spill all his Scrabble letters on the road.  I asked him, “What’s the word on the street?”

^^^^^^^^^^^

A guy asked a lawyer about his fees.
“I charge $50 for three questions,” the lawyer replied.
“That’s awfully steep, isn’t it?” the guy said.
“Yes, I suppose so,” the lawyer replies. “Now what’s your final question?”

~~~~~~~~~~~

One day a man with an elephant walked into a movie theater.
“I’m afraid I can’t let your elephant in here, sir,” the manager said.
“Oh, I assure you, he’s very well behaved,” the man assured him.
“All right then,” the manager says. “If you’re sure. …”
After the movie, the manager says to the man, “I’m very surprised! Your elephant was well behaved, and he even seemed to enjoy the movie!”
“Yes, I was surprised, too,” says the man. “He hated the book.”

Hunting season is over but Bill sent me a hunting joke anyway.

A group of friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day.

That night, one of the hunters, who happened to be blonde, returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight point buck.

“Where’s Henry?” one of his camp mates asked.

“Henry collapsed when we were carrying this big boy back to camp. He’s back up the trail somewhere.”

“You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back!?!”

“A tough call,” nodded the hunter, “but I figured no one is going to steal Henry.”

Corruption JOW #1012

There has been a lot of discussion about corruption.  We really have no idea how bad corruption is in some countries.  Although our system is far from perfect it does not suffer from the inevitable drag on the economy which accompanies corruption.  But there are some nice jokes about crooked governments which inexorably led to me jokes about Marxism which is apparently gaining credence in some intellectual circles.  The discussion goes, ‘yeah Communism let to mass starvation and a police state, but this time we can get it right.’ 

So here are some corruption jokes beginning with one from Dick

A joke about corruption in Argentina,

 An elderly man went to his polling place to vote.  As he was signing his name on the register he asked the clerk, “Has my wife voted?

 The clerk looked at the roll and said, “Yes, that’s her name right there…she’s signed the roll…don’t you come to the polling place together?”

 The man said, “No…she died 15 years ago but she still manages to vote in every election.  Every time I come here I hope to see her but it’s never happened.”

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And in Chicago there were plans to provide better security for graveyards by installing fences and gates.  Local politicians protested that this was voter suppression.

This is from The Economist

A Chinese bureaucrat, an Indian bureaucrat and an African bureaucrat walk into a bar. They’ve known each other for years, having met every year at UN conferences, and they’ve become friends.

But, talking over drinks, they realize that they’ve only ever met at conferences. So the Chinese bureaucrat suggests that after the next one, in Beijing, they come to his house to relax for a few days.

They all agree, and when the next conference ends, they set off. They get a plane at Beijing’s airport, fly to a provincial city and speed off down a six-lane highway to a large house in the suburbs.

"This is a really nice house," the African bureaucrat says. "How did you afford it on your government salary?"

"Well, did you see that new highway we drove on? I just took some money from the project and spent it on the house."

The other bureaucrats nod, obviously impressed. For the next few days the three men have a wonderful time, and agree to meet again after the next summit, this time at the Indian bureaucrat’s house.

A year goes by, the conference ends and they set off. They fly from the airport in Delhi to a little provincial town. Then they jolt down a long, potholed road until they get to a large mansion.

The Chinese bureaucrat, obviously impressed, asks how the Indian bureaucrat could have afforded it. The Indian bureaucrat replies, "Well, did you see that highway we drove on? I just took some money out of the project and spent it on the house."

A year later they are in Africa, and they all agree to head to the African bureaucrat’s house. They go to the airport, and fly to a smaller airport in the middle of the jungle. From there they board a helicopter and fly over a jungle to a large palace surrounded by military guards. They look out over trees as far as the eye can see.

The Indian and Chinese bureaucrats are amazed, and they are both eager to know how he managed to afford such a palace.

"Well, did you see that highway we drove on?" the African bureaucrat asks.

++++++++++++

Q: What's the difference between a capitalist fairy tale and a Marxist fairy tale?

A: A capitalist fairy tale begins, "Once upon a time, there was....". A Marxist fairy tale begins, "Some day, there will be...."

Q: Will there be secret in communism?

A: As you know, under communism, the state will be abolished, together with its means of suppression. People will know how to self-arrest themselves.

Q: What is the difference between the Constitutions of the US and USSR? Both of them guarantee freedom of speech.

A: Yes, but the Constitution of the USA also guarantees freedom after the speech.

Rules for living in a Communist state.

·         Don't think.

·         If you think, then don't speak.

·         If you think and speak, then don't write.

·         If you think, speak and write, then don't sign.

·         If you think, speak, write and sign, then don't be surprised.

^^^^^^^^^^

In a communist prison, two inmates are comparing notes. "What did they arrest you for?" asks the first. "Was it a political or common crime?"

"Of course it was political. I'm a plumber. They summoned me to the district Party committee to fix the sewage pipes. I looked and said, 'Hey, the entire system needs to be replaced.' So they gave me seven years.

===========

Stalin appears to Putin in a dream and says: “I have two bits of advice for you: kill off all your opponents and paint the Kremlin blue.”

Putin asks, “Why blue?”

 Stalin: "I knew you would not object to the first one."

Which got me off of my political soapbox leading to some other rules

FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE:

1. Money cannot buy happiness - but it's far more comfortable to cry in on a Harley than on a bicycle.

2. Forgive your enemy - but remember the asshole's name.

3. If you help someone when they're in trouble - they will remember you when they're in trouble again.

4. Alcohol does not solve any problems - but then, neither does milk.

5. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.

BONUS RULE:

Condoms do not guarantee safe sex. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband.

Finally, some Fun Facts from Bill

It takes 7 seconds for food to pass from the mouth to the stomach.

A human hair can hold 3kg.

The length of a penis is 3 times the length of a thumb.

The femur is as hard as concrete.

A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.

Women blink 2 times as much as men.

We use 300 muscles just to keep our balance when we stand.

A woman has read this entire text.

A man is still looking at his thumb.