No Account(ing) JOW 1017

I have had to do the minor bookkeeping for my shooting club.  I hate doing the books and can’t imagine doing them for a living - that is what accountants are for.  When I was young I needed some nice clothes that cost $100.  I didn’t have the money so I borrowed $50 from dad and $50 from my mom.  The clothes only cost $97 so I gave my mom and dad $1 each and kept $1 for myself.  Then I realized I owned dad $49, mom $49 which equals $98.  I had one dollar for myself. That is $99. I could never figure out what happened to the other dollar.  That was the moment I realized I could never be an accountant.

So I thought perhaps I should do some accounting jokes.  Have you heard the joke about the interesting accountant? Nope. Me neither.

Accounting professionals like to think they are calm, composed and methodical. They are sure they can save the world through peace, goodwill, and reconciliation.  They have such strong internal controls, they're never, ever unbalanced. When I ask how many accountants it takes to change a light bulb, one will say, let me run a few numbers and get back to you, quickly concluding: It takes one accountant to do the work and one to make sure it was done within budget.

Do you know many accountants I think it takes to change a light bulb? How much money do you have?

What is the definition of “accountant”? Someone who solves a problem you didn’t know you had in a way you don’t understand.

An accountant is the type of man who marries a supermodel for her money.

A tax accountant is a person who takes numbers on pieces of paper and puts the numbers on other pieces of paper.

What do you call an accountant who is seen talking to someone? Popular

How do you know when an accountant is on vacation?

He doesn’t wear a tie and comes in after 8 a.m.

An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor. "Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night," he says. "Have you tried counting sheep?" asks the doctor. 

"That's the problem — I make a mistake and then spend six hours trying to find it."

What does an accountant’s wife say when she can’t get to sleep?  “Darling, could you tell me about your work.”

  

 What does an accountant call a trial balance that doesn't balance?

A late night.

A young accountant fresh out of college is interviewed by the owner of a small business. “I need someone with an accounting degree,” says the man. “But mainly I’m looking for someone to do my worrying for me. I have lots of things to worry about, but I want someone else to worry about money matters.”

“OK,” says the accountant. “How much are you offering?”

“You can start at $75,000 a year,” says the owner.

“That’s a great salary!” says the young accountant. “How can a business like yours afford to pay so much?”

“That,” says the man, “is your first worry.”

Accountant questions

An accountancy student asks a partner to explain ethics in accountancy. The partner thinks for a moment and relates the following.
‘Mr. Jones, one of our clients, came to see me last week and paid me his bill of $1,000 in cash. As he left I counted the notes and they came to $1,100.
The student said. ‘I see. The ethics question is do I tell the client?’
‘No. The question is: do I tell my partner’

If your dog “does his business" in the basement can you deduct it as office space?

What do actuaries do to liven up their office party? Invite an accountant.

Why do some accountants decide to become actuaries? They find bookkeeping too exciting.

Why was the accountant in rehab? Solvency abuse

Did you hear about the deviant Forensic Accountant? He got his client’s charges reduced from gross indecency to net indecency

Why don’t accountants read many novels? Because the only numbers in them are page numbers

What is the most wicked thing a group of young accountants can do? Go into town and gang-audit someone.

Where do homeless accountants live? In a tax shelter

What’s the difference between an accountant and a lawyer? The accountant knows he’s boring.

Why do economists exist? So accountants have someone to laugh at.

What’s an actuary? An accountant without a sense of humor

Why do some accountants become actuaries? They find bookkeeping too exciting

You might be an accountant if:

·         You deduct Ex-Lax as “moving expenses”

·         You have no idea that GAP is a clothing store

·         Your idea of trashing your hotel room is refusing to fill out the guest comment card

A business owner tells her friend that she is desperately searching for an accountant. Her friend asks, “Didn’t your company hire an accountant a short while ago?” The business owner replies, “That’s the accountant I’ve been searching for.”

One last unrelated joke

The world's leading expert on European wasps walks into a record shop.

He asks the assistant “Do you have ‘European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2? I believe it was released this week.”
 “Certainly,” replies the assistant. “Would you like to listen before you buy it?”

 "That would be wonderful," says the expert, and puts on a pair of headphones and begins listening to the buzzing sounds.
He listens for a few moments and says to the assistant, “I'm terribly sorry, but I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and this is not accurate at all. I don't recognize any of those sounds. Are you sure this is the correct recording?”
 The assistant checks the turntable, and replies that it is indeed European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2. The assistant apologizes and lifts the needle onto the next track.
 Again the expert listens for a few moments and then says to the assistant, "No, this just can't be right! I've been an expert in this field for 43 years and I still don't recognize any of these sounds."

 The assistant apologizes again and lifts the needle to the next track.
The expert throws off the headphones as soon as it starts playing and is fuming with rage. 

"This is outrageous false advertising! I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and no European wasp has ever made a sound like the ones on this record!"

The manager of the shop overhears the commotion and walks over.

"What seems to be the problem, sir?"

"This is an outrage! I am the world's leading expert on European wasps. Nobody knows more about them than I do. There is no way in hell that the sounds on that record were made by European wasps!"
 The manager glances down and notices the problem instantly.

"I'm terribly sorry, sir. It appears we've been playing you the bee side"