Chinese JOW #1014

I am asked how I can come up with jokes every week.  I find it is easier if I have a theme.  China has been in the news a lot so I thought I would do some Chinese jokes.  Nope.  Puns, cultural references, and sarcasm all require a fairly advanced level of language and cultural comprehension.  The Chinese seem to enjoy puns, in Chinese. Of course, in China you may not make fun of the government unless it is on a politically approved topic such as corruption.  But before we can feel too superior, remember that we too, have censorship.  In America you can no longer make jokes about minorities, homosexuals or feminists.  Body image is also off limits.  In China you can joke about fat people.  It is also acceptable to joke about beating children, and to compare people to animals.  American humor can be harsh.  Look at insult comics, and celebrity roasts.  And in the American stand-up circuit, ironic nihilism reigns. 

A couple of examples of this:

I found this timely because today I was in a store that sells sunglasses, and only sunglasses. A young lady walked over to me and asked, "What brings you in today? I looked at her and said, "I'm interested in buying a refrigerator." She didn't quite know how to respond.

 When people see a cat's litter box they always say, "Oh, have you got a cat?" Just once I want to say, "No, it's for company! 

“I actually read your autobiography, and today after seeing you, I think the book is much better.”  Actually, that one is from a Chinese standup comedian but he told it in the US.  In China, it would be considered rude.

Cultural and language differences can be amusing

An American businessman goes to China on a business trip, but he hates Chinese food, so he asks the concierge at his hotel if there's any place around where he can get American food. The concierge tells him he's in luck; there's a pizza place that just opened, and they deliver. The concierge gives the businessman the phone number, and he goes back to his room and orders a pizza. Thirty minutes later, the delivery guy shows up to the door with the pizza. The businessman takes the pizza, and starts sneezing uncontrollably. He asks the delivery man, "What the heck did you put on this pizza?"

The delivery man bows deeply and says, "We put on the pizza what you ordered: pepper only."

A few Chinese-themed jokes

·         If you spin a Chinese man around would he become disoriented?

·         Do the Chinese realize that when they're visiting America, they buy souvenirs made in their own country?

·         Everything is made in China... Except for baby girls

Chinese Riddles

Q: Why is there no Disneyland in China?

A: No one's tall enough to go on the good rides.

Q: How does every Chinese joke start?

A: By looking over your shoulder.

Q: Heard about the new German-Chinese restaurant?

A: The food is great, but an hour later, you're hungry for power.
Q: Did you hear the one about the Chinese Godfather?

A: He makes you an offer you can't understand.

Q: How do you know if a Chinaman robbed your house?

A: Your homework is done, your computer is upgraded, and he is still trying to back out of your driveway.

Q: What do you call a Chinese Billionaire?

A: Cha Ching!

Q: What do you call a Chinese rapper?

A: Vanilla Rice
Q: What do you call a dumb Chinese prostitute?

A: Wun Dum Ho
Q: What do you call a Chinese man with a camera?

A: Phil Ming.

Q: What do you call a Chinese dwarf?

A: Tai Nee.

Q: What do you call a Chinese Paralympian?

A: Lim Ping.

Finally I am going to end up with a penis joke

A man goes to his doctor and complains that his penis is developing a bend in the middle. So the doctor ran a series of tests, and had the man return to his office to report the results. "Have you been in the Far East recently, within the last year or so?"

"Why, yes," replied the man.

"And did you have sex while over there?"

The man looked worried. "Well, yes, once or twice."

The doctor's face got a grave expression on it. "That's what I was afraid of. You have a new disease that's just starting to spread in this country. It's called 'Hong Kong Dong.'"

The man gulped. "What do you do for it? Is there a cure?"

"Well, sort of. You see, there is no way to cure the disease, but you must have an operation." "An operation? What kind of operation?"

"We cut off your penis."

"Wow! Do you mind if I get a second opinion?"

The doctor replied, "Of course not. In something of such a serious nature as this, I think you should get a second and a third opinion!"

The man consulted a urologist who told him essentially the same story, diagnosis, prognosis, and recommended treatment. He was understandably upset, so he asked the second doctor to recommend another doctor for his third opinion. The urologist suggested that, since this disease originated in the Far East that he travel there, as the Asian doctors might know more about it. Mr. Unlucky promptly booked passage on an airline for Hong Kong, where he received an immediate consultation with that Crown Colony's most eminent physician. After a series of tests, he awaited the verdict. The doctor entered the examining room.

"Well, is it Hong Kong Dong?" he inquired, unable to wait.

"Yes." "And is it really incurable?"

"Yes, there is no known cure."

The man's face crumpled as he fought back tears.

"And am I going to have an operation? Will they have to cut off my penis?" At that the man was astonished to see the doctor break into laughter. "What's so funny, Doc? You mean I don't have to have surgery?" As the doctor regained control of himself, he managed to choke out, "Oh, those American doctors! Surgery, surgery, all they can think of is surgery!"

"I don't have to have my penis cut off?" The man was overjoyed.

"Of course not! Just wait a couple more weeks, and it'll fall off by itself!"