It recently realized that I have not had a
steady ‘real job’ since 2009. I guess that
means I have been retired for over ten years.
Retirement is wonderful. It’s
doing nothing without worrying about getting caught at it. I guess retirement is when you stop lying
about your age and start lying around the house. So I have a few riddles, quotes, truisms, and
jokes about poor old retirees.
Retirement riddles
How many days in a retiree’s week?
Six Saturdays and Sunday.
When is a retiree’s bedtime?
Two hours after falling asleep on the couch.
How many retirees does it take to change a
light bulb?
Only one but it takes all day.
What is the biggest gripe of retirees?
There is not enough time to get everything
done.
Why don’t retirees mind being called Seniors?
The term comes with a 10% discount
What is considered formal attire for retirees?
Tied shoes.
Why do retirees count their pennies?
They are the only ones who have the time.
What do retirees call a long lunch?
Normal
What do mathematicians call retirement?
Aftermath
What do you call a person who is glad to see
Monday arrive?
Retired
Retired truisms
·
In your retirement years never drink
coffee at lunch; it will keep you aware in the afternoon.
·
Retirement is like a long vacation in
Las Vegas. The goal is to enjoy it the fullest, but not so fully that you run
out of money.
·
The money’s not as good in retirement
but the hours are way better.
·
When a man retires his wife gets twice
the husband but only half the income.
·
When you retire, you switch bosses –
from the one who hired you to the one who married you.
·
Retirement is the time in your life
when time is no longer money.
Some quotes
"There's never enough time to do all the
nothing you want." — Bill Watterson
“It is better to live rich than to die rich.”
— Samuel Johnson
“There
are some who start their retirement long before they stop working.” — Robert
Half
“Retirement: It’s nice to get out of the rat
race, but you have to learn to get along with less cheese.” — Gene Perret
>>>>>>>>>>>
My grandfather tried to warn them about the
Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going
to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
````````
After my 91-year-old woman finished having her
hair cut and shaped, the stylist announced, “There, now you look ten years
younger.”
She, unimpressed, replied, “Who wants to look 81 years old?”
She, unimpressed, replied, “Who wants to look 81 years old?”
--------
Maurice, and 87 year old man, was very happy
living in a nursing home. After meeting
Edna, a 76 year old lady, he was even happier.
Soon he fell deeply in love. One
afternoon while they were taking a walk Maurice plucked up his courage, got
down on one knee. Taking a big gulp he
told Edna there were two things he would like to ask her. Edna smiled and replied, “Alright.”
Maurice asked softly, “Edna, will you marry
me?”
Delighted Edna answered him, “Yes. And what is the second question?”
“Will you please help me get up?”
============
Somewhere an elderly lady reads a book on how
to use the internet, while a young boy googles "how to read a book".
Which brought me to this amazing news
article
In what has been hailed as ‘a miracle’, one
Waterford teenager has reportedly survived in his home with no connection to
the internet for almost 6 whole hours.
Answering to the name ‘David Gowan’, the
16-year-old was found in a distressed state yesterday evening, walking through
a neighborhood holding his Samsung Galaxy above his head looking for a signal
and muttering incoherently.
The emergency services were notified and David
was brought to a nearby Starbucks and hooked up to their Wi-Fi immediately. It
remains unclear as to how the teen was left without internet for such a long
period of time, and a search has begun to find David’s parents, with fears that
they may have other kids without even a single bar of coverage.
“David survived without access to any social
media or video sharing sites for the better part of an afternoon,” said an
amazed member of Waterford’s child protection services.
“No GIFs, no memes, no porn. It’s incredible
to see him in such good condition, considering what he went through. There’s
grown adults who can’t go without internet for that long, let alone teenagers.
~~~~~~
Do you remember before the internet that
people though the cause of stupidity was the lack of access to
information? Yeah, it wasn’t that.
_______
Do regular dogs see police dogs and think “Oh
no. It’s a cop.”?
……….
It used to be only death and taxes. Now, of course, there's shipping and
handling, too.
And finally, a Dad Joke
A father wanted to prove that he's not just
some boring house Dad so he went and got his first tattoo.
When he got home he excitedly showed it off to
his wife and kids.
"Oh, cool! It's.. uhh?" his wife
asked.
"It's my thermos! From work!" he
replied proudly.
His daughter starts to reach out towards him
and says, "Well, uh, the line work is certainly…"
Dad slaps her hand away and says, "Don't
touch the thermos tat!"
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