Argumentative JOW #1019

Men and women have been having disagreements since, well, forever.  The man is usually outmaneuvered in these verbal conflicts.  There are two ways a man can argue with a woman.  Neither one works.

My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last.  Two time a week we got to a nice restaurant and have a little wine and some good food.  She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

Here are a few jokes about gender communications.

A romantic wife, missing her husband who was on a trip, sent him this lovely text:

“If you are sleeping send me your dreams.  If you are laughing send me your smile.  If you are drinking, send me a sip.  If you are crying send me your tears.  I love you.”

The husband, an engineer, replied: “I am on the toilet.  Please advise.”

Therapist – Your wife says you never buy her flowers.

Husband – I never even knew she sold flowers.

Husband – I want to you have this bracelet.  It belonged to my grandmother.

Wife – Why does it say “Do Not Resuscitate”?

Husband – I want to be cremated after I die.

Wife – I’ll make an appointment for next Thursday.

Wife – Take me to a restaurant where they make your dinner right in front of you.

Husband – Subway, here we come!

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The three hardest things for a man to say.

·         I was wrong

·         I am sorry

·         Worcestershire Sause

And on a different note.

I have a bumper sticker: “Honk if you think I’m Sexy.”  Then I just sit at the light when it turns green until I feel better about myself.

^^^^^^^^^^^^

I hate it when people act all intellectual and talk about Mozart when they’ve never even seen one of his paintings….

From Dan:

I call my stomach flat.  The ‘L’ is silent.

I thought the dryer made my clothes shrink.  Turns out it was the refrigerator.

Exercise makes you look better naked.  So does alcohol…. It’s your choice.

I have a new invention.  I combined a laxative and alphabet soup.  I call it ‘Letter Rip.”

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

If you don’t know what to get the man who has everything, try burning down his house.

Dick sent some good ones…

From Argentina: The government has announced that starting May 1 there will be a reduction of 25% for a liter of gasoline.  The new liter will be 750 ml.

Some formerly royal jokes

“Prince Harry is the first man I’ve ever heard of who wants to quit his family so he can spend more time working.”

  

“Prince Harry always wanted to run away from home…he just waited until he was 35, married, and with a small child to do it.”

“The Duke and Duchess of Sussex are fed up with all the trappings of royal life…they just want to be regular millionaires.”

“Harry and Meghan are sending a terrible message to young people – that if they ever want to leave home they can always find a Canadian billionaire who will give them a place to stay.”

“Harry and Meghan are showing us all how to be independent. First, find that Canadian billionaire who can give you a place to stay.”

Some racy old faux Confucius jokes.

 OK to let a fool kiss you, but not OK to let a kiss fool you.

 Kiss is merely shopping upstairs for real merchandise downstairs.

 Better to lose a lover than love a loser.

 Man with broken condom often called Daddy.

 Drunken man's words often sober man's thoughts.

 Marriage is same as bank account.  You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest.

 Viagra just like Disneyland ......One hour wait for 2-minute ride..

 Joke is just like sex.  Neither any good if you don't get it.

 Virginity like bubble on stream of life, one prick, and it's gone forever.

 Man who buys many prunes, get good run for money.

  

 It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it..

 Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs

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 Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

 Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.

 Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.

And finally

Three old ladies are sitting around a table playing bridge and bragging about their sons. “My Freddie,” said Margaret, “Everyone should be so lucky to have a son like my Freddie. Once a week he brings me a huge bouquet of flowers, he’s constantly bringing me out to restaurants to eat, if I so much as hint that I want something the next morning it’s on my doorstep.”

“That’s very nice about your Freddie”, says Gertrude. “But with all due respect, when I think about the way my Sammy takes care of me, it just can’t compare. Every morning as soon as I wake up he greets me with bacon and freshly brewed coffee. Every lunch he comes over and cooks me a gourmet lunch, and every supper he brings me to his house for supper, he truly treats me like a queen.”

“WELL!” Says Lorraine “I don’t want to make any of you feel bad or anything, but wait until you hear about my Harry, twice a week he pays someone $200 an hour just so he can lie on their couch and talk to them, and who do you think he talks about at those prices? I’ll tell you who he talks about! ALL HE TALKS ABOUT IS ME!”